Parts of parenting make me want to die

[justgottaaayit]

I love my child an incomprehensible amount, and the good times are just the best experiences ever. But I had a rough first year which I've not had chance to recover from, and even the beginnings of toddlerhood I'm finding unbearable at times. I have delayed PND, I know I do, but medication and counselling doesn't and isn't going to help, because I only feel the way I do as a product of my circumstances, and no amount of medication or talking about it is going to change what's happening. I already utilise what support is available and this is how I feel after that, let alone if I didn't.

Sorry, I guess I'm just going through a really down patch.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time, I remember it well. Don't dismiss help because PND is circumstantial, just because you know the cause of the depression doesn't mean the usual depression tools won't help. I always remember my HV saying that to me when I said exactly the same as you.

Sorry, I only say it because I'm already under the PMHT and have been on antidepressants for a few months now, and I feel like I'm just going around in circles with it all.

Parenting little children can be so so tough, especially on the background of significant trauma (as it sounds like your first year was). I can’t tell you it’s definitely going to get better as only you know what you have been through and toddlers are hard work. But please feel seen and know you aren’t alone - I hope some of the interventions start working for you soon even if you aren’t seeing it currently

I completely understand where you’re coming from.

DD just turned 2 - when having her I had a spinal injury due to a mistake that was done by an anaesthetist whilst doing my epidural. I also lost 2L of blood alongside other things and literally nearly died. Struggled to bond with her as I was in and out of hospital without her and developed PND.

DS just turned 1 (11 months age gap between them) - he spent 6 weeks in NICU despite being born full term. Three months later we found out he has a rare genetic disorder which is also an intellectual disability. Whilst pregnant with him I was suicidal and was under the perinatal mental health team.

I still have PND and I’ve been on antidepressants for a year. I’ve had CBT therapy AND counselling. I also have a lot of physical support from their dad even though we’re not together. I left the kids with him today, had lunch by myself and watched a film. I get a lot of time to myself if I want it but no matter how many ‘breaks’ I have, I still feel the same.

Everyday is filled with dread. People give advice from a good place but they don’t understand that not everyone has to have PND or be in a bad place. Some women really do fucking hate being a parent. I’m switched on 24/7 and I’m just TIRED. My DD is suspected ASD too and I feel that she’s so much more difficult to manage/parent/look after then my son who literally has a life long health condition.

I have no advice OP but just know that you’re not alone. It’s hard. The only thing that I’ve found that’s helped somewhat is that my daughter started nursery one month ago. She goes three days a week and only does 1-6 but my God, it does me a world of good. I’ve purposely taken my days off on the days that she goes to nursery so I only have to deal with one child. That does help a lot. Could you put yours in nursery even for a few hours a week?

Sending my love to you, it’s hard isn’t it. Feel free to PM me if you’d ever like to talk x