Treating each DC differently

[catherinedubliners]

I've always dealt with DS (18) with a stricter attitude than with DD (15, going on 16). It looks like favouritism on my part with regard to DD; I am very lenient with her. She goes to parties and I tell her to have fun. We have girly chats about boys, clothes, parties, make-up, and sports. With DS, I am harsher. The truth is that I'm more protective of him. DH has sat down with me, telling me I have to 'let him breathe'. I know this, its just damn hard.

DH and I had DS a little earlier than we had expected to have children. We were unprepared emotionally and financially. We had DD after getting our first mortgage, DH had got a promotion. We were in a better place. The gap between my two DCs isn't large, but it's become a habit of mine to micromanage DS. I always find out who he's hanging out with, suspicious that he might get up to 'no good' . This comes from the fact that I had him while me and DH lived in an inner city area, we were young professionals. We didn't even have a car yet. Until recently, I would advise DH give DS a lift from parties in case he can't catch a taxi/his friends abandoned him. DD, on the other hand, has free rein.

DS has been applying for university. I was horrified when he wanted to settle on Queen Mary ( Mile End), totally relieved when he got an offer from York. I was and am stricter with him come exam time. He went out with mates and I lost my temper with him that he didn't have his priorities straight. A shouting match ensued. As for DD - everything fine, allowed to do whatever the fuck she wants (within reason).

Does anyone else have any experience with unreasonably treating each teenager differently? I know I'm in the wrong here and it is almost time for DS to explore the world alone. He's off to uni in September. I just have so much trouble getting past attitudes formed when Dcs were infants!

You should speak to a therapist or counsellor because this is not ok for either of your children.

Agree with @NuffSaidSam

Tell your kids you know you are getting it wrong with them and that it's your problem and your responsibility and that you are going to work hard to make it right.

Then go and get therapy and try your best to sort it out.

My god! He is of age. He is an adult. Just stop being like this with him. What was your upbringing like? Did you have an inconsistent parent?

You need to get help or he will go to uni and never come home.

This makes no sense. What bearing does where you lived when he was born have on the way you treat him now he’s an adult? I’m so confused.

Like @PixiesAndUnicorns , this makes no sense whatsoever.

Lots of couples have their dc whilst in different places financially, and in terms of their security, but it doesn't make them treat their dc so differently.
This is really bizarre.
Just listen to yourself.

He's going to go LC or NC with you unless you sort this out. I also don't understand your reasons at all - if you've relaxed enough to parent your DD the way you do, I think the whole thing about having your DS unexpectedly and before you were ready is just an excuse. This seems like a gender thing to me. Do you have any other kids?

Hes the scapegoat and your dd is the golden. Child. Appalling behaviour and no excuse. You need to sort this out before he goes completely nc.

Horrible way to treat your ds.

Agree you need to address this - not only because DS will flee and limit contact in future because you're smothering but DD will feel by comparison you don't actually care about her very much. Even though that's not true at all.

I suspect this has nothing to do with your living situation when your son was born.

It sounds like a scapegoat and golden child dynamic and it's not fair on either of the children.

It's fine to treat children differently if they need different things(Eg. A parent might need to be more or less involved depending on their children's temperament, a child might need some additional support to allow them to access the same opportunities as their sibling), but it's not ok to micromanage and be harsh with one, lenient with the other and say it's due to being 'protective' of the child that's getting the worse deal.

No, I don't have other kids. I'm sure I've identified the root cause, just no way to overcome the habit

This. Surely you'd treat them both with the same level of caution. It doesn't make sense to me and I think it's unfair.

Does your DD generally come across as more responsible or capable?

I tend to think so. I might be imagining it

This is really fucked up. Your poor kids.

Golden child/black sheep dynamic is massively damaging to both your children.

You say there's no way if overcoming it, but you'd better find one because otherwise, once he's off to uni and gets a taste of freedom, that's it, he's not coming back! He will lie to you if you press him for Information. You risk losing him completely.

So find a bloody way now, and stop indulging your need to satisfy your anxieties about him.

I was the one being micromanaged.

My brother could do no wrong.

I'm rapidly approaching 60 and I'm still resentful.

In my case it didn't stop at any point, it was still happening in my 40s.

I was stricter with elder dd. There's a couple of reasons for this. She was my first so all these milestones you navigate are new -sleepovers, parties, social media etc. sometimes when she finally did something it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be so I let younger dd do it earlier. The other reason is dd1 was very passive, I said no she accepted. Dd2 will fight tooth and nail and sometimes her reasoning makes sense so I'll back down. I'm also tireder with dd2 partly cause she's more demanding, partly because I'm older and partly because I have a younger child (ds). So I'm more inclined to give in for easier life.

I've acknowledged this with dd1 and explained reasons. However there has also been times I've said yes to dd1 but no to dd2 because dd1 is more trustworthy. Dd1 has a stronger work ethic which I'd like to think I've helped install with being stricter. So it's swings and roundabouts really. What I'm saying is some of your parenting of ds may have benefited him in long run, try to appreciate that.

It sounds like you are being very harsh on yourself (which is why you are getting some harsh responses). We are all doing the best we can based on our own experience and knowledge. Don't be too hard on yourself just aim to be better. Was your dh coming from a good place when he spoke to you? Remember that's just his opinion and will have his agenda attached to it. Take it on board but make your own decisions about how you feel about your parenting. And remember for the past 18 years your children have had two parents the onus is not all on you.

Be honest with your older child and try to make sure you are fair going forward. He's an adult now anyway so he should be mostly left to his own devices . Maybe get some counselling or try mindfulness to help you learn to reflect before you react.

I have seen this golden child/scapegoat child with a lot of my friends. Usually it is a boy / girl thing. Mothers feel closer to their daughters so favour them in all ways. Often it extends to grandchildren. Mothers of daughters spoil their children ( grandchildren) and neglect their son's children.
We have some close friends with the favoured daughter/ second class son and the daughter as an adult really disliked her mother's behaviour. Their Dad treated them equally but their mother made no secret that her daughter was her favourite child. As adults, brother and sister are close with both recognising how unfairly their mother treats them. As another poster said, it's not always nice to be the favourite.
I think you won't change OP. You will make all manner of excuses for your behaviour. It won't just be your husband who has noticed. I hope your son can get some counselling at some stage so he realises that he is not essentially inferior but is the product of poor parenting on your part.

Finally a balanced answer. Mothers are human, obviously I would be harder on myself and with my DS as I had to get it right with the first DC in order to give more leeway to the second. Retrospectively, it's unfair on DS.

The thing here is that these sort of differences between siblings are quite normal as parents get more experience, but only when looking at things as “at the same age”, so firstborn child was not allowed to do x until x age and younger child gets to do it a couple of years earlier (in age).

However, from your account, this is not what seems to be happening here, your dd is younger and yet getting more freedom/encouragement at 15 than your 18 year old has right now.

One word: habit.

Stop making excuses. This is awful behaviour from you and there's absolutely no reason why you're stricter on your elder boy than your daughter. You've picked out the one answer agreeing with you and made it sound like you have no power in this situation. Nothing compels you to be so unequal. It's your responsibility and entirely within your gift to sort it out