How long did it take you to get used to having 2 kids?

[evrak]

I feel like a horrible parent since baby #2 arrived! I really wanted a second one but I now feel I am not good enough. I returned to work 4 weeks after giving birth (personal choice) and I decided to get my leave when my DS gets to 6 months old so I didn’t have too much time to bond with him post birth. And I now have developed an eternal fight inside me as I cannot find a balance! I love spending time with my 2.5 yo, such a fun age with an opportunity to play together and teach them lots. So I usually focus on him while my 4 month DS just sits/plays/sleeps in the background. When the baby cries, I feel I get very easily annoyed. When I spend a few minutes just talking to my baby he just gets so excited smiling etc and I feel sooo guilty that I don’t pay enough attention to him and he is always the afterthought. I feel I am more caring and loving towards the older. But I promise I love them both! How do I handle it?

Change your work pattern and take the leave now, why would you leave your baby at 4 weeks?

It took me a solid 6 months to get used to it and find some kind of workable balance between my 3 yo and baby. I kept forgetting I was in an adjustment period and thinking life would be that difficult forever. Now at 9 months pp I find it much easier to carve out moments in the day with each child and don’t have that constant feeling of failing them both any more. I’m now back at work and I’ve also been able to find more balance with my partner pulling his weight and both of us facilitating one-on-one time with each child.

Go easy on yourself and be a bit patient. You’re trying your best and that is significant and it is loving. Short bursts of your concentrated attention can be extremely valuable x

It takes time, but all 3 of you will adjust. It won't be exactly the same as it was - you and your eldest will have less - 1:1 time, but as the baby gets older they will start to value time together, so it all works out. My 6 year old loves playing "tag" with her 2yo brothers (chaos!!!) And with a smaller age gap you'll get there faster.

I just read this and thought how fortunate you are to have a small baby that will tolerate being put down/being the afterthought... long may it last! Much easier than having a velcro baby alongside a demanding toddler. Who looks after the little one when you're at work? Presumably they interact with baby quite a bit as of course developmentally it is needed.

Never thought it like that but it’s true we are lucky in that sense. My husband got long parental leave to spend time with the little one and let me go back to work. So he gets lots of cuddles and attention from him. I guess I have the mum’s guilt for not being there 24/7.