Managing violent behaviour from 6yo with SEN

[Mamma1246]

I'm looking for strategies on how to manage myself rather than my 6yo when he becomes disregulated and on the verge of a meltdown.

He's big for his age and really strong. When he gets angry, he shoves me hard over and over again. Mostly I can stay calm and keep him from hurting me, but occasionally I snap, some self protective instinct takes over and I push him back. I feel terrible as soon as I've done it. I have no urge to hurt him, only to get him out of my space.

How do I stop myself? I've tried so many things, to take myself away, acquiesce, be firm, but it comes down to him wanting to pummel me when he's angry. We're working on other ways for him to avoid dysregulation and anger strategies for him. 99% of the time I can stay calm, but I don't know how to stop myself that 1% of the time. Once is too many, and I don't want to hurt him or for him to think that my behaviour is ok.

Sorry I just re read and realise you wanted advise for yourself.
otherthan getting plenty of breaks sharing the laid with partner I don’t know! We all snap so don’t feel too hard on yourself.
it’s a tough and lonely road sometimes xxxx

@Beck2023 that is such a great post

Why did you delete it? It was really informative, I sure lots of others would have found it really useful

What was in the post?

Sorry I misread and just put some of the strategies I’ve used with my son over the years (he is 14 now). (Autistic with extremely violent communication/meltdowns) but from other threads I know people get shirty if you don’t read the question properly also I didn’t want you to feel I was telling you what to do when you’re probably doing as much as you can. When I re read I realised you asked for advice for you.

im really sorry if I’ve stopped the thread too!

It has been really hard and I spent most of my sons early years (from age 4 to about 12) in tears when I wasn’t with him as it was so hard and frustrating. We certainly lost our temper occasionally over the years and it is hard not to react esp when you are on the edge/tired etc.
i did always apologise and explain to my son that we are only human and not perfect and that we were sorry when we got cross. And that it absolutely isn’t ok to get angry.

it’s such a lot to deal with and nobody will believe how hard it can be unless they have been through it. My son was/is so strong and I was often left bruised/scratched/bitten/kicked etc.

I think trying to look after yourself as much as you can in terms of rest and sharing the frustration can help. But also there will be times when you need to protect yourself and your instinct kicks in.

we had specialist training organised by our council to restrain him safely as a last resort (ie without blocking airways) and this is definitely not an easy option as having to restrain my five year old child in a strong hold so they don’t hurt themselves or you is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

I would say with persistence over the years and helping him to understand himself and his needs my son rarely lashes out physically so you can get there.

He has always been such a lovely child (people would not believe his behaviour unless they saw it) and is so much happier in himself now he can communicate his own needs in a safer way.

Do you know why he gets dysregulated? I think finding the cause then dealing with that will help as he's less likely to get dysregulated. I don't know what Sen he has or if you already know this but sensory processing difficulties can cause a lot of children to become dysregulated so worth looking into. Other things can be harder like if they meltdown because things don't go as expected.

Absolutely this as well but am sure you are doing this. Finding the triggers is as important so you can make adequate/gradual changes.

What I did write earlier was that nothing felt as ‘good’ to my son as hitting someone. He is very sensory seeking.
(we tried to encourage him to tear at paper /hit cushions etc) the only things that got near were heavy crash mats/giant bean bags (hitting them or lying under them or throwing himself on them) or even the pressure of someone lying on him. He has trampettes in the lounge and his bed room and he is on these a lot to help regulate just throughout the day.

xx

@Beck2023 thank you, your posts were really useful! I think especially your comment about "nothing felt as good as hitting someone" is really helpful for me to see things from his perspective as he is very sensory seeking too, and I will keep it in mind next time. I'll also look into how we can get training for to safely restrain him.

I'm glad that with the time and effort you put in, it has gotten better. My fears are that it will get harder as he gets bigger and stronger, but I have hope that if we can help him communicate his needs, it will get better for him too.