6yo ds being bullied by his best friend

[MarshmallowFrump]

Hello, I'm a longtime lurker but this is my first post.

My 6yo son is in year one and, until recently, has loved school. He has a good group of friends, including one in particular whom he has regular play dates with outside of school. However, this particular child has started referring to him as a crybaby/weak, has started shoving him and shouting in his face. Even worse, he has started to encourage the other boys in my ds's friendship group to do the same. I have observed him doing this at pick up and the last few times he came around our house. His dad was present each time but said nothing and I didn't feel it was my place.

My lovely little boy has started referring to himself as weak and getting upset before school and I am so heartbroken for him. He would never retaliate, he's a sensitive little soul. We are trying to teach him to be a little more resilient and to play with other boys but they hang out in one big group so it's difficult.

I'm very passive by nature and hate confrontation & don't know what to do. The other child's dad can be difficult to talk to and I know if I mention it to him he will just say his son has a strong character and is only messing around. I honestly feel like he would encourage his son to carry on.

Other than talking to my ds's teacher, is there anything else I can do (his teacher has promised to monitor the situation)? I'm trying to think of things my son could say back to this child when he calls him a crybaby/weak (nothing horrible, just something that gives my ds a bit of confidence to not let this child continue making him feel bad) but I'm struggling to think of anything. I just want my little boy to be happy again.

Your poor DS. Definitely right to have a word with the teacher (as you already have).

Does he do any activities outside school? These can be good for building confidence and making new friends.

1. Stop inviting this boy to your house
2. Explain to your son that this boy is not behaving like a friend - and stop using the term 'friend' yourself
3. Report this bullying to school in writing and request that they separate the pair

Teach your son simply to say 'stop saying/doing that' and to tell a teacher, and to tell you every time.

Any further incidents - report them in writing again.

You don’t under any circumstances have him over for a play date again unless you are going to confront him in the strongest terms about his behaviour. If he does that in your home in front of you, and you say nothing, then to your DS you are saying it’s ok. You don’t let your DS go to his house either.

You talk to the teacher immediately and ask him for updates immediately.

then lots of people recommend this book for practical tips for you and your ds https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bigmouths-So-Called-Friends-Alexander/dp/0340911840

I understand you hate confrontation and this is really hard but what you are modelling right now for your DS is that this is fine for his (not) friend to do and that needs to stop immediately.

Stop having playmates with this child, he is not a friend. Actively encourage playmates with other children who do not bully your child.
Teach your child to stand up for himself, if other child calls him names when playing he says I'm not playing with you any more, you aren't being nice.

NSPCC website has a section with advice on building resilience & how to deal with many different types of bullying, in person or online

Thank you everyone, you have been so helpful. I know I need to stop being so passive and stand up for my son, I need to model confidence to him.

We have tried to encourage him to do some clubs outside of school but the only one he's shown any interest in is swimming. He's doesn't particularly enjoy sport (other than swimming) but I'll have a think about other clubs I could encourage him to join.

That book looks really useful so I'll buy that and I'll also have a look at the resilience information on the NSPCC - thank you again everyone! :o)

For other clubs outside school - if you can get him into Beavers, it's wonderful. It's been amazing for our son who's awaiting assessment for adhd/asd, can be quite shy, not into football like the "cool boys" etc. It's the best thing we ever did 😁

@Shelby1981 Oooh, that sounds like a great idea, my son is also shy so it's good to hear your son enjoys it, I'll have a look into that aswell! Thank you 😊

Hi there, my DC had this happen to her at the start of the academic year; her ‘BF’ would say to her that she’s more cleverer, special and make other children run away from her. There was even a comment to ky child ‘that if you left this school, no one would miss you, only me’. My DC’s self esteem and confidence plummeted, it was really sad to see.

The teacher is the best bet. I spoke to the parent and they were like the dad you have mentioned. Now I’m enemy No. 1!

Clubs are a great way to form new friendships and raise confidence…also to form positive friendships outside of school rather than rely on the ones at school.

Good luck!

Oh, your poor DS.

Get him away from that boy as far as possible. He's a future thug in the making. Please talk to the teacher about the bullying, and if they don't take it seriously, take him out the school.

Children that are bullied should not have to do extra curriculum activities to keep their self esteem - the bullies need to be talked to - the parents need to acknowledge their child is bullying and stop getting so personally offended when/if told their child is engaging in such behaviour.

The teacher, schools and parents need to talk more to the children to encourage empathy and good behaviour, the bullied child cant do a lot to change the situation is the BULLIES that can change and learn to process their feelings in a kinder way rather than projecting it in a negative way.

It takes a village to raise a child right ? It feels there is a lot of protecting the bullies, although contrarily we are teaching children to speak up if something is wrong so ADULTS lets get it right:

1. The Bully has a issue and needs to learn how to navigate through emotions without targeting an innocent peer
2. the parents need to be able to speak up (parent of the bullied child) and
3. the other parents need to acknowledge their child needs help to process things without targeting a peer (parents of the bullies),

Finally, Schools have the difficult task of educating our children BUT they have limited time with your child so, and numeracy and literacy should be the mean focus you can not expect the school to educate manners and morals too.

PARENTS, really need to engage with their child to know what/how they are processing events and ensure they aren't being unkind to others just because they are feeling sad/upset or simply things aren't happening the way they wish.

It takes a collective effort yet, WE AS PARENTS carry the most of responsibility to educate and guide them to be better humans than the previous generation was- discipline/consequences - is not punishment, make them take accountability for their behaviour...and,
more open dialogue is needed with your child teach your child not to be a Bully !