AIBU to want to delay death convo?

[Smafa]

Ok. DS is 2, 3 in Dec. Has just begun pointing out things & naming things, forming 3 word sentences etc.& aside from a couple of other developmental issues, is the most smiley, joyful, sweetest, happiest little boy you could ever meet. I know this because everybody tells me!

Hubby wants to take DS to visit his mother's gravestone. I said I'd prefer to delay the "death talk", & was worried about him losing his joy but asked him what our answer should be when we get the awkward/sensitive questions we may get. He just said he didn't see the problem; i.e DS will just look at a massive expanse of headstones & won't ask anything...?!

My family were allergic to truth, & I swore if I were lucky enough to have children I'd never lie to them. (Except maybe about Santa, haven't decided yet..)

So AIBU to worry about what we say & how it might affect our lovely happy boy?

Knowing about death will not spoil your baby. Mine were all at losing family members, talking about terminal illnesses, going to funerals and seeing me sad before that age. It’s nice it gets to be an optional extra but you really should respect your husbands wishes to introduce his child to his Mum.

this is your granny’s grave. She died so we can’t see her anymore. But we can come here to say hello or remember. That’s her name on the stone. Yes we will all die one day. Like we are all born. Hopefully when we are very old. She died of x. She was x years old. You can see the numbers here that says when she died. It was before you were born. She would have loved you very much. She would have taken you for ice cream. Let’s go and get some and say thank you Granny shall we?

Why does your husband want to take him to visit his mother's grave?

I dont think that being aware of death takes the joy out of life. My DD learned about death at 2.5 yo by seeing a dead bird/learning about QE 2nd dying, at that age they just sort of accept it as fact, imo it's worse for there to be a big reveal when they're older than it just be general background knowledge. At 3.5 she is aware that her GPs etc will die and she is still her "spirited" self 😬

Plus surely you will be at a church hall sometime and DC will ask about the graveyard?

My dad used to take me to visit his mum's grave from when I was younger than I can remember.

It didn't change me in anyway at all. To me, it was just 'Nanny X' in a field full of other pretty headstones and flowers.

It's amazing how kids take things in their stride and imo, the sooner they get used to these things the easier it can be.

I'm of the sooner you talk about it, the more normal and easier it is in the long run.

You really don't want this conversation caught on the hop when you're late on the school run, or introduced when it's something immediate and troubling like a family pet.

I don’t agree that toddlers are not distressed by death. My DD was twenty seven months old when DH died suddenly, and she was severely distressed and behaviourally disturbed for six months afterwards, later developing suicidal depression as a teenager.
Why is your DH so keen to take your toddler to a grave? What benefit does he think this will be to the child?

When my ds was the same age as yours, we found out my dad's cancer was back. He died 2 weeks after ds turned 3. 5 years later, ds is still a happy, bright boy who wants to be an oncologist.

He visited my dad in hospital, he attended the funeral and we talked to him about death both before and after his adored granddad died.

Dc2 who was born 3 months after my dad died loves a gothic graveyard and would have liked to met her granddad. She is still a happy little girl.

When you do have the conversation, don't use euphemisms. She's dead, not sleeping or lost.

I understand your DH wanting to take him to see his grandmother. It's important that children know their history.

I think your weird about it spiking his joy.

He will just learn about his grandmother it won't traumatise him. A cemetery is basically a boring park with a story about his grandmother. Kids are very dismissive of things like death as they don't understand it

This is your child's grandmother and your husbands much loved Mum - it's not about what you want. This can be done in a really gentle, age appropriate way, about how granny is caring for him and loves him from where she is, or however HE wants to do it.

I'm sorry for your loss but this is absolutely in no way comparable to taking a toddler to a graveyard.

We have 3 under 3 and they've all been to many graveyards and hasn't affected them one bit. Unfortunately death is part of life wether he see an animal or gravestone. It does not affect them in the slightest unless you make it a huge thing for nothing. Sadly my hubby's mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was pregnant with our first nearly 3 year old and she died 2 weeks after he was born. Our twins who followed after now 1 and half they've all been to see where grandma is sleeping. Tbh they think it's just a walk out but I know it means so much to my hubby when he goes to see his mums grave and the little ones go also. Hasn't bothered them in the least and I prefer they know from little than it become a sudden shock when they get older.

A 2.5 year old won't lose their joy by being shown a gravestone! Does he not know he has a dead grandma? Does he have other living/dead grandparents?

He won't fully understand at this point anyway. Probably until kids are 7 or 8 years old, the concept of "death" versus just "not being here anymore" are hard to distinguish between.

The sooner you get comfortable with talking about death in an age-appropriate way, the better. It doesn't upset young children and you can use it to talk about health, animals, nature, history etc.

They're quite matter of fact about it, you explain we're all born as tiny babies, and at some point we die which means our hearts stop beating and we're not there in our bodies any more, something has to happen with our bodies so we bury them in a special place or turn them into ashes and scatter/bury them/keep them on the mantelpiece etc. And that people have different ideas about what happens after, some people think you go to a nice place and some people think you're just not there any more.

Being in a graveyard definitely doesn't bother children and you can teach them appropriate behaviour, not climbing on graves or taking statues etc. There's a park-like cemetery near our house and we hang out there a lot, some kids even have birthday parties there!

I'd have some photos of DH's mother to show DC, then explain she's not around because she died, you're going to the special place where you can remember her, daddy's sad but has lots of nice memories etc. It's only weird if you make it so!

This is so lovely.

I think at age 3, it's perfectly fine. I'm in the camp of sooner rather than later.
The more normal it is for LO to visit a specific grave the less negative impact it will have on their life.

We're taking my DD to visit my dad's grave in August. She'll be 14 months, so not exactly able to understand it, but still. It would've been his 70th bday and as it's far from where we live, and we don't have much of a choice but to take her, I figured it would be as good a time as any to introduce her to her granddad.

My sis was great about this with her eldest, now 6, who understands exactly who his granddad was, where he is now, and why. I think her son was around 2.5 when they first visited.

I totally agree with allowing death to be a part of life, even for small children. But personally I wouldn't want a grave to be the route through which the topic is introduced to a 2 / 3 year old.
I accept that I'm biased because I don't visit anyone's grave. The person's value to me is in the way they lived their life and is honoured by my memories. The locations of physical remains are not meaningful to me.
Sharing photos and stories about his grandmother would be my route. Through the stories, he can be told that she isn't here anymore, that she died. At some point your DS will probably ask where she is or what happened to her body.
Has your DH explained why visiting the actual grave is important to him right now?

Gosh, I didn't expect so many replies! Thanks to you all for your insights.

I perhaps should've mentioned the lady in question passed about 20 years ago, I never met her & my primary concern was that hubby & I were on the same page when it came to helping our boy understand these huge issues.

The general consensus seems to be that he'll be fine...& I think he will, particularly if we follow the advice of @InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits (excellent name btw)

Thanks, all. Much appreciated

@Smafa

My DS is the same age as yours and visits a close family members grave with me. We chat about it in a really similar way to what @InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits describes 😊 Occasionally DS will ask “bigger” questions and we deal with those honestly but his questions in the cemetery are usually more things about pictures on headstones, different flowers that he sees, and numerous questions over his concern about who cuts the grass and the type of lawnmower they use if I’m honest 😅🤣

We have some pictures of our family members in the house and so he can associate a face with the person. And he understands that they are no longer here but we visit the grave to remember them

That's awful and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Losing a father is not comparable to visiting a grave though. It's incomparable in terms of how awful that must have been.