Does the guilt (of nursery) ever go away? Or conflict?

[sellotape12]

I'm much happier being back at work (4 months now, DS is 16 months old). It's good to have a bit of money again, and I feel like my old self. There are no plans to change that. DS is in nursery 4 days a week.

But how do you live with the constant conflict of missing your baby at the same time? What triggered this for me is when I went to pick him up today, I peeked in to a hole in the fence and watched him. He looked so tiny and so grown up at the same time, and I felt like he was accelerating in front of me, but without me. He was having fun with the sand pit, and then my heart wrenched when I saw another tot push him. Then he was fine again. I know rationally that it's all good for them, and I'm happy that he's thriving and happy, it's just weird to have this constant ache in your heart thinking I dumped him to some other random women for the week.
Even though I know that's irrational.
How did you learn to live with the conflict, it feels so chemical to me. Our life is really good, I just wish I could slow down time.

It's incredibly hard. I've only just started not feeling guilty about it now my daughter is 3 and loves going to pre-school. But when she was a baby I was constantly tied up in knots about sending her in, and I still feel sad when I think back to her being in nursery when so little. Her little sister starts nursery in a few months and I am dreading it.

I love working, learning new things and having financial independence. I also hate being away from my children. It's such an internal conflict for me and I think that's the case for so many women. The way you describe it as chemical really resonates for me.

Not a massively helpful answer, but you're not alone!

My kids thrived at nursery. It gave them an inbuilt confidence that I didn't have at their age (now Primary age) or now. They learnt problem solving, working in a group, physical dexterity, negotiation etc all whilst having fun with their friends. They had experiences at nursery they would never had with me as a FT SAHP. I was happy leaving them (4 days) with a team I trusted, and they were more than happy to go. During evenings, weekends and my off day I could relax and have fun with them in our downtime one-on-one. I wasn't stressed about finances or my career I could just enjoy family life knowing they were well cared for when they were not with me.

I totally get your comments about slowing down time. Age 2 and 3 were such a fun time for me. I look back at old photos/videos and I really miss those days. It really is not long before they are in school and you wouldn't see them 9am to 3pm anyway!

Does he have to go as much? The truth is he's doing more developing without you so I understand you feeling this way.

Both dcs went to ft nursery from 1. They are both late teens. It is a non-issue. They have not mentioned it. I have not thought about it in years. There is no difference with their friends. It really does not matter.

For me, the guilt (and the fact that I miss him) is outweighed by the development, challenge, opportunities and fun that he's always had at nursery as well as the relationships he's formed with the staff. It is easier when they get a bit older and can talk about their friends and what they did all day including opportunities that I couldn't give him (one day this week he and his little pals played a game of lacrosse 🤷🏻‍♀️). I also have him home with me one day a week and it's a very long day. I'm a much better mum for not being a SAHM.

I don’t think it is necessarily true that ‘it’s all good for them’ if I’m honest OP. think that’s something that society tells us to make us feel better because many have no choice. It’s important to do the research as carefully as you can and be honest with yourself about it, and mitigate any negative effects to the best of your ability. That’s all you can do. There are upsides in terms of socialisation and independent - but children don’t need socialisation /independence at that age in the same way as they need security, a single caregiver and a very solid bond. I honestly think it’s better to look this stuff in the eye than to whistle in the dark as it were.

I honestly never had guilt about it, but I did find I missed them a lot at first. Both DCs advanced quickly at nursery and you could see them take huge leaps forward at times. In my experience it makes a big difference socially too, they develop quickly. A friend of DH is a deputy head (I think) in a primary school and she says you can tell in reception which kids have gone to nursery and which haven’t.

I find parenting hard work, so I was always quite glad to hand them over to nursery.

My youngest child is 3 now though and I won't be having any more, and I feel quite sad sending him into nursery. I guess I didn't really see it till it was too late, but they do grow up so fast.

However.....I didn't really have a choice. I need to work. So as much as I do beat myself up about a lot of things, I can't really beat myself up about that.

The routine of work and nursery means that the time together is precious and we make the most of it.
My son is happy to see me when I collect him from nursery and now he’s 3 he will tell me about his day.
As much as others will make you feel guilty, it takes a village to raise a child and you have made nursery part of that village 🙂

The thing is, I truly believe nursery is good for development and socialisation. My son is 1 and I've just seen pictures of him on the app doing table top painting with other babies. He does so much more there than he would with me.

My health visitor told me it's about quality of time not quantity of time you spend with your children. We aren't meant to bring children up single handley and it does children so good to form attachments to other caregivers. Children have been going to nursery for decades and still form secure attachments to their parents.