Un Announced visits

[Newdad865]

I just wondered whats everyone's thoughts on this?

We live close to my partners family so get freqeuent visits from MIL etc unannounced. They're really close which is lovely but also it's not how I am. If I've just got back from work or had a rough day it's nice to just unwind with my partner and kids but often we could be bathing the little 1 or making dinner and id say at least twice a week the doorbell goes and in walks the MIL. I probably sound really antisocial but I do like my own space. I've spoken to my partner and she doesn't mind the un planned visits so I feel like a bit of a D asking her to just give us notice.

I couldn’t cope with this. We very rarely have visitors as it makes me so uncomfortable to have people that don’t live with us in our home. If someone turns up unplanned that causes even more anxiety 😩 We visit them instead as then I can go home to my safe space. It’s definitely seen as weird but you have to protect your own mental health/emotional wellbeing.

Your partner may not mind because it is their Mother, however you do mind so your partner should be putting a stop to it because surely your feelings about your home matter.

I was very close to my Mum, she had a key to my house but she would never turn up unannounced. It was always an agreed in advance.

It is not a dick move to ask someone to prearrange stuff. Explain to your partner exactly what you have said here, that sometimes you just want to be in your own home, with your family, without anyone else being there. Ask her how she would feel if it were your mates turning up, rather than her Mother.

I'm also pretty anti-social, but I'm also from a family culture that just walks into my parents' home with zero warning or even a doorbell.

Basically, I don't think anyone is being unreasonable here. But your and your partner's versions of "normal" are different. I would suggest discussing with your partner what "normal" you would both like to pursue, and she can relay this to MIL.

Unannounced visits are never acceptable. From anyone. It is not the visitor's house, so they have no right to be there unless invited. Start locking the door, OP, and make sure your in laws do NOT get a key.

Does your mother turn up unannounced? Just asking because my sons MIL does this but I have to ask permission to come over , but it’s ‘different’ apparently! No idea how but when I pointed it out I’m the one in the wrong and how dare I question it.

Big fat no.
move told my overbearing, no respect for boundaries, narcissistic inlaws that they have to ask to come over. Plan ahead.

no one is disturbing my peace in my haven I’m afraid. It’s out of order.

I know reading what I have wrote may seem harsh but they make my life hard enough I don’t need them turning up

It is different but you should both have to ask.
a daughter and mother relationship is v diff to a daughter and mil. No matter what

This. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

But what about the mother-son relationship? The son lives there too? Why should the daughter dictate?

Sorry not the point of the thread.

Well in my situation they don’t treat me v well whereas my parents treat DH very well.

my DH is v comfortable with my parents but I am not around his.

you just need space sometimes

My mother comes very often unannounced and walks in .. which I find very overwhelming at times.. she constantly asks when I'm off work.. I find myself lying so can have a bit of peace it's not even for a quick cuppa either Its hours