Fear of parking stopping me from being a good mum

[brightongull]

I am not sure parenting is the right topic for this but I couldn't find any that fit perfectly.

We currently live in a house with on street parking and we don't have a driveway. It can be hit and miss whether you can park on the street or near the house. There are no permits or anything and there are lots of people who have a car and a work van, or multiple car households.

I have always been a bit stressed about driving anywhere but since having my baby everything has got much worse.

I am becoming very reluctant to leave the house, and if we haven't left by 10/11am I will already feel like it is too late. If we do go out anywhere I feel very conscious of the time that we are arriving back and will worry about not parking. If my partner is there or driving I feel slightly better but I will very rarely go anywhere myself by car. (Even sometimes choosing 2 buses and a 1 hour journey over a 15 minute drive).

We applied for a driveway and it has taken 10 months for the council to reject the application. We are trying to appeal this but I feel pretty devastated.

We have just had our kitchen redone and I love our house but I honestly want to move just to get free from my anxieties. I have tried CBT and other therapies but it just hasn't seemed to make a palpable difference.

Can anybody relate to this? Has anyone overcome it properly? I know it sounds so silly, but it really is governing my life and I hate that it is.

What exactly are you anxious about?

No advice but following as I feel the exact same. I HATE parking and Ive pinged the car a few times (thankfully never on another car) but it’s made me too scared to try again because fixing it costs a fortune. Everyone says to ‘practice’ but my brain doesn’t seem to get it and I can’t keep damaging the car.

Luckily where we live I don’t need to drive, but following for any practical tips

Moving won't free you from your anxiety. It'll just end up being something else - you'll start feeling anxious about motorways or traffic at a certain time, such is the nature of the beast.

What you mustn't do is move (for this reason alone anyway). By doing so you confirm to yourself that there was something to fear.

First I'd try to get to the bottom of this - what happens if you can't park/what do you fear will happen?

Learn to accept anxiety. "I accept and allow this anxious feeling". Defuse anxious thoughts: "What if I can't park?" "Well, I'll just call X or I'll park at X and walk, bit crap but I'll handle it just fine," and then accept the anxiety if you find yourself in that situation. You can accept it because anxiety and panic are uncomfortable but not dangerous. They don't last. They always pass, no matter what you do. Let them sit with you, welcome them in, and counterproductively you'll find your fears dissipate as you realise you can handle anything and these are just unpleasant thoughts and sensations, nothing more.

The worst thing you can do is run from it. Your world will get smaller and smaller. You'll restrict your life more. The only way is through.

Get a copy of the book DARE.

Do you not have anywhere you can walk to? Or a short bus ride? I hate driving but would happily take the DC for very long walks as babies, or on the bus. Luckily I live in a busy town with plenty going on nearby.

I would also ask yourself what is the worst that could happen… you might have to park a few streets away and walk from there? If so, take a sling or buggy with you so that isn’t a big deal?

Contact the council. Get a permit system set up.

I have GAD and also get anxious about whether parking will be available whenever I go somewhere new, or somewhere I know parking is an issue.

It helps me to think about the worst case scenario. So you get home and there's no parking nearby. Worst case scenario you have to park some distance away and either walk or get a bus/taxi if you can't walk it. The cost would be annoying and you'll be home a bit later than anticipated but otherwise it's no big deal, so what is there to be anxious about?

I would actually book lessons in reverse parallel parking as if someone shows you how to do it easily it should be easier

Do you mean you're anxious about not being able to park on your street/near your house rather than the actual act of parking the car? If so I get this. I lived in a really busy area and would get quite panicky if I didn't leave work by a certain time, would get really anxious to get home so I could park etc. I still feel like this but not as bad. Like you if someone else is driving I'd happily stay out all day but if it's me I feel the urge to get back 'early'. No solutions I'm afraid but you're not alone.

I think it depends on how much it impacts you. How often do you leave the house? I can relate though, I hate parking and am reluctant to drive somewhere if it's busy/will struggle parking but it wouldn't stop me doing it necessarily, I'd just get public transport which isn't really a bad thing and doesn't harm anyone.

Most people are anxious about something - just need to work on it.

I would move to a house with a driveway.fuck that. Who has time to wait for a space? If you can afford it do it !

My life was ruled by parking. You have to feel the fear and do it anyway. Don't let your life be ruled like this, and it's really unfair on your poor child. It's one of those things where practice makes perfect.

I understand the anxiety I have two car parks in the town I use regularly one I know if I don't get too by ten am I can't get into easily but traffic is awful before 9.30 I get caught up in an anxious cycle shall I park here or elsewhere etc etc

Why was planning permission rejected? Could you look into the surface you intend putting on your driveway? Find something that allows rainwater to be absorbed and drained away gradually?

Could you get an electric bike fitted with a baby seat for when your baby is old enough. Are there cycle paths near you?

Or would it help to get some extra driving lessons to help you become better at parking and alleviate your anxiety?

Have the council given you a reason why they rejected your application for a driveway? Could it be reviewed after certain requirements met?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to sell your house to buy something more suitable. If that is what you and your partner want to do.

I hate it to

But the only way to overcome this is to push yourself. Go out when you want to, deep breaths and if there's no space when you come back, go a bit further down until you fine somewhere, or go out and get yourself a coffee somewhere and relax and then try again

Is there nowhere you can walk to, or get to by public transport? Surely it’s not a matter of either driving or never leaving the house?

Don't fix it then. Driving around in a dinged car not life limiting. Letting this anxiety rule is.

We've got loads of dings and dents on our 10 year old car as they are expensive to fix and tbh I'd rather spend my money on something else. It's not essential to fix them. A car is a practical item to get you from A to B. Obviously having a nice car, like anything, is nice, but not at the expense of your mental health.

This is excellent advice!

Definitely get the DARE book, (it's amazing), and I say this as nicely as I can, but you have GOT to pull up your big girl pants and deal with this.

You are allowing your anxiety to control your life, and I totally get it. I've been there but you have to push past it and take control.

Anxiety is FAKE. Anxiety is a liar. It tries to make you believe that you can't do things and that's just simply not true. All anxiety is is an uncomfortable feeling that we give in to. You can overcome it, I promise you.

I would do this, but you have to find the right instructor. I tried a couple and the third instructor helped me through my anxiety to learn to drive. I need to go back to focus on reverse parallel parking, I could do it when I got my licence, but then I got nervous a couple of times doing it, avoided doing it for ages and now would park further away and walk to avoid it. It's not great and I often wish I could do it, but it doesn't have a big impact on me or my DC.

Sometimes avoidance isn't a big deal, but it does tend to make the anxiety worse and this is having a big impact on your life. That I think is how to determine if this is something you should seek help with, it's having a significant negative impact on your life and in the future could impact your DC. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, it's part of the reason I kept trying instructions and finally learnt to drive. I'd ask around local FB groups if any, on here, friends, DH colleagues, if anyone knows a driving instructor who's good with people that have anxiety around driving. That's how I found the instructor that helped me. Good luck with it OP.

Yes, me. I live in a very European city. A lot of the parking is along very narrow one way streets.

One day a week, I can't start work until later in the morning and it's honestly the most stressful part of my day. If you don't parallel park in one 5 second fluid motion, you will have cars behind you honking their horns. When this happens, I completely go blank and just cannot park the car. I need a few minutes to parallel park and obviously can't hold the traffic up. If I know there is a car behind me, I don't even bother stopping and just keep driving around and around until the coast is clear or I find a double space that I can drive directly into.

There have been times that I have just been in tears, burning up, sweating. I told myself that there will be some humiliation involved until I get better at this, and I need to accept feeling embarrassed until I get better.

When I'm very overwhelmed, I take the bus but that takes 3 times as long to get there. Not sure what the advice is but I feel for you!

Are you worried about not being able to find a space at all near your house?
Or are you worried that the road will be busy so you will have to do a bit of a tight parallel park?

If the second, can you afford a couple of lessons with a driving instructor where you literally just cover parallel parking, and spend an hour or so just going in and out of spaces while the instructor makes sure you won't hit anything and shows you how to do it?

This is brilliant advice

I used to have the worst driving anxiety. I would cry every time I was behind the wheel, my fingers would hurt afterwards as I was gripping the wheel so tight. The only thing that helped was driving, going out every single day.

Is it the act of parking that worries you (parallel parking etc) or that you won't get a space.

Is there somewhere nearby that has easy parking that you can use as a back up and walk from if there's no space?

So walk? Get the bus or a taxi? It’s perfectly possible to be a fantastic mum without a car, I don’t get it