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Original poster

MIL am I over reacting

28 replies

Newdad865 · 05/06/2023 19:54

First off I love my mil but we have an ongoing thing where they still want to visit even after looking after their other grandkids that have been poorly. Recently 2 of my partners brothers kids had covid, the MIL visited them then wanted to visit us, we said quite plainly 'no visits to us if you've been with the others that have been poorly just incase' and its caused this rift where the MIL has got really offended and is seemingly taking it like we're being ridiculous and that we're punishing them in some way for not allowing the visit.

She keeps saying she isn't poorly herself and you could catch something anywhere, which is true but still if you've been visiting people who are poorly we don't really want it here.

This has now happened 2 or 3 times and it got to the point where I contacted them myself saying basically enough is enough it's our decision and that's final. I am happy to be told I'm over reacting but has anyone else experienced this?

I get that kids get sick and they could catch something anywhere but still. It seems to be causing unnecessary stress.

OP posts:
Summerishereagain · 05/06/2023 20:04

Do you have this policy for all illnesses eg just cold? How old are your children? Does someone us your household have an underlying health issue?

Original poster
Newdad865 · 05/06/2023 20:06

Summerishereagain · 05/06/2023 20:04

Do you have this policy for all illnesses eg just cold? How old are your children? Does someone us your household have an underlying health issue?

For most yeah if someone's ill we don't want it here

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 05/06/2023 20:06

How old are your kids? Are they in nursery or school?

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Gabbies · 05/06/2023 20:09

I’m with you on this one, been visiting someone with a sickness bug, covid, flu etc I don’t really want you near my kids for minimum 2-3 days to make sure it can’t be passed on.

Original poster
Newdad865 · 05/06/2023 20:10

My lads 11 month old

OP posts:
DemonicCaveMaggot · 05/06/2023 20:10

I would have thought it was common sense and good manners not to visit sick people and then immediately visit someone else. If your children are little I totally get it, it is hard looking after babies/toddlers without them projectile vomiting or pooping everywhere because granny decided to visit her friend with norovirus and come on to yours straight afterwards.

Supertayto · 05/06/2023 20:16

I think this is perfectly reasonable, but (full disclaimer) I developed post natal OCD after my DD was born so I may not be the best judge. It’s definitely good manners to avoid visits/ask the parents opinion with seeing very young children after being around those with a stomach bug or Covid, if not other illnesses too - I think…

If it helps, I once asked my mum to not come over when most of her office went down with norovirus and she reacted as though I was ‘treating her like a leper’. Good grief. Annoying, but we didn’t get norovirus from her to it was worth it!

VivaVivaa · 05/06/2023 20:28

Tough one. I am around sick and infectious people 24/7 in my job and I’d be sad if family started banning me from seeing them because I might be harbouring something. But equally, if it has only been 2-3 times in 11 months for things that you really would rather avoid (norovirus with a toddler was utter hell and covid has knocked me for six x 2 now) I don’t think you are being unreasonable. If your 11 month old is imminently about to start nursery I’d be enjoying every moment of good health possible to be honest…

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 05/06/2023 20:30

Why wouldn't you try and reduce dc being ill if you can?. When I was a sm years ago we had an agreement that dc wouldn't mix that weekend if either household had had any sickness or bugs... Logical surely?

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 05/06/2023 20:39

Norovirus I wouldn't be happy if she visited after they had noro. Anything else.... meh.... if she's well, washed hands changed clothes then I don't see why not. If she's been there cuddled/kissed them , then straight after came to yours without washing her hands then I agree. I'm a nurse, I deal with sick and infectious people day in day out... covid, chest infections, norovirus, cdiff, mrsa etc.
as long as I'm well in myself, washed my hands and keep my uniform separate I don't stay away from anyone

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/06/2023 20:43

Mixing after coughs and colds - fine need to build immunity

Mixing after having severe diarrhea or norovirus- I'd be majorly pissed off

Your child is going to catch everything when they go to nursery so you may as well start slowly building that immunity now, they're past the vulnerable newborn stage.

I was taking my son to soft play and baby groups at that age and those are crawling with germs

At the end of the day though its your choice and she should respect it and not give you grief

FlounderingFruitcake · 05/06/2023 20:46

I think you’re overreacting. MIL isn’t unwell. If her other grandchildren are nursery age or young school age then they’re probably ill more often than they’re not so either she’d never see them or she’d never see you. Do you also not socialise with teachers or healthcare workers, anyone who has contact with the public? It’s completely illogical. Especially if you and your 11MO are healthy.

CatherinedeBourgh · 05/06/2023 20:47

Unfortunately being ill with normal everyday things is necessary for building up your child's immune system, as we all learnt painfully from children born during Covid. Some of them have had to have liver transplants due to not having built their immunity through early exposure to diseases.

Look it up. Seriously, it's dangerous.

JenniferBarkley · 05/06/2023 20:48

I agree if it's vomiting bugs. Maybe covid as isolation is a pain and I would feel obliged to stay home. Everything else and life goes on.

CurlewKate · 05/06/2023 20:49

Does that mean if MIL worked in A&E she'd never be allowed to visit?

CatchHimDerry · 05/06/2023 21:06

In our house it’s vomiting bugs stay well away, last time DH thought he’d go gallivanting off with the kids, 1 baby had it and took out our entire 3 households bar one person

anything else I take a common sense approach

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2023 21:15

YANBU, we often avoid MiL because she's been caring for the other sick grandchildren. For the sake of one day with them you have a sick household for up to two weeks and loads of problems with work. Babies also are much harder work than older kids when unwell and I think lots of people forget that as their kids age.

I mean especially if it's covid, she's being ridiculous.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 05/06/2023 21:18

YANBU

dinoice · 05/06/2023 21:34

Yanbu

I developed chronic post natal anxiety as a result of people Ignoring my boundaries on this. Pre covid then amplified by covid.

You see people who don't allow newborn visits at all for months, etc etc. if you are not happy with it then no.

orchidsrock · 05/06/2023 22:37

I think you're overreacting.

You could argue going anywhere is an unnecessary risk. Most people don't want to put their lives on hold for mild illnesses.

Yellowdays · 05/06/2023 23:36

You are quite reasonable and your PlLs are being entitled.

aSofaNearYou · 06/06/2023 08:17

orchidsrock · 05/06/2023 22:37

I think you're overreacting.

You could argue going anywhere is an unnecessary risk. Most people don't want to put their lives on hold for mild illnesses.

People always say "most people" but then opinions are always pretty divided. I don't think people on either side can definitively say it's most people.

I wouldn't avoid going somewhere if I didn't know someone was likely to be ill there, but it's a different situation when you KNOW they are, and when seeing them isn't particularly essential.

TashieWoo · 06/06/2023 08:59

YANBU - there is no reason to mix with someone who may pass Covid on, and really whatever your decision is MIL should be respecting your decision as her grandchild’s mother.

Aside from it being unpleasant for them there are implications of having sick children as well and although it is inevitable, it isn’t unreasonable to be sensible. If my 13 month old got covid she wouldn’t be able to go to nursery which would mean me or her dad wouldn’t be able to work, which of course has a knock on effect.

My PILs gave me covid when I was 7 months pregnant after looking after their granddaughter who had and not telling me, I was not impressed. At least your MIL has been honest with you so you can make an informed decision.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 07/06/2023 00:32

I don't have any kids in the house and I'm he same. If you're sick stay at home.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 07/06/2023 07:34

@IDontWantToBeAPie the OPs in laws weren't sick. They had saw someone who had been.