Don’t think I want to be a mum anymore

[Fedupwife28]

I have a 5 and a half month old who I love so so much, but honestly I feel like I’m crumbling under the pressure of being a mum. I have very little support at home and since I got pregnant I have felt so so lonely and trapped. This morning I’ve just completely lost it with my husband because I can’t take anymore. I never get a break, because he is always too busy with work or he’s too tired so wants a lie in. He constantly says he will help but then changes his mind when it comes to it e.g says he will do the night feed but then won’t wake up so I have to do it. I sort of feel like I wish I hadn’t become a parent, or at least maybe I hadn’t had a baby with him. I have no life really because I always have the baby with me and on the odd occasion I’ve had the odd hour here or there on my own, I come back to baby hungry or overtired baby as he doesn’t understand what she needs. It’s so frustrating as I feel anxious as to what I’m coming back to when I do leave them together as he just doesn’t know how to look after her but mainly, he just doesn’t want to even try. He does no chores, likes to sleep in all morning and does very little unless it’s of benefit to him, like his hobbies or mindlessly scrolling through his phone. He is out doing something every weekend, gets to sleep through every night and does nothing when he gets home in the evenings so his life hasn’t changed at all.

Also, I know that people will ask but yes I have tried saying I’m going out, please do X and Y whilst I’m gone but they never get done so then I have to find the time to do them when I get home. As soon as I get home, baby is always passed straight back to me so he can rest or go out.

I know I need to leave, I just feel so low right now and part of me wants him to even experience one day of juggling life with a baby, but I know that’ll never happen. I know it’s not my DD’s fault but I feel like life was much easier before she was born. Maybe I’m depressed, I don’t know, but I don’t think my situation is helping how I feel and I feel like if I had any support then life would be easier.

You're miserable because of your useless, shitbag husband. Get rid of him and things will improve massively.

Honestly this is not how it's supposed to be. He cannot expect to not help with the night feeds and have all the lay ins for half the day. If he doesn't learn how to take care of her he will always have that excuse. I would give him an ultimatum it sounds like you would be no worse off on your own xx

I used to go out for a day and leave him with the baby. Put some bm in the freezer and let them feed the baby. He has to learn. If he doesn’t want to contribute hire a baby sitter whilst he is in the house so he can keep half an eye on what they are doing and you can check in
when you like. If he is being lazy and not contributing to care then he needs to pay for the baby sitter. This is common, mothers end up looking after the kids 24/7 when partners don’t step up. Partners underestimate the fact that it is a 24 hour job. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture and can lead to
depression. Also if. the baby is making lots of noise at night let it cry for a bit and turn the lights on and wake him up, do that for a week and he will soon get the message. Make up some excuse Don’t try to be too nice and considerate, so what he has a day time job, that’s just for 8 hours. It sounds like he needs to experience what it is really like. Life is easier with support, he should we doing the nights at weekend, I bet after a few nights sleep you will feel a lot better.

Agree with the other replies, your husband is being selfish and treating you like shit. It’s also ok to not want to be with your kids 24/7 even though you love them very very much! I went back to work after 6 months for this reason (had originally planned 12 months mat leave) and found the balance so much better. Could you get back to work? And if your husband doesn’t step up divorce him and have the kids 50:50, he’ll need to step up and start properly engaging with his own kids then.

He will literally ignore the baby no matter how much she’s crying, he did it this morning for over 15 minutes. I’m not sure it’s healthy to use her as a tool to try to make him help. I think that people who want to help do, and people who don’t just don’t. I think after 5 and a half months he would know anything about parenting but he knows nothing unfortunately.

I could go back to work but I have another thread going about our finances. He won’t commit to paying childcare costs right now as he doesn’t like to be put upon/asked too many questions so I don’t know if I can realistically afford to go back to work right now.

I think long term that divorce is where we’re heading but in the short term is doesn’t help with him wanting to parent. I highly doubt he will want 50:50 if we split, he wouldn’t want to do night feeds or give up his weekends

Can you move in with family? He's a selfish, lazy prick and doesn't deserve a child or a partner. Both you and your daughter deserve better, deserve to be happy. Good luck 💐

In many respects you would be better off on your own with the baby because then you wouldn't continually have your expectations disappointed by your uninterested husband. You would plan for being a single parent instead of having to cope with a useless husband as well as a baby.

Once you reframe things so that you are the only resident parent, you can get on with life and do things with the baby in toe rather than feeling as though you want to get on and do things but can't because your husband won't share the childcare.

I'm a single parent and baby DD never stopped me doing anything. She either came with me, went to nursery or was with a friend/family babysitting her.

Honestly, if there is just you and the baby your mental load and workload will be reduced. You will only have the two of you to deal with. I bet he expects you to do all the laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, planning? Once you separate he can do all that for himself.

I think you need to review your finances and make a plan. It is called getting your ducks in a row, and if you get this thread moved over to relationships, you will get lots of very good advice. If you decide to separate you need to make sure you have somewhere to live and your ex needs to contribute child support.

Oh OP, you're being treat like shit. I think you'd love being a Mum if your partner acted like a Dad. In your shoes I would separate and I bet you then things will seem much lighter.

You'd possibly also qualify for tax credits, help with childcare costs ect as a single mum.

Please talk to your HV about how you are feeling. They can support you.

Firstly, solidarity because I found this age SO hard. They arent little sleepy newborns anymore but not old enough to do much with. I had my DD during lockdown and I felt like I was drowning and dreaded waking up in the morning.,

Your problem is not being a mum. You are a great mum. Your problem is your big lump of a partner not respecting you at all and not being a parent pr a loving/caring partner.

Can you move in with family or ask for some support from them in the short term while you get sorted.

My baby’s the exact same age and I couldn’t imagine having to do this without my partner and family’s support.

You can not blame the baby or motherhood just becouse your husband is useless. Having a baby is when you find out who your husband really is! Life wasn't easier before the baby you just didn't know or you ignored it.
You need to give him an ultimatum. He either helps or he pays someone to help.
According to your post, you basically a single parent alreasy - even worst becouse you have a husband who suppose to do the parenting with you.
Something really is wrong with him, and I understand its extreamly frustrating, but this situation is not your babies fault!

It's not help, it's parenting. He's a lazy arse wipe with no interest. Your life would be easier without him.

Jesus. That man is a pathetic waste of space. You deserve better.

Get rid of him and things will actually be easier! I hate these useless men I really do, absolutely pathetic. Once he’s out of the picture it’s one less thing for you to stress about. Things get easier with the baby they really do, you will get through it, it’s hard at times but baby is still young. But definitely get rid of that man.

Did he even want kids? I will never understand why so many men turn into such utterly useless wet wipes the minute they have a baby. Are they really so thick they expect their lives to be exactly as they were pre-baby? Morons.

OP I do think your life would be infinitely easier without him. He's literally just dead weight at this point.

Oh OP I've been there. I tolerated it for 6 years and the wanker one day moaned at me because his dinner wasn't on the table when he arrived home from work. I'd a 3 and 6 year old at home all day and he just expected me to wipe his arse too.
Getting rid of that useless piece of shit was the best thing I ever did. He did NOTHING and it was such a relief to do things on my own terms with no one else to take into consideration apart from the kids.

Leave him and divorce him. You're doing it all on your own anyway and at least then you won't have to clear up after him too. You're worth more than this.

@Fedupwife28

Among many big red flags, this leaps out at me: "He won’t commit to paying childcare costs right now as he doesn’t like to be put upon/asked too many questions".

This sounds like financial abuse, possibly even coercive control (which is illegal) He's withholding information you have a right to about the family finances - and effectively preventing you from going back to work. I think you need a family lawyer, now.

The rest of it sounds appalling too. I salute your determination not to use the baby as a sort of alarm clock to stimulate him to do the right thing - if he can ignore crying for fifteen minutes, I don't see what will make him step up. I wish you lots of luck.

Get rid honestly he will not get any better. If you do separate then he has his set time with her ant you know that's your time for you. He sounds so so selfish

Felt the same, I have a 6 week old. Me and my ex lived separately anyway but we were lucky to see him once a week (even during pregnancy). I felt like I didn't want to be a mum anymore until I realised that I was already a single mum pretending to have a relationship. Split from him a week ago and it has been much less stressful. You're doing amazing and you should be proud of yourself xx

It gets like this OP when you have little to no support network. You need to go back to work even if it's part time if he won't pay half of childcare it's time to call things a day. I wouldn't make it sound optional give him a choice it's one or the other.

Can you join baby groups?