Constant sibling arguments

[Weal]

Any suggestions at managing siblings who constantly argue? It’s breaking me at the moment and making the house a war zone. I’ve finally snapped and shouted at them both after days where every minute we awake at home they are shouting at each other. So I need some ideas of how to address it with them.

oldest is 9 - quite an anxious and easily stressed child, very playful and active but needs quiet and down time to unwind. Like to be left alone and isn’t a fan of playing with sibling.

Youngest is 7- very (VERY) loud and vivacious. Constantly moving and making noise, likes to be kept very active. Very keen to be with sibling and play together.

I think part of the issue is they’re complete opposite personalities. Oldest is trying to de-stress by having alone and calm time and youngest is making noise and moving about being very active. So they bug each other. A typical scenario is youngest will bug oldest in minor ways, eg saying a silly word or smiling at him and oldest will erupt and hit out. Sometimes youngest does something innocent that is not intenting to annoy sibling (such as talk loudly near his ear) and he will react again quite explosively….and arguments ensue and continue.

We’ve tried -
getting them to their rooms to calm down. Works sometimes but not others.

Removing things like toys etc for hitting/hurting.

Constantly preempting and trying to prevent a situation where they argue by being proactive in stopping situation evolving to an argument.

However we seem to be at a crunch point at the moment where the arguments are particularly bad. Also now they’ve gone on so long they’ve worn me down and my patience in dealing with it is low and so I’m more reactive than is ideal.

any experience/suggestions/ideas welcome. At the moment all I’m left with is fucking off to a hotel for a week (that’s half joking).

Im not sure what the solution is here other than possibly more playdates for the youngest so they have the company they crave.

At the moment it sounds like the youngest smiles at the eldest ( not exactly a crime) and then you punish both by sending them to their rooms, except for the oldest this isn't actually punishment, they want to be alone. Effectively rewarding the one who hit out and punishing the one who smiled which is incredibly unfair.

Youngest is bored and looking for a reaction - any reaction. However in doing so they are being disrespectful and bordering on being a bully.

Oldest needs to learn how to regulate his temper and go with the flow a bit more.

More activities for the younger one and some education on how to respect other people’s space and privacy. I’d come down pretty hard on that actually.

Older one should be encouraged to interact with the younger child more - perhaps at set times, and then have guaranteed down time at other times.

I’d point out to both that they have different personalities and needs - both of which are valued by you - and they should make an effort to accommodate each other. Help them to do this. Look for things they do have in common and encourage those. (Find extra things to keep the younger child busy on top of that). When they are adults you will be dead and they will only have each other as family.

Sorry I maybe wasn’t clear. I don’t send them to their rooms after a smile. They are sent to their rooms after the situation escalates to the point of screaming and hitting. Simply because it is impossible to be in one place while they are both hyped up and arguing.

I understand it sounds silly to say she smiles at him, but what I mean by that is not a genuine smile but a laughing at him smile, usually after he asked to stop doing something. So a way to annoy him rather than a genuine smile, along with poking her tongue out of laughing AT him sometimes. I of course don’t punish my daughter for genuinely smiling at him.

Also my oldest doesn’t like going to his room, he prefers to be downstairs, thougj I do it less as punishment and more as getting space to let the explosive atmosphere cool.

Thank you this is a really thoughtful and helpful reply. I think my youngest wants to play with my oldest but as he’s so unresponsive it have developed into this awful pattern. The idea about talking about respecting peoples space is a good one, I have done that with her when she was younger, but not for a while. So I do need to put time in to going over that again and have some book I can use. So thanks for that suggestion.

Also the idea about set ways of older one interacting with younger one is great. He was teaching her coding the other day (an activity he loves) and they got on so well during that. Putting aside specific time for them to do that isn’t something I have thought about but I can see it could be helpful.

two really helpful practical suggestions! Exactly what I was after. Now I’ve calmed a bit from an argument this morning I feel like I can put space into work on them.

When they are adults you will be dead and they will only have each other as family.
^this is my worry. That if it keeps going they’ll grow to hate being at home and around each other. Me and my brother have all but no relationship and I hate the thought of that for them.

Yes, I think worth pointing out to the older boy that she’s doing it because she wants his attention rather than because she hates him. Remind him that one day she’ll wander off with her own friends and he may then regret not having spent some time with her when she desperately wanted it. He’ll roll his eyes and sneer at this - but it’ll make him think.
Get him to come to an agreement with her as to when/how he will do things with her. And firmly insist she respect his privacy at the other times.