other children stealing from your home?

[TwasTheNightBeforeXmasOwl]

how would you approach the mother of a child you thought was stealing from you? or more to the point my ds. some time ago a couple of his dvds went missing..new films like shrek 2 etc. we looked everywhere...i didnt even realise they were gone until the friend who bought them pointed it out. im quite obsessed with dvds, cds etc all being put back in the right boxes and neatly on the shelf so i know they are not lost in my house. i did wonder about it as ds's friend had been spending considerable amounts of time here. so tonight ds wants to play with his new playstation steering wheel and we find it wont work. i suggested it was because the game he was using was extremely old and may not be compatible or that maybe the wheel only works on playstation 1, and to find his one other racing game (playstation 2) to see if that would work. i got quite frustrated with him saying he couldnt find it so i had a look myself. its gone. i think another game has too as he only has a few p2 games which fitted neatly in the draw...now theres a big gap. i pulled out the tv cabinet, the draws, video, playstation, everything and its definately not there. his little friend was over two nights ago. coincidence? i know the baby hasnt taken it either as although she goes to the draws she cant yet get things out of them and when shes on the floor i watch her every move. so do i confront his mother..or do i lay a little trap for the next time so i can get proof? in a way i hope it was him because then i have an excuse to get him out of my house for good. (yes its the stalker neighbour from hell's boy who last time conned my ds into giving him lots of ps1 games which we did get some of back but most were broken or without cases) would he steal? i wouldnt like to think so but.......

anyway, was possibly thinking at xmas of "leaving" a couple of games lying about, checking them before he comes round and again when he's gone. after xmas day ds's present do get left downstairs for about a week so it wont be too hard to pretend i dont know where anything is and wont notice if something goes. what do you think?

I would probably do what you're suggesting to see if the planted items go missing to prove your theory. How bloody annoying for you (and ds)!

bumpity bump!

How well do you know the parents of the child you think is stealing? Would you feel comfortable raising it not as a question of him stealing from you, but saying that maybe he's picked them up by mistake and could they check to see if he has them.

Ooh, that's a good idea WWB. Very diplomatic!

Plant an attractive looking item but include with it a note that says "gotcha you thieving little git" for him to discover when he plays with it.

I'd be tempted to ask the little sod's parents if he has 'borrowed' them - wouldn't use the word stolen though.

How horrible - not nice for DS to have his things taken.

Could you plant a blank dvd/ps game instead...you know copy the cover etc, just in case you dont get the things back???

definitely lay a little trap.

Or approach the child's mum and say "X lent [her son] some games and a dvd, any chance you could have them back now.

Agree with everything that's been said. In addition why dont you lark all the discs and boxes etc, with permanent markers that you can buy specifically to write on CD's etc. If you use some sort of code (a sequence of dots or something), it'll not be obvious to the thief, but gives you and the other childs parents something to look for.

sorry - lark should be 'mark'

agree that your should get out a magic marker and write something on each disc etc.

I think you should have a word with this boys mother. Just say that you wondered if * had borrowed (name the stuff) by mistake as you can't find it, and you know both boys had all the stuff out when he son came round. I have had to do this in the past, and IME, it can be done without sounding as if you are directly accusing the other boy of premeditated stealing. I tend to stress how well the playdate went but how much mess was made, so it looks like things could have been taken by accident in the general confusion.

oh and I definetly wouldn't invite this boy over while there are christmas presents lying around. If your ds wants to see him, can you take them both to the park or something similar?

i think im going to go with the marker idea and also "plant" something for him to take. if im honest i would prefer not to have him in my house at all. (and this would be the perfect excuse, he can be nasty at times) i did consider asking the mother if he had borrowed them but he doesnt have a playstation at home, its at his dads. so he could easily have taken the games there and told his dad his mother bought them. (plus, if she asks if hes "borrowed" them he will say no. he can be very sly and he would know then that we're on to him.) communication between his mother and father isnt good so ive no way of finding out if the game/dvds went to his father's house iyswim. however, if the stuff is marked that might be a good way. she doesnt believe he could steal anything...i know this as ds let it slip after the dvds went and she said "he wouldnt do that" without ever bothering to try and find out. i need some ammo/concrete-ish evidence really or she wont even consider trying to find out.

Good luck

What an unpleasant situation for you, and difficult too, as the stuff could be at his father's home.

You feel it's futile to talk to the mother, but that doesn't stop you saying something general to the son. You don't have to point an accusing finger at him. Next time you see him you could just slip something into the conversation along the lines of, ' how sad your ds is that some of his best games seemd to have got lost, you've looked high and low for them, you know how much you two like playing with them, I wonder where they could be, .....'

I had the same problem with my DS not long ago, the problem was that the boys mother was exactly the same as her son, needless to say they aren't welcome in our home anymore! Your son would be better off playing with other children with better morales!!!

We used to have to frisk one of dd's little friends (they were only 5) as she would constantly pocket little things.... her mum knew she had this habit and was happy to get stuff back for us. Frankly, if you don't want this boy in your house, don't invite him over any more. I would just make a lot of excuses and if your ds persists, just try and put him onto other friends who you think might be less nasty. I guess it is our role as parents to guide our kids away from people who we think are not so nice - the last thing you want is for your ds to think this boy is cool and to get involved with him.

its easier said than done. i dont invite him over anyway, he lives in the same street and cutting a long story short, ive tried to get him and his mother out of my house many many times. theyre the type that wont take no for an answer. short of sitting in the house with the curtains closed and ignoring their constant banging on my door, window, back door (which ive tried and doesnt work) i cant avoid them. this is why rather than prevention i want to catch him at it. then i can get rid of them for good. ps...even if his mother knew, she wouldnt admit it to me. she'd prob give him a telling off but that would be it. no stuff back. he isnt a toddler, hes nine and old enough to know better.

oh and ds doesnt even like him that much! he feels more or less the same way as i do!

They sound like more trouble than they are worth. Time to say goodbye to them both.

I can see you don't want to end up on totally bad terms as they are neighbours. Just concentrate on finding a way to end their unwanted visits for good. Aa long as you keep them on the doorstep (don't let them barge into the house), can't you just say no I am busy, no I am going out, not I am ill ad infinitum. If you smile and are polite, yet firm, won't they eventually get the message?

TwasTheNightBeforeXmasOwl

what an awful situation

IMHO you need to decide whether you can risk setting a trap and him nicking something different or you want to try to ban them from the house.

I remember a mumsnetter a while ago saying that a neighbour just walked into their house via the back door was that her. Sorry if I have got that wrong.

it could perhaps have been me kangamummy..its like the set of "neighbours" here sometimes! i cant say i "dislike" his mum as i dont really dislike anyone but they are quite frankly a complete pain in the arse. i do feel sorry for the child, (have written threads before about them), he doesnt have much and it must upset him when he sees ds's things. (thats not snobbery by the way, ds has what an average child has, this other child doesnt) but that doesnt excuse the way this child behaves in my home. he has been known before to put my sons new birthday toys in an old suitcase outside which he knew was to be burnt on bonfire night. (id like to think it was coincidence but i dont really believe that). im torn really...i feel sorry for the child and sorry for the mother although she makes her life the way it is with her own stupidity (even though theres no excuse for scrounging from other people) i saw him tonight and although he can be a little bugger, for one minute (only) i really felt sorry for him. all the same, i know for a fact he's sly and if it was him then £15 for a new ps2 game is well worth not having anything else stolen i think! its sad...hes only the way his mother made him. tigermoth, i wish i could smile and say im busy but when i do that they give me 10 minutes and bang the door again! the only way to get rid of them is to have a quick coffee with his mum and then say im having my tea or something. i know she is lonely but its her own fault she loses friends (ie "borrowing" money from them and not returning it)!! anyway, if it turns out he is stealing then im afraid i will feel sorry for him no more and that will be it!

twasthenight, I'd find it very difficlut to be friendly with anyone who knocked on my door every 10 minutes, not matter what their problems were. I think you do well to be so sympathetic, but if a quick coffee is the best way of keeping things at bay then so be it.

I don't know what to make of the suitcase thing either - my son's friends have played destructive and hiding games with his toys in the past and I've never known how much was cold malice and how much was not.

My son used to have a best friend in this street - a child of a neighbour. We had just moved here, my son was 5 and this boy was 6. He was a bit more streetwise then my son, and his behaviour got worse as he got older. Quite a lot of my sons toys were 'accidently' broken when the two of them played together. Anyway, I did feel a bit sorry for him. He was the youngest child in a big family, was rarely taken out, had been to hardly any local places (and by local I mean 30 minutes bus ride away). So I began to take him on outings with us - circus, films, parks, etc - I didn't expect the visits to be reciprocated. But I did begin to get cross as he got increasingly cheeky, defiant and uncontrallable over the two years I did this. By this time my son was getting fed up with him as he was breaking too many of his toys and saying spiteful things to him. I wondered how I could extricate ourselves from this situation and, a after lots of warnings to the boy, I began to ease off the invites out. I fully expeced him or his mother to say something, but they never did. I was dreading the worst. I felt really guilty about back tracking on a friendship when the friends lived so close by, without causing lots of offence. The family have moved away from our road, though they are still in the area. The boys still play together when they happen to meet if we are out. I was never a close friend of the mother, but she and I talk in the same way now as we talked when I saw a lot of her son. If they have hard feelings towards me, they don't say anything to my face, and to be frank, that's enough for me

I know you are friendly with this boy's mother so it's not the same situation as mine, but there's a chance you could be surprised at how easily she accepts you are not around for her. After all, the way she treats you now is not how most people treat their neighbours - knocking on your door all the time etc - so she might not be as upset as you imagine if you are less friendly with her.

thats a good point tigermoth. our street is a very gossipy place and as far as i am aware she is not liked too much...nor is her child. i dont tend to "get in" with my neighbours but the few things ive heard about her havent been complimentary. i think even if i cant prove what he has done i will try to lessen the visits. bit by bit im mentioning things to her. she is on benefit as currently i am but she spends her money on beer mainly and doesnt seem to understand how other people can buy their children xmas presents. its very sad in a way. i can take her in small doses but i dont agree with the things she does and how she raises her son. the kid is nasty though...he's hurt ds a couple of times and when i go to tell him off he looks so sorry and upset...but ds has told me that before i come in, his friend is laughing his head off. to me that is a sly, intelligent child (and downright horrible)! i will let you know how i get on with my "trap"...best is guess what i bought this child for xmas before all this?.....a playstation game!

I'm glad you have a plan, twasthenight. Based on what you've said, I definitely think you're doing the right thing in easing off these visits. You don't have to cut this woman dead, but it's important you feel in control of how on what terms you see her and her son. It looks like you won't get a bad press from your fellow neighbours either. If you do it gradually, and with some warning (ie telling the woman one or two things about her son's behaviour) then you are at least giving her the time to change things if she wants to - or can. It sounds like she has problems. I don't know how serious they are, but you could consider passing the info on to your health visitor, if you think she and her son need more help.