Lonely bullied teen son

[Pippyls67]

Our 17 yr old son was so bullied at school that he won’t mix with anyone now and hates leaving the house in case he sees the bullies. It was verbal bullying and mocking of him. Despite being really clever with great GCSEs he’s not doing anything with his life just sitting home and gaming. It’s breaking my heart in two. He wants to have a friend or two desperately. What would you do if you were his parent? . DH says he’s too busy working to help, especially now as he’s having to support an unproductive son who may never get better. I’m truly heartbroken. Think husband just too frustrated with the situation and has switched off.

Oh bless you (and him)
Are there any clubs that he could join for his hobby? Part time job?
Are there really no like-minded kids at his school?

Well your husband sounds like a peach.

Has he left school and not followed up with anything?

It sounds like he needs mental health support - I would contact your GP and see if they can point you in the direction of any online resources? CAMHS won't see him for ages but if he is comfortable online, he may be able to access help that way?

Thanks for replying. He’s just left school and not followed up with anything. Was meant to go to 6th form but was just too scared to go in. I need to contact the doctor and get him so mental health support I can see. And for me too I think. We’re both getting pretty depressed about it all. It’s the blind leading the blind! Thank you so much for answering me fellow mums net members. It means a lot to be able to put it into words and get a response. I cried reading them, just to think people cared enough to write.

Do you mean he left school last summer and has been sat in his room gaming ever since? No job, no training, not in education? Nothing at all?

So sorry to hear this, your poor son (and you too).

This may be a silly idea, but would it be possible to help him get a voluntary role, possibly with older people (ideally mixed sex)? It sounds as though he might need some kind and gentle folk to help build up his confidence and a voluntary role related to a hobby or interest could be the baby step that sets him on the path to recovery. There are loads of opportunities listed on Reach Volunteering. He could even start with a remote role if he doesn’t feel up to face to face.

Big hugs to you, it must be worrying and stressful for you too.

You often make friends at work so could he get a little part time job? That way he is doing something and might start meeting people that he could strike up a friendship with.

It's a shame he won't try sixth form because my son found it a completely different atmosphere with most of the idiots not there anymore. How about try to get him to look around a few different sixth forms? It doesn't matter if he is a year older, my son spent three years in sixth form and there were some other students a year older too. He might find that it is nothing like he imagined.

Could you move area and all have a new start?

I would try and get him some sort of talk therapy. He needs to build himself up and make a plan for the future either education or job.

It sounds like a heartbreaking situation for both him & you.

At 17, i was totally alone, so quiet i was almost mute and depressed.

Going to college changed things as I met a few people ai actually became friends with and started to enjoy life.

im in my 40’s now with a job enjoy and a family. I don’t have lots of friends but i’m happy.

Definitely get your son mental heath help. Anti-depressants can make things seem less bleak - and CBT can help him adjust how he feels about himself.

I’m sorry to hear about your son.

Our DS went through something similar and we have got him into several activities that help him mix with other people - some his age, older teens and also adults;

Cadets
Scouts
Dry ski slope teens club
Football club that actively promotes inclusion for everyone
CrossFit classes for teens
Cookery classes
Air soft

We also looked into him volunteering at the local animal charity and getting a Saturday job helping out for a few hours at a children’s class.

It’s hard for them to have the confidence to begin with but we’ve persevered and he’s very social now.

I think you know he needs some serious help. It’s time for a trip to the GP. And possibly (if in your budget) some private therapy- with a good therapist.
I would also start to restrict the gaming. Down to at the start 3 hours a day. Start teaching him some life skills eg simple baking, or weeding the garden, cleaning the car etc.
These tasks are rewarded with a small amount of gaming time.
Would he do online school eg interhigh?
I would also supplement with a good multi vitamin and some exercise - even if that is in the garden or a walk at night when it is quiet or driving to a location far away where he knows no one and you can walk together.

If you have the money to do it I’d take a month off and go backpacking round Europe with him. Cheap hostels, cool experiences, lots of added confidence, something to be proud of. Leave him on his own a bit, have him take the lead, book some adventure activities.

Id also lay down the rule that he has to do something when you return. College (not necessarily the one his school feeds into), job, a levels online plus hobby group, adventure on his own etc. but not just stay home.

Oh bless your boy, that’s really tough. Is there a 6th form further away where there might be less people he knows - so a new start? Yes to the activities suggested above, but it would be helpful if someone went along even just to wait in the car outside so he knows you’re there. Do you have any similarly aged family (cousins?) who might be kind and help?…

Oooo I love @Namechangedforthis2244 idea above!!!

Some great ideas above. I think volunteering can be good if you can find a charity he has an affinity with as there are usually volunteers from across the generations. Something like beach cleaning? Food bank?

Sixth form at a different school, dont let the bullies win. If he did great at GCSEs he can do great at A levels. The best revenge is a life well lived. You might need to get pushy about the gaming though as thats very addictive (especially when escaping reality).

That's a really good idea. And going to the GP.

And when you get back from the trip, he needs to at least try to do something. An apprenticeship, a different college, a job, anything. Staying in the house the whole time living life online is not going to help his MH at all.

I really sympathise - so awful having children who mentally struggle.

He's only 17, so there's still time to turn things around. Stephen Fry was in prison at that age and yet ended up at Cambridge!

Don't push him too hard too fast. Personally, I would get him on some kind of medication. People knock them, but anti-depressants, benzos, etc, really can be life savers. If you could get him on the right medication, he'd find social interaction easier (I believe seroxat and klonopin are recommended for social anxiety).

Next step would be to get him some therapy. He needs group therapy, not one to one. He needs to be in some kind of support group, with other young people who suffer from anxiety, depression, bullying, etc.

After that, a part-time job. Maybe a village shop – something easy and low-stress. It will give him an enormous boost. The awful thing about school is that it's your whole world. When you're in your 30s, you know bullying is not normal. You understand that these are just arseholes being arseholes and that it's nothing to do with you. When you're 14 or 15, however, you have no life experience and so you take their spite personally.

He just needs to get out in the world and mix with people. Once he does that, he'll realize there is a vast range of people out there, and no such thing as normal. You can do A-levels and go to university at 19 or 20 (or 25 or 40). I'm 46 and re-training for a new career. His life hasn't even started yet.

I really hope things work out. x

Any chance you can relocate? A fresh new start maybe just what he needs.

I'm so sorry to hear that your lad (and you) are having such a tough time. I don't think it helped that we had Covid / lockdowns etc, which got them into the habit of staying at home. I agree with what you and others have said about accessing support for both of your mental health. Your son sounds lovely and I'd imagine he'd thrive at college with a new peer group. Sending best wishes your way x

Thank you so so so much everyone. I’m truly overwhelmed. I felt incredibly alone I must confess and cynical about the world because of what happened to my DS. I’m going through all the responses and plan to share them with my son tomorrow. I’ve suggested many of the things mentioned but he was too afraid. Knowing other people think they are also the right way forward gives them so much more credibility though. He’s kind of convinced by the volunteering option as it’s so unlikely he’ll see the school kids who tormented him. That’s the first step along with seeing our GP I can see. He’d love to do A levels and had looked at college options where he can start afresh. He’s kind of afraid of all people his age now though. It’s become a generalised fear. Volunteering with older people is at least an introduction back into the world for now. Thank you again everyone. I feel incredibly relieved and reassured that other people are kind and good enough to care and comment. Restores your faith in human nature. Oh and yes, he is a lovely lad. Thank you. He’s very kind and sensitive. Sometimes think he’d be better off if he was a bit more of a brute, but I know I’m lucky to have such a nice guy as a DS.

No specific advice to add ( great comments so far.) But wanted to send love. My daughter suffered terribly with bullying ( perhaps not to this extent) But she has come out the other side and is now thriving at 21. Don't give up hope. He can and will have a wonderful and rewarding life. Sending you lots of love and light for your dear boy