Generational trauma

[WhoToTalkTo]

If you're aware of your role in breaking any generational trauma cycles in your family, how do you cope/what do you do with all the triggering feelings it brings up in you?

I found I could cope with my mothers behaviour until my daughter reached the age I could remember being myself. Remembering how I felt and seeing her treat my own daughter the same really triggered me.
It was at this point I went no contact, and saw a therapist, only for 6 weeks but that was enough time to understand my mothers own issues, get some good recommendations for books, and I do find understanding her more makes me less cross about it all and instead sad.
I hope this helps me break the generational trauma that my mothers mother passed onto my mother and her to me, so that my own daughter can thrive.

Depends what's your example?
I don't shout when my toddler purposefully spills something I just redirect...my mother probably would've shouted and got all stressed out and made me cry...is that traumatic?
What do you mean?

My intergenerational trauma is around being left. My maternal grandmother was left by her husbands (twice), my mum was left by my dad and then she hang on to dear life to the bloke she married afterwards. My own marriage disintegrated but I hang on to it for far too long.

I’m not sure I broke the cycle, but I discussed this with DD, she brought it up, asking if how she feels is because her dad and I divorced. We’re still processing the whole thing.

Awareness is the first step, I think. I then had therapy (BWRT).

I was the product of having my emotional/attachment needs ignored, and so I purposely try to meet these for my own child. But when my response doesn't seem to be enough to comfort them, there's a part of me that gets really angry because I would have done anything to get that sort of love and instead it feels like my child is throwing it back in my face. I know they're not, I know it's not like that at all because they're no where near old enough to have this comprehension, but the part of me that feels that way is also stuck at a point that can't rationalise it either and so the adult me is left with all this emotion that I'm left suppressing.

Honestly - I walk and walk and walk when I feel triggered. Take the dog, plug in music and walk the feelings off.
I'm trying to break passive- aggressive acts, manipulations by emotional blackmail and freezing a child out when they have disappointed you and controlling behaviour. Over the years I've got much better at recognising where my parents would go when a situation arises (they would use all of the above tools) so when my children make me feel tense, I use the actually tense feeling to know that if I don't consciously make a good choice I could default to my parents way of handling it. It's not 💯 full proof but noticing the trigger , feeling it and using it as a moment to redirect yourself is a good tool. Also if you ever do default (it can happen) apologise as quickly as you can, explain you made a mistake. I find that goes along way to helping everyone. Good luck - it's a very difficult thing to overcome.

Lots of counselling to process and explore all of those triggers in a space that didn't involve my family helped me.

Yes, my mother was / is completely emotionally unavailable. Same with my other brother and sister but not quite as bad as my youngest DB.

I meet all of my DC needs, naturally. I've never had to try. It's something I will always do. I am LC with my mother.
With my DC you can see she is very OTT and maybe she feels guilty I don't know, but I'm keeping an eye on it as once I hit a certain age (5/6) that's when all emotions became unavailable. If history repeats (which I suspect) I will pull the plug and go NC.

She has never been proud of me.
Never called me beautiful.
Never ever tells me she loves me.
I had cancer and once I was in remission (it was a long battle and I came so close to not doing chemo) I got a well done but the next week apparently she found a lump and was getting checked. Telling everyone she thought she had cancer. Picking up leaflets etc.
tried to sabotage my wedding.

Thankfully I live in the midlands and she's on the west coast so I don't see her often.
My dads great, he divorced her when I was very young and I can't say I blame him.

I do things very differently to how my mum did with us 4 kids. My DB is expecting his first baby and he has already said the same. Sad really, as all 4 of us kids are pretty well rounded nice people with great friends and good jobs. Your mother should always be your number one fan, which is so not the case with us.

I will always be my childrens number one fan. Always.

@WhoToTalkTo the spilling example, I tried to do the same: accidents happen, don’t worry about it. And congratulated myself for not being like my mum about it.

It goes deeper than that though, I realised that what I actually did was teach my child to not depend on anyone and anything, ever. I was so hurt by my needs not being met, I unconsciously ensured my child doesn’t need to wait for anybody ever to meet her needs. So in a way, I fucked it up, but the other way. This is a kid who was sent out to work at 14 (3 h washing up on a Saturday, not the mines), has a pension since she was 5 years old, could cook from the age of 8 (as in proper meals) multiple citizenships, drives since she was barely 17 and is totally unflappable. Not sure I sorted it right, I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing, I just didn’t want her to feel the pain I did.

My mum just seemed to get more and more distant as I grew up. I don't think she potty trained me very well and as a result had loads of accidents at a child due to fear of missing out. The reaction each time was anger, frustration, shouting so I'd hide it and as a result never learn how to stop it until early teens!!! It actually really affected my life quite severely. I was an outgoing confident young child but by a teenager a nervous shy wreck. I'd avoid her from wake up to bedtime from the age of 12/13 until I left for university.
She just didn't try with me...
I won't be doing that with my toddler.
Mantra "accidents happen ".

I don't think counselling helps,nor does taking to friends in my experience.

I think life experience, getting on with life and having time to think helps more.

I believe most families have the I over different issues.

I ended up not only cutting off my mother, but also my older sister who kept re-creating family dramas I couldn't cope with. I feel sad about that but it was making me ill.

@BuddhaAtSea I also make sure my daughter is really independent as I was neglected and want to make sure she doesn’t need anyone, and so isn’t let down.
I didn’t realise this was why I strive to make her super independent. Thanks for helping me piece that together.