Angry baby exhausted Mum

[Ellebel]

I have a 9 month old son and from the beginning he’s been hard work. I know all babies are hard work but he has just felt different. First he refused to breastfeed, he’s never been much of an eater in general- weaning has also been very hit and miss. But he has just been angry. He has never just lay on the floor, or sat happily, or let me give him a single cuddle. Mums complain of co sleeping and I am jealous, my son pushes me away whenever I try and give him a kiss, let alone lie next to him in bed. 20% of the time he is life and soul of the party, the biggest smiles and the loudest laugh, which is reassuring, but the other 80% he is just angry. Nothing entertains him, the endless toys books, teething toys, snacks. He hates being in the pram. He hates being in the car. The hysterical screams and cries are a whole different level to the other babies in my group. Who all just kind of lay about or sit happily on the boob. The looks I get when I’m out with him and he is having a hysterical toddler- esque tantrum. At 6 months he was crawling and we saw a bit of an improvement in his mood and thought a corner had been turned but it didn’t last long. Now he’s fed up again. From the moment he wakes (crying- he has never once woken from night sleep or naps not screaming) to the moment he goes to bed I have to hold him and give him 100% of my attention just to get by. I love him but I am struggling. We are on a good schedule, two naps a day, follow wake windows so I don’t think it’s overtiredness- I feel like I am trying so hard to make my boy happy but nothing works. Me and his father are both quite happy relaxed people and I am anxious that I have created a deeply angry unhappy little person and I have no idea if there’s anyway of fixing it. I guess I am wondering if anyone else had a baby like this who grew into a happier child and can offer any advice, or encouragement. I keep wondering if there is any light at the end of the tunnel.

Does he like cuddles and kisses from anyone else, or is it just you ?

Have you taken him to the Doctor for tests to check that he isn't in serious pain?
Is he teething?
If you rule all that out then his behaviour can be linked to Autism potentially, I'm not an expert in this.
I'm really sorry you are going through this, please don't blame yourself, you must be exhausted and worn out with it all. I'd definitely seek some expert advice speak to your Doctor your Health Visitor anyone you can.

I recognise so, so much of this from when my now 3 yo was a baby. ‘Difficult’ from birth but not in a reflux or allergy sense. Wanted to be held +/- entertained 24/7 but hated anything approaching affection or an embrace. Slept dreadfully until we put him in a cot as opposed to our bed and it became clear he needed his own space. Never, ever sat happily and watched the world go by/entertained himself with toys. He was at his happiest being carried around outside, facing away from me at arms length so he could see everything. Also hated the pram/sling/car seat. Also very sociable at baby groups but whinged and moaned none stop at home. Self weaned from breastfeeding at around a year but had lost interest long before that. Woke up from every sleep grumpy and/or crying. On the surface he seemed like a velcro baby as he wanted to be held all the time, but it was in order to get more stimulation and see more, not because he found comfort being held.

All I can say is it got infinitely better with the big milestones. He’s still quite hard work, not at all ‘chill’ and requires a lot of mental and physical stimulation to be happy. He’s still not affectionate and never wants cuddles. But he’s actually really sunny in nature and we have very little issue with his behaviour, as long as his needs are met. The change happened from walking, then when his speech exploded (very early, thank goodness) he became so much happier.

I don’t think he is ND at the moment, just fiercely independent, quite highly strung and his cognitive development outstripped his physical development as a baby. As soon as he could get his own stimulation and control the world around him more he was happier. He ‘hated being a baby’ if you will. There is hope!

@DustyLee123 no not at all. He likes being held by anyone but absolutely refuses all cuddles he pushes away. Actually unless it’s our dog. He loves the dog!
@Wavescrashingonthebeach i think sometimes it’s pain- teeth are coming through. At the beginning we thought reflux but that was ruled out, we’ve taken him to a chiropractor, osteopath, no problems found. I look up the symptoms of autism and I’m just not sure- as like I said occasionally he’s great fun. He was the first to smile in my baby group, first to laugh. He knows his name, he’s engaged sometimes when we look at books and laughs away. It’s just so so rarely. Most of the time it’s like he’s so frustrated he’s on the verge of exploding!

@VivaVivaa thank you so much. That is really encouraging. You have literally described my son. Absolutely everything you said is exactly him. I do get the feeling sometimes he just isn’t made for the mute baby life and when he is more able to express himself he will come into his own. I really hope so anyway!!!

Are you going back to work soon? My baby is highly strung and frustrated at home but really enjoys nursery as there is so much going on there. It also gives me a much needed break !

My little boy was tricky aswell, screamed for hours and hours on end when he was born for some months before it settled down a bit. Like I
know babies cry but this didn’t stop and it just tore me down. Didn’t like cuddles and the tantrums well, horrific I had never seen anything like it. Rarely woke from naps happy mainly screaming. However as he grew bigger and started walking, being able to communicate it all got loads better. He is now 3 and it’s all different, all that has passed. Hang in there you’re doing a great job xx

This this and this some more. DD (13 months) is the same. Ignore all the bollocks about autism, it's impossible to tell at the moment. They may or may not be autistic, but it isn't something to worry about now.

What an unhelpful comment.
Like you say, you are not an expert in this. So don't go around telling people their kids have autism 🙄

Unfortunately for you OP he just sounds like one of those babies that doesn't like being a baby! I have one too. Hates being contained in anything...car, pram, high chair even if he's not eating. Needs constant entertaining. We go to groups every day cause he is always whinging at home. He is a year now and is much better than he was though. I'm hoping he'll be better still when he learns to walk and then talk.

You're doing amazing. Hang on in there 💪

@TunaJacket

What an unhelpful comment.
Like you say, you are not an expert in this. So don't go around telling people their kids have autism 🙄
Where did I say her kid has autism?!?! I said some of this behaviour can be linked to autism. Lots of things can be linked to autism. Hand flapping, toe walking etc. In isolation they don't always mean autism there are some early markers just to keep an eye out for and correlations in patterns. Like I said, I said to an expert. I was only trying to help but I won't bother in future. Fucking hate this website you can't even try and be nice without someone jumping down your throat.

To see an expert even

Sorry just seen your reply op. Teething is an absolute nightmare I went through hell on earth with it. Hope it all gets better soon.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I think I do just have ‘one of those babies’ and those that have had one get it and those that haven’t don’t! But sounds like there is hope!! He starts nursery in Sept and I think he’s going to love it, all the other mums feeling emotional about separating with their babies and going back to work and I’m like, is it September yet! I do love him but I just need a break. Thanks again all- some really helpful encouraging info on these replies

You've described my baby almost to a T! The only difference being she wants to co-sleep but equally she doesn't want to co-sleep so I get the issue with wanting high levels of interaction but not actually wanting the affection. It feels complicated to explain. My DD is also 9 months old and a confident crawler. She got better briefly when the crawling started but now she's fixed on walking and back to being frustrated and unhappy. It's exhausting and I feel like I spend a lot of time complaining about my baby. I love her to pieces but I just feel so drained. I also think she will self ween from breastfeeding as soon as possible, not that she even enjoys her solid food.
I get frustrated when I see friends babies just sitting there chilling or dozing off in the car seat and my baby is screaming and unhappy unless something is happening to keep her entertained. We took her to London a few weeks ago and she didn't cry the entire day. So I think she just has a high need for information and stimulation- I'm very much the opposite!!
It's relentless and I totally get it xxx

@kitty1993 i feel your pain! I keep telling myself our time will come when we all have difficult toddlers and we’re very practised in endlessly entertaining unhappy babies. The other mothers won’t know what’s hit them!

Every thing you and @VivaVivaa have described is my 15 month old EXACTLY.
I went back to work at 6 months because he was such hard work. My job is actually a break! He’s got happier with each milestone and did everything pretty earlier, I think out of sheer determination but he is still very demanding. He never ever keeps still and needs constant attention and entertainment. People used to tell me their baby would be entertained watching them do chores or the washing machine going round. Not mine. I even have to wake up extra early to batch cook food for him because otherwise he won’t let me be in the kitchen cooking. I need to take him to the dentist next week and said to my friend I don’t know how he’ll sit through my appointment first and she said just leave him in the car seat 😂😂😂… no that won’t work.
some people don’t have chill babies and those that do never understand.
The nursery say he is a lovely, very sociable and happy boy but patience is not one of his virtues. I have strangers tell me often how alert he is and when he was a newborn one person said he’s the loudest baby they’d ever heard.
I have no real advice except you’re not alone and you’re child is fine just a little (a lot) intense haha.

I had one like this, now a wonderful confident young woman - like PPs she got better when walking , and infinitely better when her younger sibling arrived. I think she was just bored!

@Pizzaandsushi I’ve also had the ‘oh such an alert baby’ from day one and I think- is that code for incredibly loud and intense 😂. I know exactly what you mean- a friend of mine took her baby same age as mine with her to get her nails and eyebrows done?! Can you imagine. He just sat there and watched. I can barely go to the loo for a second without full hell breaking loose! Sounds like, eventually, it’ll all get easier 🤞🏻

@Ellebel oh definitely code for loud and intense haha. I remember my partner had to change him on a packed train when he was 4 months old and he weed everywhere so needed fully changing so my baby was full on screaming with utter fury that most of the train were looking at me with horror and one lady asked if everything was ok whilst this screaming was coming from the toilets and I just said oh yeah he’ll be fine that’s his normal volume and will be furious he’s having to be changed.
I genuinely cannot even imagine what it is like to have a baby sit there and watch you do stuff, let alone get nails done! Oh I’d love to say I’m not jealous but I am.
one of the ladies who works at my baby’s nursery said to me that my baby reminds her of her second and if she’d had him first there wouldn’t have been another one haha. Then her husband came to pick her up whilst I was wrestling my baby into the pram and after he saw all this, he said my child reminded him of their youngest at that age and repeated how much of a shock he was in comparison to their first. On the plus side, he is now 15 and I have met him and he is now a very chilled out and polite child. Still wakes up at the crack of dawn (like mine) unfortunately but there’s hope for us!! They do mellow out in the end. Take all your soul and sanity in the meantime though.