Just interested in knowing how others would approach this

[Reimium]

If I wanted my child to do something and they refuse and start getting all stressed and visibly upset and annoyed, would you still insist or leave it?

I know that will change according to what it is, but I’m wondering how it is best approached, child aged two and a half.

If it was essential (ie they had to go to nursery so I could go to work) then I would insist. If non essential then I would chill and try again later. Basically - pick your battles.
At that age I found distraction and bribery worked far better than forcing.

It depends what it is and depends on the child in my opinion.

We had some non negotiables at that age, but even then if it upset them found ways to make it more bearable.

Tooth brushing for example, DS bloody hated it and would get really upset- took him to choose a toothbrush and found a Thomas the tank thing that times the 2 minutes and he grew to enjoy it. It still did take reiterating that it was something we had to do.

If its something that didn't strictly need doing I'd assess it- is he just not ready? Doesn't understand what and why? Sticker reward chart worked well at that age but doesn't for all. Bit of a pick your battles mixed with knowing what's best for them.

It would depend entirely on what the thing was.

I have. 2.5 year old. I'm finding he's actually starting to be a lot more receptive if I explain the reasons why we need to do something.

Otherwise. If it's something essential, like leaving the house for nursery on time, then I have to battle against the tantrum as we have no choice. However if it's something non essential, like not wanting to wear his shoes before we leave the house, then I let it go and put them in his bag for later.

I try and pick and choose, and let the smaller things go.

I have a 2.5 year old* that should have said!

Hobby? Leave.
Drs/nursery - explain in advance, give time (we're going in 10 minutes) and offer reassurance.

Depends what it was. Something minor and unimportant, I’d leave it. But I think the “pick your battles” approach can be very dangerous in the long run if you let important things slide. I was always a stickler for good manners with my kids. Please and thank you and excuse me. Every time and even to each other. And when they got to 7/8, I never had to remind them again. Whereas my friend, who was pick your battles” on this, is sometimes visibly embarrassed by the way her kids speak to her, but just rolls her eyes. And it’s not so great on a 14 year old…..

Depends. Nursery. Brushing teeth. Bathing. Getting dressed and swimming are all non negotiable at that age.
Hobbies like dance or football I’d leave it

So I guess there are some things you can force, even if child unhappy about it.

But like with the please example above, if they won’t say please, if they just wouldn’t, then what would you do?

I wouldn’t give them whatever it is and ask them to try again when they can ask nicely. If they have a tantrum, they have a tantrum. I don’t view that as “forcing” them so much as basic cause and effect (can’t ask nicely? Don’t get what you want)

Things that I would “force” my child to do are things like wear a seatbelt, where I will physically hold them down and buckle them in if necessary, and would only do that when it’s absolutely essential

If they don’t say please they don’t get whatever it is they want. They can tantrum about it but wouldn’t happen. Manners are important

My normally very chilled 2 year old once had the biggest tantrum because I put on a dress for her christening - she wasn’t a fan of dresses at all. I was stressed she was stressed so I caved and just put her in a white top and some leggings…..at the party she then decided to wear the dress.

I pick my battles with my two children - somethings like safety are non negotiable. But I do try and find a way around it - choices, explaining and distraction etc so I try to not have jt turning into a tantrum - 2 years olds are stubborn though and are a force! Especially if you open the banana not the way they want!

Yeah I guess what I mean is, sometimes there are things that can be forced although unpleasant and other times … you can’t.

So say my two year old refuses to sit at the table, it’s not a safety concern, but I know for plenty of people they would describe as a non negotiable but it sort of has to be. Unless you chain them to a chair

I have twins that are 2.5. One sits very nicely at the table. The other almost always stands in his chair before the meal is finished. Now I could just refuse to let him eat standing up... But actually he already eats very little and the reason has acting up is because he wants to leave the table because he finds eating really boring. I praise one twin (not excessively) for sitting nicely and thank his older sister for her good manners. But I don't stress about the one that is standing up as long as he doesn't throw food etc. Sadly that does mean I don't consider him ready to come to a cafe yet, but never mind.

My DH has been getting rather impatient with the boys recently (we're all at home for half term) as he and eldest were playing monopoly on the sitting room floor and one of thetoddlers sat in the bank and made a mess of the money. I reminded him that out very lovely and polite DD (now 6) had some pretty awful habits at that age.... toddlers like to have some autonomy, they have so little! So I stick to really crucial rules (from my perspecitve) until about age 3. So no hitting, no snatching, only throw balls not toys etc. Manners are encouraged/praised/reminded but I don't punish for breaches in table manners etc, or making a mess with toys (as long as they at least help with clear up). Parentingis a long game!

if they won’t say please, if they just wouldn’t, then what would you do?

Agree with the pp - if it was something that they wanted, then they wouldn’t get it. And I would add “please” after every request they made, to me and to anyone else. Every single time.

Hobbies like dance or football I’d leave it

With things like that, I used to say “Okay - you don’t want to go to hobby. But Mrs Z is expecting you and it’s rude not to turn up unless you have a good reason and not fair on someone else who would like to do hobby. So if you don’t go, then it’s only fair that another little girl can have your place.” And that used to work quite well - once it brought out that child really wasn’t enjoying something she’d wanted to do and we agreed we’d stop it. But the rest of the time it tended to galvanise them into action that day.

It's a non-negotiable for us in the sense that that is where they eat, so if they want to eat in the living room, the answer is no. But yes, of course they aren't tied to the chair and I'm not going to physically hold them down, or let my own dinner go cold by spending the meal dragging them back to the table.

One of our son's was particularly bad for this to the extent he'd work himself up into a frenzy to the point of practically making himself physically sick. At some point you just need to back down. Aged 2-3 was notably the worst age for it. He's grown into a lovely and very happy-go-lucky and obliging adult though!

Do you want him to eat at the table?
Can you pin down what he's resisting? We moved DD from a high chair to a Stokke when it was safe for her to climb up and down herself, so she sat at the table effectively the same as everyone else.
If your DS is refusing because he wants to eat in the lounge/with toys/TV etc,I would just say no. Meals are eaten at the table. If he's getting snacks elsewhere and wants to eat meals the same way, you have a choice - eat all food at the table or be more flexible overall.
It's hard to reason with toddlers and you can integrate different expectations as they get older..
Food and eating can be a barrier to the things they would rather be doing!

I had a dictatorship here, it started when both mine were very tiny, no leeway at all.

No means No.

I did a lot to mitigate potential issues, kept a regular routine, constantly talked with them about what we were doing and what was going to be happening next, advance warning to leaving somewhere so they were prepared and wouldn't kick off. I created small inconsequential decisions for them dot hey felt involved eg, do you want to wear the green or yellow socks? A banana or apple? I had days when I had to concertina them screaming into pushchairs or car seats but it didn't do them any harm to let their frustrations out and we still got to where we needed to be.