7yo school refusal

[Myotherface]

Please share your wisdom mumsnetters. I'm at the end of my tether with out 7yo DS. He's a bright little button who is normally full of joy and laughter although has always experienced sadness and anger on a similarly high volumes. In the past six months he's increasingly started hating school. First it was mainly clinginess and tears on Monday mornings. Now it's got to a point where he will constantly ask how many hours until school, delay bedtime so that schooltime wouldn't come and be anxious and tearful all morning. Sometimes we carry him in kicking and screaming, other times we've tried gentle coaxing at the school gates and sometimes end up spending half an hour before getting him in. Some days I've let him come back home to play for half an hour before going back. Now that doesn't work either though and he refuses to go back even after that extra playtime.

I've asked him if he's being teased or bullied. He says no and teaches report that he is very popular with other kids. He's academically bright and was previously getting bored with the work so teachers are now giving him tougher challenges. He has had changes with teachers. They had a lovely teaching assistant they all adored who quit a year ago. They all found it upsetting. Now his teacher has been off sick for over a month and he dislikes the supply teacher saying she's bossy and shouty. The head says the supply teacher is lovely (small school so only two teachers, head and three TAs). He keeps asking me how he can find out why he hates school and fix it. The only things I can get out of him are that school days are too long, he hates the work and just wants to play and that he would prefer it if I could be at school with him.

I can't work out what the issue is and how to help him. Is it really to do with genuinely hating the work? Teachers seem to think he seems happy when he does his work. Or the length of school day? But then again we've tried shorter days for a bit and that didn't help either. Or is it separation anxiety? My eldest struggled with separation anxiety and all my three hate being away from me even for just one evening. And how to help him if it is separation anxiety? Anyone have any tips or experience?

Would homeschooling be a possibility for you?

Is he year 2 or year 3? I’m wondering if the small mixed classes are making things harder for him especially with a different teacher?

what support are school offering him? Saying he is “fine in school” is no good because obviously he isn’t fine or you wouldn’t be having the issues.

I would consider looking at other schools as it could just be a case of it not being the right school for him.

No advice I'm afraid, but the exact same as my 6yo, in the same timeframe.

I think this part of your op is interesting.

My eldest struggled with separation anxiety and all my three hate being away from me even for just one evening.

Maybe working more generally on independence is key. Is there a partner who can do the school run? He might go in easier for his dad or gran etc. I had a child in my class one year who came in with no issues on time with dad but struggled terribly to separate from mum. The parents switched things around so that dad did the drop off and mum picked up.

Homeschooling would definitely be a possibility. We both work part-time so timewise it could almost work. I find parenting really hard though. I have long term issues with severe depressive episodes and the demands and the intensity of the kids makes me struggle with my mood more. The only way I can just about resemble something functional is by going to work and having two days a week to myself to do things I enjoy. I really don't think I could cope with homeschooling as well as a demanding and stressful job.

He's in year 2 so moving into juniors to be with his brother next year. School are not really doing much. They've sometimes let him spend more time with the TA in the juniors that he likes. Apart from that they haven't done anything. The supply teacher hasn't even spoken to me once. We've loved their school so far. We moved them there before DS was even at school because my eldest got bullied in a bigger school. The other nearby school shares the same head and some of the same teachers rotate between the schools too so there aren't many options.

@Wapplesnaff I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling with a similar problem. Has your little one been able to tell you what the problem is?

@cansu The problem was first only on the mornings I took him. Now it's just as bad on the two mornings my husband takes him. He leaves for work at seven on three mornings a week though so it wouldn't be possible for him to be the only one doing the drop offs.

None of the kids have any anxiety around being away from their dad. He could go away for a week and they wouldn't care. I only need to go for a meal out with a friend and all three are begging me not to go. It's been like this since they were babies.

Are they generally anxious. Could it be that there are so many demands and rules and consequences at school? My son has sporadically refused schools and often it’s because a peak him anxiety….usually about seemingly simple things like the possibility of playtime being removed if he doesn’t do his home work.

Id he’s moving to the juniors in September is it worth focusing on that, asking the school to do lots of transition work and have a clear plan for him in September?

Does he have a friend he could walk to school with, so instead of saying goodbye to you he walks in with them?

@Myotherface very similar to yours, can't pinpoint anything in particular, varies between, wishing I was there, hating the work as it's 'boring', wanting to play more etc. teachers seem to have written it off as a phase, and ask if there is anything we can change at home - we have no issue at home other than the countdowns to the next school day and the upset surrounding that. She does have very high 'highs' and low 'lows'.
I was thinking if I could reduce my hours at work, looking at part time homeschooling, though.

I personally think it's unrealistic to expect all children to "fit" into the school system, Why do we expect one size to fit all? It's so narrow minded. Just because the majority of kids appear to manage school , that shouldn't reflect badly on the ones that can't
tolerate it. It's not a sign that something is wrong with your child because the school environment isn't right for them.
In my opinion home education is a lot less limiting and controlled than the schools way of learning. The world has moved on, but the education system hasn't.

My ds was like this for the whole of year 2 - he cried every single day and there were days when I was actually amazed I'd got him there! We tried all sorts with limited success - the best was dropping him to his class ten minutes early where the teacher had a job lined up for him. They reported that as soon as he was in and settled he was fine - sociable, popular, academically able but he just said he didn't like school and wanted to be at home. Fast forward a year - he's now coming to the end of year 3 and he's like a different child. There are still bad days when he's particularly tired or his normal teacher is off (part of his drop off routine is sneaking a glance into the classroom to check that she's there) but I feel in part the class dynamic suits him better this year but also just that it's come with maturity. He always struggled with separation anxiety and still does at other activities but he's definitely getting better. He has to have a consistent routine, be well fed, well rested and do exercise but also needs to feel he's in control - for example he hates it if we're in a rush so even if we are I try not to show it. Hope that helps a little - obviously every child is different but hang on in there! You have my sympathy as I know how tough it is

He is a very anxious child. Before the school issue he had horrendous anxiety about illnesses and dying. He was asking every five minutes if he was going to die and if something touched him anywhere near his neck he became hysterical screaming he had been strangled.. mealtimes made him panic about choking etc. Now it's massive fear of vomiting and the school fear. I've worked in camhs and never really saw young kids with mental health difficulties where the core issue wasn't at home. Suspecting it's likely the problem here too but not sure which part of it and how to fix the problems I can identify.

My depression has obviously been hard for the children. I've had two month long admissions too in the past three years. My husband can be very (unfairly) strict and shouty and says no to everything. I'm very understanding and loving but also too soft and say yes even when I should say no. We both play with the kids lots and show them lots of affection. I'm unhappy in our marriage but unable to leave. Don't know how much kids can sense it. Perhaps they sense my unhappiness and worry it's because of them..

@Wapplesnaff Sounds identical! You're a lot more selfless than me though. There's no way I could even part homeschool. Also no way DH would allow me even if I suggested I'd do it. He thinks it would be so much worse for him than school.

I think you need to have a sit down conversation with the head and senco without your child present.

You should explain how he feels about school, how long it's been going on for and that it's increasing in frequency and intensity. Give examples of the crying, reluctance etc, remind them that while he may look "fine" at school he clearly is not and that he also doesn't feel secure enough at school to let his true feelings show.

If you have any ideas of what support they can offer then ask for it. It might be he needs the same member of staff to greet him every morning and spend 5-10mins helping him settle into the day and the same at break and lunch. School might have some ideas of strategies they could try. If not they can find training on "soft landings" (some on a site called "creative education") which they can implement to see if it makes a difference.

@DancedByTheLightOfTheMoon I totally agree with you. I went to school in a very different system and have been thinking about how there were no issues as we started school so much older and days were shorter for many years. The system here is mad. The fact that my 7yo has been doing "work" for three years now makes me so sad. I wish I had the resilience to homeschool my eldest and youngest. I just know my mental health would suffer too much and leave me a worse mum for them than I am at the moment.

@Twintrouble1234 thanks so much for sharing. Your experience is hugely reassuring and comforting. The only thing I worry about is that the teacher in juniors is very strict and not very warm. His usual teacher is lovely and nurturing although I suspect she might not be returning from her sick leave. But you never know. Perhaps the maturing and the different class could help.

@User0ne thank you for these tips. I'll try them and look up soft landings too. I've promised DS that I'll speak to the head when she's back to school from a school trip later this week. I'm also going to ask her if they can get external people in if they haven't got the tools to support him. I think you're right in that he doesn't feel comfortable showing his true feelings at school. He's one of the best behaved children there as he's terrified of being told off

I wonder if your admissions played a part in the separation anxiety and fear of illness. You seem to be doing wonderfully despite your challenges however, and it’s great I think that you’re considering your limits, to protect your family.
Is the fact dad is strict also maybe an additional close factor to you ? He must have struggled during your admissions with them, so say even if he had extra family help, at such a young age, they may have associated that with ‘daddy can’t do it alone, only mummy is reliable’. Unfortunately they would likely have had less notion of the fact that you were there to get better, they must have been worried.

Have you tried counseling, or more age appropriate probably, play therapy, for them to process these experiences ?

You mention all have separation anxiety, how do the other two manage school ? Could his older brother walk him to class maybe ? Or share his experience about the positives of junior school ?

An unhappy marriage probably isn’t helping you, I’m sorry you’re in this situation, have you had thoughts about leaving or is it not on the cards ?

Hi OP, I know this was a year ago but having the exact same problem with my son. Did things improve after time?

Armchair psychologist here but my guess is that your ds is anxious about leaving you in case you aren't there when he gets home from school.

I wonder if this is why his days feel long and, when there's work to do, his mind wanders to you. Whereas when he is playing, he feels distracted so time passes faster.

I wonder if something as simple as a little locket with your photo in or a 'magic pebble' - something small that he can carry secreted away in a pocket could help. If you each have one, you could tell him that you will press your locket/pebble each time you think of him - and he can do the same with his.

And then, when he gets home you will see who pressed more! That will at least let you know how often his thought turn to you!

But you could say the pebble is magic, keeps everyone safe. Whatever you want. Just be super sure to let the teacher know it is not to be confiscated and he is not to be in trouble for having his hand in his pocket.

You might think of something better - a keyring on his bag, a wristband. Anything.

And - get him a watch so he knows when home time is. I would also let him know what time you do, say 4 things in your day.

So - at 11 oclock i will be having a coffee.

At 2pm i will load the dishwasher. Keep the same 4 things and times so when he is at school, he can look at his watch and know what you are doing.

You dont need to be doing it of course! But it might help him feel secure to picture you safe at home. And you have your magic pebble to keep you safe so he doesn't have to.

Doh!!! Should've checked op date! Old thread!

We had this when the dynamics at school became harsh. We are quite a calm warm steady household and he became particularly sensitive to the dynamics around him in school. He has had some wonderful kind teachers, then a couple of odd teachers, with one certainly unhinged, almost aggressive and on a knife edge. He started to have anxiety the night before school and morning of school, it broke my heart. School head and class teacher were less then reflective, trying to tell me it’s a home issue and he’s perfectly fine once in school. We didn’t get any help, only blame. DH found it much harder to get him into school and the school.

We decided to home educate and haven’t looked back. He quickly returned to his old upbeat, humorous self. He has great week with one day on a farm with other home edders, a forest school day, a cooking afternoon with friends. He also does online learning through absolutemaths, English through the £2 tuition hub. He recently started an iGCSE in environmental management online despite his young age. We do a lot of reading, walks and museum visits. His interests are animals, nature and history. Once he’s 14 there are a couple of different routes he can take. He is more resilient now.