Feel like I have to reject my baby to get any time alone

[123bumblebee]

Sorry if the title seems a little dramatic. But I'm getting really fed up of having to nag DH to take our toddler (15 months) out of the house on a weekend so that I can get some time alone. I literally have to hover and feel like I have to push them out of the door and it makes me feel SO guilty, like I'm having to reject the baby. He never plans anything for them, he doesn't contact friends to meet up. If I didn't plan stuff for us on a weekend he would just happily potter around the house, maybe go for a walk (which is fine, but with a toddler we all go a bit stir crazy if we are stuck in the house all day).

For context we both work similar hours with long commutes. He is FT, I do 3 days a week, on the other 2 days I have the toddler from 8-7. I do all nursery drop offs and pick her up one day a week, he picks her up the other 2 days. He works in his dream job, gets a protected lunch break where he can go outside and eat lunch. Gets to listen to podcasts all day at work as mainly works alone. I work in the NHS as a junior doctor. Barely get a chance to pee in the day, eat lunch during meetings or over admin. Am also doing my final postgraduate exams so having to stuck (god knows when). I do the meal planning, washing/putting away, cleaning (I tried to get us both to do it together but it lasted about a week, mostly because by the time the baby is in bed and we have eaten dinner we are knackered TBH).

I will take her out sometimes all day on a weekend to give him some space. My parents live close by so I can take her to theirs. He is very handy and gets on with DIY (we have been doing up our house for a few years), he doesn't have any vices.

Sorry for the ramble. I just wish for once he would just announce he was taking her out without me having to ask "can you take the baby out for a few hours?". Even then he will return very quickly. I don't want to feel like I have to push them out of the door.

I don’t know, to be honest. My DH is the same, so I am sympathetic because sometimes I just want some peace and quiet. And it definitely isn’t unreasonable every so often.

But are you wanting this every weekend? I’m not sure that’s fair either …

Oh and don’t feel you have to take your child out to give him space … I made this mistake as well!

I organised swimming lessons for DD on a Saturday for just this reason. A 30 min lesson meant he was out of the house for 2 hours. It also gave DH an idea of how difficult it was to get out the house (although he kept trying to rope me in to get everything ready).

DD now 5 and he must have voluntarily taken her and DS out about a maximum of 5 times. Whereas, I often take DC to the supermarket, to the park, with me to whatever so DH gets some precious time alone but he never sees the need to reciprocate!

YANBU it would be nice for him to plan things sometimes but hovering and shoving them out the door seems a bit dramatic? Can you not just go and chill in your room for a bit? Tell him you'd like a few hours to yourself then it's up to him what he does with her.

I know you are knackered and it’s the last thing you feel like doing, but work out what you think a fair divvy up or work is, and then sit down and discuss it with him. He needs to step the fuck up on the cooking and cleaning - I know you work less but given you have to study and look after the toddler you do not have a whole bunch of time to cook and clean on your 2 days at home.

It’s good for toddlers to get used to entertaining themselves so cracking on with your stuff when they are in is a good thing. But I would tell him you need a couple hours out and present him with some regular activity options - swimming lessons, soft play etc - and agree a slot he goes out. You should get equal time off.

You might also want to look at getting a cleaner and putting your toddler in nursery for a half day when you are at home so you can study.

You are definitely becoming the mum who does it all - so nip it in the bud while you can. On a similar note, do not get into the thing of feeling guilty that you need time out - it’s absolutely fine and it’s a good way of modelling boundaries to your child.

I have a 15 month old daughter too - Sometimes I think you just have to be clear and tell him what you want, you can't wish he would just do it on his own because I know very few men who would be so proactive. Don't feel guilty, you need your time to unwind. Maybe if he knew exactly how you felt he'll wake up a bit to your needs. He sounds like a good guy overall, god knows how many times a day I have to prompt my DH into helping out....just be direct and please don't feel guilty, daddy daughter time is really important too x

Sounds like too many issues. The unfair division of labour is different to him not leaving the house.

I sympathise on the house thing and had a dh the same. He was quite happy to stay home with the dc while I went out but getting him out the door with them so I could have time at home was excruciating.

Mostly I learnt to just stay upstairs in the bedroom or go out by myself. Or if he said he was taking them somewhere I would go out before hand, aiming to.return after he left because being there while he was leaving and faffing irritated me so much.

@Wildflowersinthemeadow yes, I am. A few hours where he takes her 1:1 like I do in the week. I am sitting an exam that costs £1200 (I can’t afford to resit at that cost) and have no other time to study for it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable.

@orchidsrock DD is going through a very clingy stage with me. She is fine if I am not around, but if I am in the house she will wail and cry to get to me. So it’s best for them to go out.

Could you instead grab your books and go to the library/park/costa to study. Leave a list of chores needing done in house ?
Instead of pushing him out, maybe easier to just leave for a few hours? X

Good advice here

Can you eat tea together when your toddler gets home at 6? We do and it means once the kids are in bed we get time to chill because we've eaten early

Take your books and go and study in a cafe or library. Phone on silent, leave him in charge.

Surely they don’t have to go out? When my partner isn’t working he comes to toddler classes with us/the park/swimming ect. and we go on days out together when we can afford to but their alone time is always in the house, usually upstairs whilst I’m downstairs 🤷‍♀️

Oh god I feel you! Literally at the exact same stage. It's sooo draining

I hear you! 15 yrs later I still feel like I end up micromanaging the household routine. Don’t feel like you are rejecting your little one…it’s fab for their relationship to spend time alone together and I know exactly what you mean .Is it worth booking in for an ongoing dads club/swimming/soft play session where they both go out for a planned activity and then head for a cafe for lunch every weekend? Perhaps ask other mums what there is in your area.

Can you just take yourself off to your mum's to study? Leave him to it at home!

If your parents live nearby, could you have a room there to study and then DH comes round later with DD for lunch or afternoon tea so your parents don’t miss out.