Bedtime routines with more than 1

[Toddler101]

Talk me through your bedtime routines with a 3yo and 3m old before I boil my head.

@Hopingforbetterluck

Your bed time sounds fine, although I know how stressful it can feel when they’re both crying. I leave the baby to cry more than I would have with my first while I’m seeing to DS because that’s just the nature of things with more than one child and you can’t split yourself in two or be in two places at once.

It's that inner ache that their cries gives me, goes right through me. And the mum guilt that one of them probably has to cry.

My other tip (from 16 years ago) is to start the whole thing earlier than you think you have to. My DS's bedtime was more like 7:30-8pm but I sometimes had them both in the bath by 5:45, before everyone got too tired. Also lay out the night clothes in the morning when baby is sleeping and toddler may be less fractious. So our routine with a 2.5 year old and a 2-3 month old was:
6:30 everybody awake
6:45 Coffee for adults, juice for toddler breast feed baby in bed.
7 am Husband through shower and dress
7:15 Husband dresses toddler and takes both down stairs, while I shower and dress
7:30 Breakfast for everyone, baby in bouncer
8:00 teeth
8:15 Husband leaves, DS plays while I clear up breakfast.
8:30-9 Baby down for nap, I prep dinner (eg peel spuds etc) , make lunchtime bottle, pack bag, maybe have second coffee,lay out night clothes, towels etc. DS watches "Thomas"
9-9:15 wake baby or baby wakes, quick breast feed. Nappy change for both children
9:30 Leave house
9:30- 12 Morning activity
12pm Home or lunch out, breast feed baby or bottle if out
12:30-2ish Change everybody's nappy. Baby sleep. Special time with Ds craft, cooking, playing with small toys, jigsaws etc. If out try to be on train/ bus or similar, read books together/skicker book etc.
2ish wake baby or baby wakes. Breastfeed or bottle, snack for toddler,coffee for Mum
2:30-3pm smaller, shorter outing eg: local shops, or if out museum/ padding pool
4:30 Home wake baby if not awake. Table top activity for toddler (play dough, colouring) while I prepare dinner.
5pm dinner sit at table and breastfeed baby
5:30 TV for toddler, clear away dinner
6pm upstairs and in bath
6:15pm baby out dried and dressed on bathroom floor. Breastfeed while toddler finishes bath.
6:30 Baby into moses basket.
Toddler out of bath, dried and dressed for bed
6:45 If baby sleeping then toddler stories, if not then all downstairs for more TV and breastfeeding, hopefully one or both fall asleep/ DH comes home.

That way toddler gets one on one time everyday and hopefully doesn't feel usurped and kick off at bedtime.

Some of the replies are from people with much bigger age gaps so very different. I have two under two and am breastfeeding in tandem.

What I do when alone is: avoid a bath if possible as the time taken getting both dressed needs to be spent feeding new baby (cluster feeding so have very short windows of tolerance for not being latched 7-10pm). I sit on single bed next to cot in toddler's room and feed them both in turns if toddler is getting worked up until baby conks out. Then put baby in bouncy chair on floor, so I can rock with my feet if needed. Whilst baby is feeding sing songs with toddler or read books together with the lights low and white noise on. When baby has conked out turn out the lights and turn up the white noise so that if I'm unlucky and baby starts fussing there's a hope toddler will drift off. Feed toddler to sleep then transfer to cot and make a sharp exit with the baby! Divide and conquer is much easier but am often alone.

@Flittingaboutagain

Double bath time works ok, I feed before bath and after bath while toddler is having a play in the bath still, but it is, the actual putting toddler to bed that was the meltdown point. Toddler here only feeds at bedtime for 5ish mins usually, does that count as tandem feeding? I don't think it helps as toddler wants me to themself at bedtime so I am slowly winding down and shortening feeds with weaning in mind within the next couple of months.

I'll try white noise once baby is asleep tof try and give me enough time to get the toddler down. Thanks

@Goldencup I will start earlier, I did that last night actually and it definitely helped. I tried with dinner earlier too and that also helped I think. Thank you for the breakdown of your day. I do play/bake/craft with toddler when baby is asleep, but it's not special 1:1 time because baby is in the sling.

6:45 If baby sleeping then toddler stories, if not then all downstairs for more TV and breastfeeding, hopefully one or both fall asleep/ DH comes home.

This is the bit that I am struggling with the 'hopefully they fall asleep' bit. And if they don't? We don't watch TV after dinner or before bed here, personal choice, my toddler is way too stimulated by it!

I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. My approach has always been to prioritise whoever can be dealt with quickest in that moment. Sometimes that means the younger one has to scream for a bit, sometimes it means I need to have a conversation with the 3 year old about taking turns.

Some nights are really difficult. I tend to avoid baths when DH is working nights unless they are actually dirty. Sometimes the baby screams though the older one's story.

They're both fine. When DH is around we make sure that we take it in turns to give each 1:1 attention.

Ok so:

Start earlier

Avoid double bath if possible (not possible if DP is away for say a month... though)
Prioritise the toddler first
White noise to try and keep baby settled
Accept there will be some tears

Thank you everyone 🙏

Yes that's tandem feeding ie feeding multiple infants. Personally if it's only five minutes I'd be cautious about weaning (unless your toddler is doing it themselves) as your toddler is already going through loss and adjustment and this is something special you've had before. You could follow the "don't offer, but don't refuse" advice from lactation consultants when wanting to gently wean.

Have you tried a Tonie box?? It’s the only thing that saved my sanity because toddler would have a goodnight fuss then lay in bed listening whilst I put others down, 9 times out of 10 she’d fallen asleep when I came back

Divide and conquer! DH does one, I do the other.

We eat at 5ish (hopefully) most nights, then bath as soon as 3 year old is finished (all this whilst I'm breastfeeding if partner isn't here to help). Before 3 year old gets into bath I quickly wash baby first then sort and feed her whilst DS plays in bath. When DS is done it's usually about 6.15, so then teeth and pjs one handed whilst feeding then do curtains and pick books whilst baby cries normally. I read the advice on here about allowing baby to cry over older children so that's what I go with at bedtime. Then feeding baby again whilst reading stories and saying night go DS. Sometimes we miss stories if things have run on too late, sometimes we miss bath time for baby/both if they're both being particularly grumpy/tired and needing all the attention at the same time. Once we're upstairs for bath time we don't come down again until DS is asleep, then I spend the rest of the evening feeding DD until 10ish when she settles. She's 3 months, hence all the feeds!

Well I suppose I knew DH would be home by 7:15 latest so it eas time limited. IME baby would usually go off eventually if had been awake since 4:30 had bath and clean nappy. I was lucky that mine never did the cluster feeding thing in the evening beyond about 4 weeks. Partly them, partly me as I liked them in a routine for when DH went back to work. I would leave a baby to cry in their moses basket whilst I got toddler out of the bath and ready for bed. But if hadn't then settled I would bring everyone downstairs again to give baby more breast. I felt the toddler deserved undivided attention at bedtime so would string it out till I could provide that.

Mine have an almost 4 year gap. DH is almost always around to take one of them, except on 3 occasions in the past year. Those times I deal with DC2 first, while DC1 amuses herself (often with TV, but I wouldn't do that if it were a regular thing). Then feed DC2 to sleep, and put her to sleep in the sling while I sort out DC1 (teeth, bath, stories and songs and bed). Actually it's quite a few months since I've had to deal with both, so these days DC2 could probably be put down to sleep in her cot with white noise while I bathe and put DC1 to bed.

But it's much better when DH is around to help, because DC1 only goes to bed slightly later than DC2 - on those days when I've had both, DC1 ends up going to bed later than she really needs to, because I've had to deal with the baby first. I've never bathed both at the same time as DC2 wees in the water (and on a couple of occasions pooed), so I don't think it's nice for DC1.

And by yourself, what then?

Wow this all sounds really hard and stressful, hats off to you.
I just have one and rarely toy with an idea of a second but reading this don't think I could do it.

I'm a single parent with toddler twins and an older child - gap of 4 years

In my house someone has to cry - I've got one pair of hands and 3 children so don't feel guilty (or try not to) if one is left crying for a period of time - it won't do them any harm

I deal with the one that's likely to settle the quickest first that way at least one child is sorted and I can spend more time on the difficult one(s) - if they are all in my bed so be it.

This is also exactly what I did with a two year old and a three month old. Now baby's a bit bigger they both get stories together, then DD1 goes to bed and DD2 gets her bedtime feed after that.

You can't always do it without screaming. Or at least, I can't. There are always super-parents on these threads whose children never, ever scream.

In that situation, I would say to the toddler, "Oh, Baby's done a poo." (My toddler has the standard toddler interest in anyone or anything doing a poo!) "I'll just give her a nice clean nappy and then we'll do X." (Where X is the next bit of the bedtime routine.) "Do you want to come and help?"

If the toddler calms down, then they can come and pass you nappies and wipes or whatever. If they don't, then I'd just say, "Sorry, but Baby does need to have a nice clean nappy, I'll be with you in a minute." I'd then change baby as quickly as possible, and continue with bedtime routine, probably holding baby (or maybe even with baby in a sling) as I don't want them kicking off again!