DH complaining over everything i do for our toddler is getting on my nervesson

[HoneyBunnii]

Hi, not sure if i put this in the right section but just wanted to let off some steam..

My son will be turning 2 this month and i have been planning a small birthday for him and have not bought him a gift yet.
Everytime i ask my DH what we should get him he just shrugs it off and says that i am spoiling our son and that when DH was the same age as our son he never got anything on his birthdays etc. (He is from abroad and had a difficult childhood that was spent working and earning from the age of 7 and was raised in a poor family).

It annoys me because i want to be able to give my son everything that we didnt have.
I wouldnt say i am spoiling him but it is his birthday and i want to make memories and its not like he will have another 2nd birthday again.

I had bought him one of those small paddling pools with the sandpit (those clam shaped ones you get on argos for around £25) for the summer so he can get some fresh air and time outside but again my DH criticised me over this too and told me that he will grow up not appreciating anything and will take everything for granted if he grows up with whatever he wants..

Its not like i bought him a personal tablet to play on or something at such a young age that he would make a big fuss.

He has not even helped me with picking the decorations and i am having to do all of this myself which i am finding upsetting because i really want the father to be a part of all these occasions in our sons life.

Even when our son was born my DH wanted to buy everything second hand.
I agreed with having a second hand crib and toys as babies grow real fast and dont need many things after the first year and even bought a second hand car seat and second hand pushchairs but he made a huge fuss when i bought him a new baby rocker as our son always wanted to be carried and held and i could not find a suitable second hand one for him.

Sometimes DH starts comparing our son to his cousins (son's cousins) abroad and saying things like "they dont get as many things as he does" but that shouldnt be my problem.

There has never been a day where my DH has gone out and bought anything for our son. The only time he bought him something was a ride on car that had been dumped outside in the alleyway alongside other broken unwanted furniture by one of our neighbours because the pedals were not working.

I felt so heartbroken when he did this.. i would give my son the whole world if i could because i feel every moment for my son is valuable but his father doesnt feel the same.. are all fathers like this?
I remember my dad didnt get me much things when i was a toddler as well and got mostly hand me downs and it was mostly my mum that bought me things..

He sounds miserly and miserable.

There is a lot of joy in giving.

Both mine loved those clam shells. One full of water, one full of sand.

Your dh needs reminding that your dc is not him. Times change. You shouldn’t feel bad for wanting to buy your dc nice things. My dh can be tight as he doesn’t like wasting money. I normally just go ahead and get what I want anyway. What can he do.

He sounds tight and joyless. Is he sending money back home?

Those sound like perfectly normal things to want for your child and buy for your child.

It does sound like your DP had a difficult childhood, so I wonder if there's more going on here. He might not just be being miserable but perhaps cant see that his childhood wasn't the norm? Or can't let go of it? I'm not sure but what I'm getting at is it sounds like he needs to talk to someone and work through why he feels this way.

As your son get older there will.be more and more things he needs and wants so this will only get worse if your DPs feelings stay the same

@cocksstrideintheevening yeah he sends money monthly back home around £140 for his mom.. even though her other 36 year old married son lives with her.. i dont complain over that but then it pixxes me off when i cant spend anything on our son.. i wanted to get him a rocking horse or a trike for his second birthday but now i feel like i shouldnt get him anything costing more than £20 thanks to dh

@Spottypineapple i feel that way too but i have talked to him about it but he still acts the same way... it is almost as though he fears that his son wont be able to stand up for himself or be a softy when he is older because he isnt facing the challenges his father faced.. my DH's father abandoned the family when he was around 5 as well and i have told my dh that if he keeps acting like this then its not really different to what he faced (growing up without a dad) because he is rarely participating in anything to do with our son and our son might grow up resenting him

Do not have friends or family in this country with children for you to point out what’s a little more average?
It’s very unusual in this country for even the poorest families to not give their children birthday gifts.
There is a massive difference between a spoiled child and a child who gets a few gifts for its birthday.
My kids have a lot. I still wouldn’t call them spoiled exactly. They are grateful for what they have. Always say thank you and will accept ‘No’ with good grace. They are mostly kind and respectful. They know how lucky they are and don’t take it for granted.
Buy your son a trike if you have the money.

Do you work and have your own money?

Your husband sounds absolutely awful, I couldn't cope with a man like that.
As if he cannot even comprehend his OWN son having a nice birthday because he didn't, utterly bizarre, you'd think he'd want to spoil him more because of what he didn't have growing up

@Smartiepants79 my sons relatives and family friends' kids here in the UK get whatever they want even when it isnt their birthday, whenever i point that out to him he just responds with "well just watch how they turn out when they grow up"

@EyeC i know right? As i said, i had mostly hand me downs from my older siblings and now when i look back i feel alittle sad that i didnt have much to call my own and that is probably why i want to try and get my son whatever i can so he doesnt have to feel the same way when he grows up and i assumed DH would feel the same way but idk why he doesnt.. i just cant seem to get through his thick skull

Sounds like its deeper than spoiling your son (which I dont believe you are), and more about the trauma he suffered as a child. Maybe he's trying to justify to himself the horrible childhood he had by convincing himself kids are spoiled if they have nice things. Sadly I know that's no help to you or your son.

Have you spoken to him using the direct comparison, that he was a child, in completely different circumstances, with completely different peers, in a completely different country, 3 (? guessing DH's age) decades ago.

Why would you attempt to recreate the same circumstances when nothing about the child's environment is the same. Even just the age difference, for starters.

I was a child in the 80s. Our parents sent us out on bikes, no way of contacting us, and we came home when the street lights came on. That was the norm but it doesn't happen now. It would be ridiculous to try and apply that to my DC, the world is a different place now.

Maybe you should start

Sorry!

Maybe you should start moaning everytime DH has something? New pair of trainers....oh but people in X place wouldn't be able to afford trainers like that. Nice lunch/pint/tickets to something....Oh DH how could you?! You know there are people in the UK reliant on food banks. Have a whinge everytime he has something and see how he likes it.

@InceyWinceySpidy yeah i guess so.. i mean i always tell him things were different back then and even give him an example of my childhood back in the early 90's when alot of the things the average childs has now was a luxury back then.. maybe it's the guilt that our son has alot and the other kids from his family back home don't

@NuffSaidSam oh trust me i have, and it always backfires by him saying something along the lines of "well i needed these but if you are complaining then i will return them" which he then does and sends me on a guilt trip! I think i need to toughen up and stop giving a crap when he does say things like that though

Does he not want to give his son everything he never had and a better quality of life? most generations want and see it as their role to make life somewhat if not materially better than the last?

or does he want your child to be poor and struggling like he did?

Seriously ask him these questions? Especially coming from an immigrant background. why did you come to here if not to build a nice life with more opportunity, does that not include his child? otherwise why bother staying go back and live in sufferation and strife.

My grandparents didn't travel here and graft hard for me to live in suffering they came here so we could build better and better. create safety and health for our entire lineage.

He is being absolutely ridiculous

@beAsensible1 i feel like he wants our kid to have a life where nothing comes easy and that he wishes for him to grow up into a man like himself. The problem is that my son is alot like me, he is fun loving and likes to joke and have a good time and maybe this is whats freaking him out.. that if i keep buying him things etc. He might end up being the total opposite of the type of son he wants him to grow into.. and i told him that DS will always have his own personality no matter what DH does.. you cant just mold a kid into the son you want when he grows up but it seems thats what my DH seems to be trying to do from the looks of it and i can see my son becoming distant from him already.. he doesnt even like being picked up by his father anymore and whenever he sees him he starts to cry as in "why is he here?".. i even tried to show that to dh so he can see how the way he has been treating our son is affectong the relationship between the two

remind him why he is here. mind him that who is and aspects of himself were forged from turmoil and suffering. And that there is more than one way to teach a child to be a man.

If he wants to teach his son about earning and hardworking and effort he should get him into a sport not try and kill his joy.

He loves and chose you as a partner, he should be happy to see you in his child and nourish who he is. if he wants his child to understand where he came form he can visit his home country every summer

I really think you might benefit from looking at this in the round and not as your DP trying to punish you or your son in any way.

A 7 year old child having to work to support their family is heartbreaking, and must be a traumatising experience (regardless of how common it may globally) I imagine it’s the tip of the iceberg in terms of what he went through as a child.

I find your example of the ride on car heartbreaking not for your child, who is too young to know whether the car is broken really, but because it suggests how deeply your partner is still affected by his childhood. Imagine if all you felt entitled to having was a broken cast off, imagine if that’s the level of personal acquisition you felt comfortable with, or the only gift you felt able to give - that’s a really difficult position to be in.

It seems to be the case that your partner overcame his hard start and can now live differently, but childhood habits, associations and cycles can be very hard to break especially when you have your own children - even when you can do things differently, or even when you want to. My guess is your partner has an internal battle going on over these issues and they won’t be resolved for him, or between you, unless you’re able to show a tremendous amount of empathy towards him and to create some compromises. Counselling might help him a lot, maybe by himself or with you so he knows you want to work through this together?

Right now your son is too young to care if things are new or exactly what he has/how much stuff etc. you’ve got some time to work on this… perhaps if you want to be doing something for your DS while you figure things out you could put money aside yourself so you know you’re giving him something of value for his future and buy only token gifts? Agree an amount your partner is happy to spend and go and choose something together however small it may be? Make decorations together instead of buying them? Maybe your partner would be more comfortable with spending on activities/days out all together out than physical items? maybe it would help if you’re able to send his cousins a gift from your son on his birthday every year to celebrate, as well as giving him his own present? Part of this could be just taking baby steps and encouraging your partner to give himself permission to participate, even if it means starting really small.

There is much to be valued in an attitude that prioritizes stability and warmth and love over material things, and there’s nothing wrong with your partner wanting to teach your son not to place too much importance on material items. There is also nothing wrong with you wanting to celebrate special events with gifts and provide for your child materially. All our attitudes around these things are strongly influenced by our childhoods and cultures - you may just have a tough journey to understand each other in this respect.

I hope you can work through this together with compassion. It’s clear you just want the best for your son, and to be able to enjoy being a mother in the way you feel is “normal” and there’s nothing wrong with that. But maybe try and consider that your partner isn’t trying to create a roadblock and spoil things, but that he can’t help seeing things differently. It sounds as though he has strong values, many of which could be very positive, and that he has come a long way in his life. Having an appreciation of where his father has come from as your DS grows up won’t damage your son if both his parents can find a way to understand and work through what’s driving them.

good luck - and I hope your family enjoy the upcoming birthday!

It sounds like your Dh has been brought up with traditional parents and he still has quite irrational and misogynistic attitudes? … such as that he can’t openly shower his son with love and affection because strong men don’t display affection, and that would make his two year old son ‘soft’ like a girl? It’s very sad that your two year old son cries when he sees his own Dad- has he been frightened by him?

@Ifallelsefailschocolate no he has never been frightened of him because my husband has never done anything to frighten him.. but my son is happier now if it is just me with him and doesnt like the dad being around

Nothing wrong with spoiling your son on his birthday. Doesn't mean he will grow up to be spoiled he won't even know what's going on at 2!

He sounds very miserable. I had a bad upbringing and if anything, I went the opposite way and want my DD to have everything, not have the same childhood as I did!

Easiest way to deal with this is to tell him you'll buy your son that you birthed and raise whatever the F you want.

Your husband needs to go to therapy.

He sounds depressed and traunatised.

If he won't get help and won't change, he will ruin your life and your son's too.

Next time he starts criticising/ dragging you down, ask him, "What year is it? What age are you? Where are you living?"

This will be a broad hint to him that he has to draw a line under his past and embrace the present.

I would say. "You were unhappy as a child and life was tough. I do not want that for our child" Then I would buy you son the gifts you want (assuming you can afford it)

I know that I can be a bit ott with my children. It definitely comes from being poor and having little growing up. I want my children to have everything I didn't. My partner thinks it is too much and says so sometimes, but he buys stuff too and would never dream of not getting birthday presents. I would buy a clam because he needs a pool to play in in the summer and not feel guilty at all.

When my son was 2, he got a little tyke playhouse and a swing set. They were good value, as he loved them and played with them for years.

If you want your child to have it, can afford it and he appreciates things, why should he not have it?