Father is putting his hateful views onto children

[Llamacorn910]

I’m 34 and i split up from my kids dad 5 years ago. Mainly because he was a violent drunken bully. And for the past 5 years I’ve been trying my best to co parent with him. As my children are getting older, he is getting worse. He doesn’t have his own place at 50. so only sees the children at my house. Doesn’t take the kids anywhere or do anything with them apart from sit in my house. Doesn’t pay any child support for them even though he works. He’s a conspiracy theorist, and his hateful views are only getting worst. He’s a racist and homophobic. And today my 10 year old daughter, said some awful and disgusting homophobic things. When I tried to talk to her about what she said and correct her and tell her what she said was wrong and isn’t right for anyone to say. She replied that ‘I will be homophobic with my dad then, he does it’ I’m absolutely appalled and disgusting that he’s putting hateful views on to my children. I’ve put up with so much stuff, and I’m honestly at my wits end and I have no idea what to do about it. I’ve tried talking to him about it, and all I get back is he’s right in what he thinks and believes and doesn’t see the problem with how he his. Constantly playing the victim and thinks he’s better than everyone else. I want the best for my children, but I dont want them being poisoned by his toxic views and ways. And dealing with someone like him who will never change and only appears to be getting worse. I’m honestly stuck I don’t know to protect my children from this. I would appreciate any advice.
thank you in advance

Stop letting him in your house is the very first thing I would do. Don't facilitate contact let him sort out taking them somewhere etc.

If he's not paying maintenance he doesn't get to see the children.

No more coming to your house then. Message him now and say that’s it. There is no way I would put up with that in my house.

Not how it works.

Stop facilitating them and see what happens. My dh has some similar views. He's slowly learning and changing his mindset. My children have never been affected by his attitude.

Child support agency~Make contacting them a priority

Stop letting him into your house. My Mil said something shockingly racist in my house once, she was told in front of everyone including dc that it was not ok and to go home. She was told over the telephone that if she ever spouted her disgusting mouth In front of my dc again she would never see them. My dc were 10 and 13 at the time and I told them the truth, these homophonic/racists need to be called out and told to shut their stupid mouths, nobody with half a brain wants to hear it.

I would no longer let him into the house, they are old enough to meet him elsewhere. Show them that you do not tolerate those views in your house. Maybe mention it to the school so they can help to support your view.

I didn't mean legally. Just that he shouldn't be allowed as it isn't fair.

this

I think you should start your own thread in Relationships.

You need to start your own thread for this to be seen properly x

OP I wouldn't let him in my house to discuss this kind of thing. I would also speak to the school and explain the situation. Ask them for help with speaking to you kids about the homophobia. I'd also report this to social services.

I'd tell the school. If your dc says something racist/homophobic at school they might think its come from you. Say you are telling your dc it's wrong

First reply nailed it.

Are you in the UK? Stop letting him in your house. There are other places in the world than your home and his home. Start claiming child maintenance.

What exactly is your DD coming out with? Depending on what it is someone might be able to suggest something to counter it. I had a similar situation once with my DS and DP's idiot sister trying to push something ideological on him. Nipped it in the bud fairly quickly with some well timed conversations which subtlety countered what idiot sister was coming out with. DS ended up working it out for himself how daft she was.

Tell him if he's going to say that stuff sounds the kids he's not getting in your house.

So you are doing absolutely everything to facilitate this relationship and he's sitting back and bringing nothing to the table but horrendous opinions to put on your kids. I'd be stepping back massively. I'd tell him directly you're not comfortable with facilitating things for him any longer and he needs to step up and take on a proper role. I'd tell your dc that sometimes adults get things wrong, and that just because dad says something doesn't mean it's right and it's good and healthy for them to question things they hear. I'd then actively start education on challenging those attitudes and trying to really get into the nitty gritty of those attitudes and why they're super harmful. If your dd is coming out with stuff at home then there's nothing to stop her bringing it to school etc.

There is no 'co' with a person like that, he will never co-operate, rather he will take any opportunity he can to put a spanner in the works for you.
I suspect a big part of the reason he sees his children, the prize for him is he gets to piss you off by being in your house. That will also be one of the reasons he's not made an effort to get a decent place to live, the downside of not having his own place is eclipsed by the pleasure he takes in upsetting you.
You have to have some boundaries with this person, he has no morals or boundaries and will walk all over you if you let him