How do i deal with 15yo Sons lying?

[Mum2TwoTeenBoys]

My son is 15 and lies compulsively, It is like he will never answer a question truthfully and only says what he thinks I want to hear. I know I am too soft and he emotionally manipulates me, i am so scared of him harming himself that I tend to let him get away with stuff.
I think fear of him harming himself is due to my history of self harm, he does not actually show any signs of depression or anxiety but due to my anxiety it's something I fear happening.
His two most recent big lies are him telling his schoolmates that he has attempted suicide (we know this to be untrue and he had admitted this to us) and that his GF sexually assaulted him by forcing him to perform sexual acts on her when he wasn't ready. Now the kids at school have started calling his GF a rapist...it sound so crazy when I write it down. He has told me he only said this because he wanted kids at school to care about him but this seems like such a silly way to get their attention and it clearly has gone to far.
He has this so called bunch of friends who are awful, they call him a pig and fat (he really isn't) and are horrible to his girlfriend who he doesn't defend because he is so desperate fro their approval.
I've checked his phone and the conversations he has are strange, he does tend to try and emotionally manipulate people, these kids are mean to eachother and say some vile things but he does appear to be more of a target but he doesn't help himself with his lies. My husband has reached the end of his rope and is now leaving me to deal with it as I always undermined his overlystrict punishments.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated. Oh and he is Dyspraxic so i know emotional regulation and lying can be a factor but i really don't know what to do to help him.

OP, maybe it's just the way your post is written, but you seem to be massively under reacting here. What he did to his girlfriend is absolutely shocking and horrendous behaviour. I would be going absolutely nuclear with him! What consequences has he had? He needs to apologise her, tell everyone that it isn't true and have his phone confiscated as an absolute minimum.

Oh I can assure you, that has been done he is on a full tech ban, no phone, PlayStation or anything! I went absolutely crazy... He has apologised to her and her parents and knows he needs to make it clear at school that she has done nothing wrong.

He knows how bad what he has done is I'm just trying to understand why...am i doing something wrong or missing something.

I want him to learn that this behaviour is toxic and isn't how to approach relationships and friendships. He desperately wants people (his peers) to like him and really struggles to understand why they don't. he has a large social group but he has always been the one they pick on for a laugh. however, adults love him, he is so confident, cocky and outgoing he really can light up a room. He has always struggles with his friendships, even when he was about 10 i found a message on his xbox saying if they wouldn't be his friend he may as well kill himself.

I know teens lie and exaggerate stuff, but when i was a kid a lad would lie about how far he had gone with a girl not that he had been sexually assaulted...it's like he wants pity and sympathy even if it means emotional blackmail....and i just don't know why! we are an open family, we talk loads. have a great relationship and enjoy time together and i just don't understand why he is like this.

Yes, I agree with pp that you are under-reacting to what sounds like some very troubled and troubling behaviour, although to be honest I'd be thinking less about punishment and more about professional support. Almost all teens lie sometimes but these particular lies are very strange and worrying and I wonder whether there's something serious at the bottom of it all.

Have you spoken to the school to see what is going on there?

If you have the resources it might be worth him seeing a psychologist who specialises in adolescent behavioural problems.

I'm really sorry but it sounds like you need to deal with this right now. Your husband is totally correct, get on the same page or your son will be a disaster waiting to happen. It sounds like your enabling it. I would never go against my other half dealing with our teen and he can like it or lump it. Mum and dad should be united. This behaviour wouldn't even partially happen with our kids. Stop making excuses and actually deal with it before its to to late.

I am in the process of trying to find a professional to talk to, but i don't know if it counselling or a psychotherapist I need.

When i say overly strict punishments from my husband I mean threats to kick him out, smash up his belongings etc. I don't think that is the way to approach issues so yes i will undermine him in that aspect.

My husband is older and was beaten as a child but seems to think that it didn't do him any harm etc

I'm sorry if i seem dismissive, i can assure you I'm not I'm just genuinely so shocked and confused.

I would look for a registered psychologist- have a look on here https://portal.bps.org.uk/Psychologist-Search/Directory-of-Chartered-Psychologists

I agree with you that threats and smashing belongings are not the right approach. What has the school said?

I have called 4 people on there so far and no joy. I have an appointment with his GP in three weeks but i am waiting for a call back from the mental health team at his school in the mean time

Presumably ex girlfriend now he has told everyone that she sexually assaulted him?

I think you need to hold your breath for some very serious action from the girlfriend’s parents - if this was my dd then I would be discussing with the school and taking legal advice including about whether this is something that the police would prosecute.

What he has done is very serious indeed. Not least as he has now put her at very serious risk of being sexually assaulted. (Who would believe her now?)

I am treading very carefully with this because i think its important i don't jump the gun and there appears to be alot more too it than i initially thought.

when they started dating she wanted sex and he didn't as he said he wasn't ready he told me this.

I got a call from the GF parents yesterday (this is all still fresh and I'm continuing to find out things) to say she was upset as some kids were calling her a rapist so obviously i tried to get to the bottom of it and I'm still finding stuff out now!

Turns out a few months ago they were alone and she initiated some sexual activity and he declined and she got upset and cried so he did it anyway. he then confided in a so called friend that he felt pressured into it and that has snowballed into him being SA'd.

so whilst I'm so angry he hasn't put a stop to this treatment on his GF and maybe even potentially played into it once he got attention/sympathy part of me also feels i need to be careful that i don't completely dismiss the fact that he may of felt he was pushed into something sexual he didn't want to do just because he is a boy.

but because of the previous lies there is a seed of doubt.