I'm Not Coping...

[RAYH25]

I don't know where to start...
Maybe a bit of background on me would be helpful, I am 31, I have a 16mo daughter. In 2019 I lost my mum to cancer 12 weeks after diagnosis I nursed her until the end, in 2020 I suffered a missed miscarriage (Found out 3 days after my mums 1 year passing anniversary). I have no other family, I have been with my husband for 10 years. In May 2021 I found out I was pregnant again (on my mums birthday) with my daughter, she was planned. Although, growing up I always said I never wanted children (never grew up around them, no siblings) something switched in me after I lost my mum.

I had a really rubbish birth that ended in emergency section, the first month I really struggled to bond with her. My husband took off extra time to help out. It did eventually get easier but I still struggled. Long story short, I ended up being diagnosed with PND and went onto Sertraline for several months. I personally would describe my DD as high needs, she was amazing with physical development but always a very whiney/crying baby from newborn.

I ended up weaning myself off Sertraline when I felt like I was in a good head space and enjoying my daughters presence more. Dont get me wrong I love her more than life, she is so hilarious and loving at times. Im always doing things with her attending classes, walks, parks etc. I feel I was doing really well until....My daughter was 15 months it was like something flipped im her and she has started having these horrendous tantrums. Throwing herself on the floor & backwards in rage, throwing things, screaming and crying so hysterically. For example: if my phone is lying around she will grab it shove it in my face and I try to explain that maybe we will look at it later but not right now and bam! Let the rage commence. Shes started saying no and turning her head. I have a lot of mum friends with babies similar age who are not experiencing this at all (I know every child is different) but I didn't expect this at 15/16 months old???? 🤯

I am back to work full time so I work 4 days a week but still doing my 5 day a week job. Her childcare has been closed for 2 weeks due to covid so I have been WFH with her home and it's not good, my job is suffering in the process. I've had to answer calls with high up managers with her screaming down the other end. My house is an absolute BOMB site but I have zero motivation or energy to egwn contemplate housework. Today, it was my mon working day so I took her into town as I needed to get a few things and take her for a shoe fitting. All was good, we went for lunch (she was great for around 10 minutes) then bam complete rage over something (I don't know what) to the point where she was red in the face, I was red in the face from embarrassment as everyone in the cafe was staring...I had to get up and leave. Tonight, took her to the park at the end of our street after dinner as she had a later nap, we crossed the road and because she couldn't go the opposite way, screaming tantrum on the floor. I picked her up and persevered, we had fun on the swings and then bam she started again, I had to carry her up our street hysterical screaming I was so mortified in case my neighbours were wondering what was going on. It has got to the point where I now don't even want to do these nice things with her for fear of her having a meltdown. Everyone that I try to speak to, just gives me the same reply 'it gets worse' 😦

I'm angry at her, I hate yelling at her, I hate that I'm not enjoying her company these past few weeks its been so hard between these tantrums, her fussing with food, not sleeping properly. I've asked my GP 4 occasions now to try another antidepressant and they are refusing to let me try anything else. I don't know what I hope from this post, maybe just a vent but I really want to be a good mum, I want to have that bond I had with my mum and I just don't feel that I'm doing that for her at the moment. Its not what I imagined in my head, maybe naive of me really 🙃

Look, all kids hit a tough age. Yours is now. But it won’t always be like this, and it’s ok to acknowledge that it’s miserable. and with no childcare for 2 weeks Im not surprised you’re struggling. One of mine was like this. I learned:
Never give in to a tantrum. Otherwise you’ll make it a million times worse in the long run. If you can ignore, then ignore. Always have a buggy with you to strap them in if tantrum starts while you’re out and need to keep them safe. I didn’t go into a cafe between 18m and 3y old unless it had an outside playing area. He’s 9 now and great.

Maybe try again with the GP?

You can often do parenting courses online for free throughout your local council. That might give you some more ideas and you’ll be able to do it around work hours.

Just to follow on:
She is at creche Tue/Wed/Thu 9.30-1.30 & my husbands grans 10-3 on Mon. I am supposed to be working 8am-4pm Mon-Thu which very rarely happens. I'm having to work 6pm-11.30pm etc once she's in bed to get caught up on work. She's starting with a childminder in 7 weeks time so that will be a more consistent and settled environment for her (8-4) and obviously be more helpful for me too.

When she is doing something she shouldn't I was saying for example 'No' and removing her but she just laughs and continues to do it, I have started trying to not use the work No and refrase things instead like 'Please don't climb there that's dangerous' and remove her but it's HARDDDDDD, she still does it again and again and finds it funny. I know most of it is impulse but I really struggle knowing the best way to deal with this and the tantrums.

I've also communicated with my husbands gran and her creche and they have both expressed she doesn't have these tantrums with them, so is it just me? Am I the issue? She's always worse around me, my husband gets all the giggles and smiles and I get all the 'shit' 🥺

She sounds just like my DD was, it was horrendous. Felt like she was angry most of the time. I felt like it got better steadily from that age onwards though. She's 2.5 now and still drives me nuts but it's so much better than a year ago. I think she just needs some control over things which is easier to give her now she can communicate better.
I still struggle to get simple tasks done when she's awake though, I cannot imagine trying to work from home with her.
You sound like you're doing amazing, it will get better, it's just very slow progress.

Hello love.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way right now. You have gone through a traumatic few years.

Sorry to hear you lost your mum, and had a miscarriage soon after. That is a lot of loss in a short space of time. You are doing really well and have come so far with your weaning off of medication. What helps you feel at ease? Do you have any hobbies/likes?
When are you due some time off?

I agree with pp, parenting courses with tips on challenging behaviour is a good place to start. Your HV can send you links/referrals. Are you able to speak with your husband about how you are feeling? Can he help bare some of the load? Take a day off so you can do you? Or when she is back at nursery can you book a day off just for yourself?

I was also thinking, maybe talk to work and mention you're doing five days in four, only paid for four, so some work needs to be lifted, or you get paid more?

Some/most toddlers do go through a pushing boundaries stage at one time or another. Usually them not being able to talk/express what they want/feel can be a trigger. Few ideas; sometimes reconnecting works well. Also talking things through with her; ask her. Removing her from the situation. Distraction therapy. Staying strong and not showing it upsets you, but instead remain calm/caring/surprised by the tantrum; There are lots of different methods you could try, to help her understand her big feelings. There are some good resources online.

Really hope you're okay, you will get through this stage, sounds like you have bonded really well with her and your feelings are normal! Take care and be kind to yourself.

Of course you're not coping with work and no childcare now!!
Just remember that children release their big emotions around those they feel safest with, so that 'should' be you

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through. I really, really relate to this and my little boy gave me a very tough time! I felt like he never stopped screaming! Then from 18 months - 24 months was the worst time possible. People told me to brace myself and that it would get worse when we hit the 'terrible twos' but I've found that as he's been able to communicate more then things have been a lot better. He's still a pain in the bum at times but he's 3 next month and it definitely feels like life is getting easy again. I know that feels like a long way off but please know that this won't last forever, you're at the worst part now OP and I guarantee it'll only get better from here. 💛

You need childcare that covers all of the time you are working. The current set up is completely unsustainable for the pressure it's placing on you. You'll be constantly stressed either by not being able to work when you're expected to or having no down time as you spend it all catching up on work. This is a huge part of your stress! It's a lot more addressable than toddler tantrums, which will happen but - I had to tell myself this a lot - it's a phase and it will pass!

how much is your husband helping? It sounds like most of the childcare responsibility sits on you.

I agree with this. You need to address all the things that are within your control.

You've had a tough time and should go easy on yourself. Your little girl is behaving the way most toddlers do, her behaviour is not in any way unusual for her age. Bear in mind too that phases of their childhood change rapidly and are tiny fractions of time. It seems like this is "The Way She Is" at the moment but you could look back in a matter of weeks and things be completely different.

I'd focus on doing what you can to improve all the areas of your life within your control and seeking help for feelings of anger. Get back on the antidepressants if that's what it takes. Remove any other sources of stress that you're able to, focus on making life as easy as you can so that you can have the mental and emotional energy to deal with your toddler.

I feel your pain thought- they're little animals!

Toddlers innit. You just have to try and work around them. Involve them in everything you're doing rather than trying to do something, they come over, you shoo them away, they lose their shit, you say 'I can't get anything done around here!' Just take the path of least resistance and let them help. Yes they're slow and annoying but they're also very sweet when they're not in a rage

Sounds like you need to take a few days off work, or maybe even a few weeks off for your mental health.

If it isn’t too late, I would see if you can take parental or even unpaid leave for the rest of closure of nursery. You can’t stretch yourself so thin - it’s why you’re struggling so much. Anyone would!