4yo, have I handled this right?

[yellis]

My child is very nearly 4, in a few weeks. Unfortunately I had to go and collect him from school today because he bit two children. Both me and his dad went in and spoke to his teachers, we had a meeting in front of my son about what had happened. He apologised and understood it was wrong, seemed upset about it. He had to miss the rest of the day which he was sad about as his friends had stayed. We came home and spoke about it in length, that we need to use words when we are cross, not violence. That if you get big feelings and really need to hit or bite then hit a cushion, or bite your jumper etc. if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed or upset or cross go and talk to miss etc. The mood has been subdued at home, I've tried to not give too much attention so he doesn't feel like he got to go home and have fun as a reward sort of thing. He's not been allowed tv or to go out to the park or anything fun. He has promised he won't do it again. He bit once at school last week and once the week before, prior to that he hadn't bitten in a year at school so I'm feeling really upset by it and worried about how to handle it. Last week his teacher informed us at pick up but didn't ask for a meeting like they did today. He promised then it wouldn't happen again and it has today I'm not blaming it on other kids but around a month ago he was bitten at school on 4 different occasions which seems to of set him off doing it again.

Absolutely spot on imo. Hope that's the end of it. It's not easy fir anyone when biting starts

Thank you. Part of me feels like I should read him the riot act but I don't want to be a shouty mum when that's not what I think he responds to. It's so hard.

It needs to be immediate
Remove him from the other kids for 5 minute
Notvtaking him to park several hours later is pointless
Going to park fresh air being active is good
He is 4

If he bites in park take him home yes

Try and analyse what drives the biting
What happens just before?
Whst is he communicating ?

Why did you have to pick him early?
School shpukd have isdued consequence eg sit quietly next to teacher snd carried on

Has the school got a strategy in place to support him? PERSONALLY, I'm never sure about the hitting/biting something else idea-it seems to me that suggesting it's ever OK to hit or bite might be counterproductive. But I know a lot of people use the tactic so I could very well be wrong.

I think you've handled it brilliantly. Sometimes parents feel they need to produce a big angry reaction so that they are seen to be "dealing with it" by other adults, when it may be the opposite of what is needed by the child. You've treated it as serious, you've addressed the feeling that may lead to biting and suggested other strategies he can use next time - textbook good parenting, imo.

Just don't be discouraged if you have to repeat it a couple more times - it doesn't mean your strategy has failed and you need to be more punitive, just that he's very little and may not master self-control as quickly as an adult!

Its so tough op, I have been there. It will get better bit it might take some time. My ds went through a phase of hitting other children at that age. It took a while for him to really learn that it was unacceptable, so be prepared that this might not be a once and done discussion. I felt horrendous about it, especially as it was happening at nursery so my control over it was really limited. He never did it at home, so I could never catch what triggered it or manage it in the moment. It made me feel a bit helpless to do anything really.

In ds's case we worked out that he hit out when he got frustrated, or felt cornered, or felt something wasn't fair. So we talked a lot about what else you can do in those situations, read a lot of books with stories about managing big emotions and strategies for sharing, moving away from a tricky situation, telling a teacher etc. We reinforced all this over and over, he's 5 1/2 now and we still read the books occasionally. For a while, though, we were getting reports of him hitting or pushing other kids on a regular basis. I was despairing about it. It got better gradually.

It didn't really change for ds until he left the nursery and went to reception class, and his behaviour improved a lot. I think their approach to managing it is just more effective than the nursery was.

They are a bit more no nonsense, but also focus on supporting him to take time to calm down and manage his frustration. It has worked wonders for ds, he tells me now when he's taking some time out to think about how he feels, and I've had no major concerns from them about his behaviour.