What does grounded for 12 year mean in your house

[Overitx]

He has done something really really bad. I usually don’t go down too hard on him.

after his recent behaviour he is grounded for 2 weeks. I have taken phone, play station, he isn’t going out the house without us. I have also told him to stay in his room except for meals.

I can't comment on the grounding but I do wonder what a 12 year old needs so much pocket money for

What does he spend it on? Could you have a punishment based on that? Sadly imo punishments don't change behaviour, anyway, arent you going to make the relationship worse?

I agree with others, everything apart from the staying in the room. I would use the two weeks to make him work off the debt, but also spend lots of time with him trying to work out what is wrong with him and making him act this way. E.g. walks but not treats

I think grounding is stopping them going out with friends. I don’t think of it as being confined to a bedroom. I personally wouldn’t confine him to his room.

I think with teens that are rebelling it’s a really hard line to balance when disciplining. My parents tried tobe hard only brother when he went off the rails. It pushed him further away and upped the ante…:he just left the home without their permission. I wouldn’t get into power struggles.

I misread your title and thought you’d grounded him for 12 years.

I'd think being marched to the door to apologise and pay the money back will probably have done the trick without all the other stuff. He was hopefully embarrassed and guilty about his actions and won't repeat them.
I don't think grounding and punishments help kids to grow as people it just makes them sneakier

@Hannahsbananas
same here!

The more I think about it the more I think that being grounded has probably never worked on any child ever to change their behaviour or understand right from wrong. Especially at teen sort of age where they have a really underdeveloped sense of consequence so the chances of the fear of grounding being much of a deterrent are pretty low.

Don't make him stay in his room, that is cruel. The rest I agree with.

😂. Time for a trip to SpecSavers…

Taking everything from him and isolating him alone in his bedroom won’t help this, in fact having removed play station and grounded it’s a great opportunity to find common ground with him while he’s stuck at home with nothing to do. Keeping him alone will show him you don’t understand him and that he can’t talk to you. He’s 12, he’s made mistakes, he needs firm punishments and to also no that he can talk to
you.

You can’t keep him in his room- I’m not sure anyone would even think of that before the pandemic. Bar some really cruel abusers.

But give him a load of chores to get on with as well as apologising.

that’ll learn him!

If you are using all those punishments at once you have nowhere to go if he breaks one of them. Leave yourself some wiggle room.

I think you are spot on. It just creates a us against you feeling and furthers the divide. You need to get to know your son, the only thing that can fix him is communication.

Thanks all. Point taking. I have got him downstairs and he’s making cakes with his sibling, thanks for the useful tips. I was blind with rage and anger.

what a lovely update.
We all act out of anger sometimes and I can understand why you were really upset with him. Good that you’ve dialled back a bit.

Hope the time at home helps and you make some positive steps with him

Seems a reasonable punishment to me. I might have made him pay back double what he stole from his own money too.

Sounds OTT. Talk to him about what he’s done and what he can learn from it.

I never grounded my kids. They were children so only went out to activities etc. which they were taken to and which were good for them - sports, drama, music, riding etc
when teenagers, I took away devices for short periods of time but I still let them go out and go to their clubs etc.
older teens were given a stern talking to but still not grounded. I wanted them to have a good social life as they worked hard at school.
Tbh they didn't ever do much wrong.
my parents never grounded me or my sister either and I did far worse than my kids.
My two are now grown and are successful, respectful, kind, sociable, popular people with lots of friends and lovely partners.

Oh and being confined to their rooms - mine would have loved that but if I'd taken away their TV and Ps etc, I would have felt cruel as they never did anything that bad. So I never did.
So I guess it depends on the behaviour.
I don't think they were ever punished at 12 as their behaviour didn't warrant it. Yes they back chatted and pushed boundaries but all teenagers do that.
Worst my daughter did was stay out later than her curfew about 15. She was fine. I was going to clubs in central London at 15 so was quite laid back about her going out.
Worst my son did was look at porn on his phone about 14 and his sister told me. His dad and I had a stern talk with him about valuing women, respecting boundaries, contraception etc. and put controls on his devices.
they never deserved to be grounded in my / our opinion.
As I say, they are lovely adults now, with great careers and lovely partners. I'm divorced from their dad but we all still get along and still have family time all together. They're 19 and 23 now.

Since when are consequences bad? My DD behaved very badly in Jan and I grounded her until mid April and took her brand new iPhone from her. The reason kids are so wild these days is because they know their parents don't have the balls to follow through with any punishments. I actually think my DD respects us more now, she knows I'm not a pushover.

Because punishing someone into acting a certain way is quite a weird way to go about things. I'm personally more bothered about my children being decent people and having a real understanding of why whatever thing they did was wrong, not just acting decent for fear of punishment, respect goes two ways and a child treated with empathy and understanding when they mess up is more likely to then treat others with that same empathy and understanding.
i don't think it's true that children are "so wild" these days? My parents were strict and I was a lot worse behaved than any kids I come across these days..
I find kids in general to be pretty respectful and well mannered these days?

How many things does your ds do that involve different peer groups - sports, Scouting, youth clubs etc etc?

If a child has a single peer group - in school - and thus a single ‘role’ (class clown) it can be very hard to change behaviour. By taking this time to find a range of other activities/ groups/ friends, you also perhaps find him ways to try out other ways of being, other roles, that may be more positive?

Equally in school, if this behaviour was at break / lunchtime, what clubs or activities happen in those periods? What is available- and how can the school help you - to find structured or semi -structured things to do to keep him busy and out of mischief?

Whatever he has done you shouldn't confine him to his room for two weeks. That isn't practical and whatever he has done surely you need to spend the time trying to work out why and ensure it doesn't happen again. This is only going to cause resentment