Toddler hasn't been given water

[redroseroo]

I'm really at a loss and don't know what to do anymore. I feel as though I'm constantly having to prompt my partner to remember to meet basic needs for our child, like nappy changes and feeding, which baffles me because he's in healthcare and so I would have thought should be more on the ball.

He's just asked me where our toddler's drinking cup is. He's been looking after him since 2pm, they've been out in the garden, out on a walk and playing in the very warm lounge. Our toddler therefore hasn't had a drink in the last 4 hours when it's 27°C inside and god knows what outside in the sun.

I get made to feel like I'm undermining him when I make a point like our son's bum is red because his nappy has been on too long, but I feel like I can't be certain what's being done anymore!

Hmmmm. This is really strange. How has your partner arrived at toddlerhood without being able to provide basic care? Has he always had time alone with the baby, but been rubbish? Or is looking after him alone a relatively new thing?

I only ask because if it’s the latter, he’s obviously missing some crucial ingrained knowledge that primary caregivers usually just know (offer water, change nappy regularly etc).

I think if I was in your position, I would put the baby to bed and sit down for an honest and potentially unpleasant conversation. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he’s putting his baby at risk of dehydration, painful nappy rash, and other uncomfortable ailments. I would try to find out why he is failing to do these things - is it just sheer incompetence? Forgetfulness? Is he doing it badly in the hope he won’t be expected to do much more of it?

In nurseries, they do regular nappy changes and water breaks as standard. Perhaps you could set up 2 timers on his phone with him to start building it in as routine. He will feel condescended and annoyed but he obviously can’t be trusted to do it alone.

Outside of these things, is he a decent father?

You need to be able to feel you can leave the house for a day and come back to a baby that’s been well looked after. I’m so sorry you don’t have this - if all else fails, perhaps it’s worth looking up some parenting courses, I think the NHS offers something like that.

He's probably been lacking in empathy and awareness of the needs of those around him since you met him, but seeing him do it to your baby has made it really obvious. Prior to the baby he would just do it to you, and you're a grown up so you could handle it because he's probably a nice man otherwise.

Has your DP had a drink in that time? If so, I'd be pointing out the disparity.
But I quite easily go 4 hours without a drink. So it might not spring to mind to offer (yes, much smaller) people a drink either if I was busy.

So he works in healthcare and knows how to take care of people but can't remember to attend to the basic needs of his child... Have you heard of strategic incompetence?

And he's defensive when you give him feedback about something potentially painful for his own child... it is very worrying that his ego is more important than his child being in pain.