Parenting a 17 year old

[Perfectpeonies]

I’m looking for advice on how much I need to parent my 17 year old DS.

I know this is an odd request but he has just moved back in after some time living elsewhere. My own experience of being 17 was living independently so I don’t have much of a guide from my own upbringing.

Just looking for a bit of guidance really, boundaries, what he should contribute to the home, curfews, drinking etc.

Where did he live?

He was with his father

It sounds like your sons background is slightly different to many 17 year olds but I have a 17 year old. I’m my option there still a child as still at school. I expect them to keep their room tidy, walk the dog, clear the table from dinner and eat dinner as a family.

I do the washing, our cleaner does their room and changes their sheets

I expect them to let me know their social plans and I reserve the right to veto them if we have plans as a family etc. I don’t give a strict curfew but I will ask they’re back by a certain time during the week and expect them to keep me updated to their home time at weekend.

They can have friends over whenever they like but I expect to be told beforehand and they usually say “is it ok for x to come over”

I don’t have boyfriends or girlfriends staying over before they go to uni and they’re not allowed to stay with a boyfriend / girlfriend either. That’s non negotiable.

so still parenting as they’re part of a family but light touch.

Oh and rudeness and ongoing attitude is not acceptable. I’ll happily withdraw lifts and driving lessons if they’re being obnoxious. Ok not putting myself out or paying money to entitled children

That's exactly as I do it too and it's not met with complaint so far.

This is helpful - thank you

I would do most of this. I wouldn’t veto for family plans, just like my parents didn’t for me at that age. I don’t feel I can control who they choose to spend their time with.

I would also allow gf or bf to stay over. I know the thought of them having sex is gross but they are going to anyway and I’d rather it in their bed then late night in a field! Also think being really strict around sex implies they are doing something wrong which in turn creates shame about a very natural, normal act.

they can still have sex in the house, I have no issue with it. It doesn’t need to involve overnight stays which takes the relationship to another level

My 17 yr old doesn’t really have any rules other than normal basic house rules, tidiness consideration coming in quietly if late et. we used to have a box outside which he had to leave his coat/ hoody/ clothes in if he reeked of weed. He has to ask before he has friends round and he isn’t allowed to vape in the house, he also isn’t allowed to bring drugs into the house. he has no curfew and pleases himself in regards to where he goes and when he comes back. However he left school over a year ago and has been working full time since then.

the above is a compromise after several very tricky years with him. We basically removed most parental controls as they Did. Not . Work. Our relationship with him and his behaviour has improved dramatically since then and he will actually come to us for advice now and sometimes will even listen to it!

everyone is different and 17 is a tricky age. I wasn’t as ‘liberal’ with my other kids, but this kid was not the same as the others!

He does household chores as and when required, albeit reluctantly.

At 17 I expect my kids to take care of their own rooms. We had a cleaner for a while but she didn't do their rooms. Sheets I wash but expect them to make up their own beds.
My son cooked for himself and was usually pretty good at tidying, he did his own ironing too. Friends were allowed as long as I was told, and if he went out we agreed a home time and I just wanted to know he was safe, so he'd text me when on his way home.
He had a part time job then as he was in vocational college. So he paid for when going out, a few bits of clothing, though I paid for his phone and other expenses.

Yeah, I see that point.

This is all so helpful, thank you. It definitely feels he’s tipped into adulthood and he is very self sufficient

Our eldest is away from home at Uni and is 21, but the youngest is 16 and we let him do his thing. If he's out at tea time, he has it when he gets in (just needs for him to warm it up), we know the mates he is out with and roughly where he is (it will always involve football or paddle boarding) and he knows that we want him home a decent time.

Apart from that, he does his own thing. He's respectful and doesn't push it. He's doing GCSEs at the moment, he knows what he needs to do, we aren't on his case about revision. If he wants to pass, he puts the work in, if he doesn't pass, that's on him.

I treat my 17 year old pretty much as an adult with the caveat that she also treats me with respect. I check with her before arranging things and for important things she does the same with me. She is expected to contribute to the running of the house - not financially - in that if it needs hoovering or a wash to go on or the bathroom cleaned, it gets done, she doesn't have 'her chores'. If she's out and will be late, I expect her to tell me so I can go to bed/lock up if she's not coming home. Her gf is allowed to stay, this has only been since y12 and we have rules around this.