I wish I hadn’t of had a child.

[Notthelifeiwant]

I realise this is a taboo thing to admit but I just need to get it off of my chest.

I wasn’t that maternal to begin with, but my long term partner at the time talked me into having a child. He was aware of my mental health and I obviously only agreed if he would help out. Fast forward to a few months before she was born, he couldn’t of given a flying monkeys and just left. Ever since she’s been born he’s been in and out of her life and not hands on. Leaving me to do it all and raise her single handedly.
Daughter is now in year one and her behaviour is a bloody nightmare (she’s good at school though, so they are not willing to offer any support in the means of getting any referrals and my GP has also said because she is not misbehaving in school time there isn’t s way he can do one either!!! Which is seriously frustrating because for a nearly 7 year old her behaviour is off of the walls and it’s making me utterly depressed (I am seeking help, not very great help but the mental health services in my area are a disgrace)
My mum helps slightly (where she can), but she is getting older and even for my mum my daughter’s behaviour is starting to make her ill as she has no respect for my mum either!

I am much happier when she isn’t around (ie at school, any clubs she attends etc) and wish that I could go back to my old life. I didn’t want to be a single mum, I wasn’t cut out for it and especially not when my child is chipping away at my health to the point where I’m physically ill everyday. The heavy load of it all on my shoulders (constant illnesses, juggling work, trying to be there for everything, trying to stay on top of the house, etc) it’s exhausting and I’m completely snd utterly burned out. I can’t even afford to give myself a weekend away to recharge my batteries because money has been so tight recently, so I’m just fizzling more and more away to the point where I feel utterly dead.

I know it sounds awful but it’s how I feel, if someone told me I could take a pill and it would take me back to before I had a child I would take it in a heartbeat.
I realise I sound like the worst mother in the world, but I’ve bottled this up for so long and I just needed to get it off of my chest 😔😔

I think there areca lot of people who might love their kids but not like them. You are being brave saying it. Why do you think her behaviour is so challenging? Are u strict but dad soft or vice versa? If so this is confusing.

I never met anyone until after my fertile years. I do remember saying to a mate,I would have probably had 1 child to 'show willing'. I am sure people fall into parenthood because they think it is what people do rather than thinking about the full implications. I know you say you presumed your partner would be hand on. Good luck OP

I’d suggest she knows how you feel and is acting up for you. You need to find some way to connect with her and find the love.

Do her other grandparents help ?

Could you ask her dad to take her for a whole or maybe even look into respite care from social services, you sound utterly Ground down and need a break.

You are not alone either, it is a taboo bit really there are parents that feel this way, you don't hate your child but the being responsible for another vulnerable human is too much for you sometimes and life without that would be easier.

I mean this in the kindest way so please take it lightly.
What are your boundaries and rules like at home? Do you think there's something that could be improved? If she's behaving at school and ar clubs, that suggests she responds well to rules and boundaries.

Single parenting is utterly relentless isn’t it.

A couple of suggestions, they might already be things you’ve done endlessly, but hopefully one or two will help:

Do you know what’s causing her behaviour? Or do you have a suspicion that there is something there? If so parenting as though that thing is fact might help. So, if you think that she might have autism look at parenting autistic kids etc.

Im sure you’ve tried this but is there any way to get her dad to agree a fixed schedule for having her so that you know when you’ll get a break, even if it’s limited?

Does she do plenty of exercise and get plenty of sleep? Does she eat reasonably healthily? Those are the things which makes my kids behaviour a lot worse. I’ve also found martial arts really helpful in improving behaviour.

One thing which I always forget when I’m stressed with mine is how effective praise is. Can you really go over the top to praise good behaviour?

I know it costs money but can you try to do some activities which you actively enjoy with her so that she can see you genuinely enjoying your time together. What do you like? Or what did you like as a child?

Does she have friends who you can invite over on a weekend? Hopefully she’ll get invited back to give you more time.

Her behaviour could be a reaction to your feelings towards her. Your mental health will and feelings towards her will have affected how you've treated her even if you don't realise it.

Not all is lost though, you can turn this around. Have you spoken to your GP for help for your own mental health?

This.

It was my first thought too.

Do reach out for help. It is really good that you have told Posters on Mumsnet but telling people in real life is also important. Make it clear to your GP and teacher that you need support and if possible a social worker. Regular respite care for a weekend would be life saving for you. If possible speak to your ex partner's family and ask for help.
There is no shame in asking for help. It shares the burden .

Honestly I think you need ti just face up to the fact that you went along with ttc. So he may have promised you the earth blah blah, but you are a grown woman who is responsible for her own actions and you've become a parent.

Your daughter needs a parent to parent her. That task has fallen to you. It doesn't matter if you don't want to do it. You have to do it. There is no alternative.

So now you need to work on how you make this work for you both in a way which brings her out of it as unscathed as possible.

Please speak to HV and GP about parenting classes and any mental health support, or meds that they think will help. Speak to the teachers about how better to manage her at home. Put in some firm parenting boundaries. It won't be easy. At all.

But literally this is your only option. You made her. You owe her.

As PP said, ask your HV and GP about parenting classes and start imposing solid structure and routine in at home. The reason they won't diagnose her with anything or get you other support, is because the answer is right in front of you with how she is at school where there are predictable routines and consequences. Your life will be easier.

I wonder if she is picking up on the years of resentment towards her father and the situation you find yourself in. I would get therapy for yourself not her, as well as parenting input. She isn't the problem, her behaviour is a consequence of something and certainly not the cause of your MH issues.

Could she be autistic? I only ask this because my dd was very well behaved at school, but would come home and be awful to me. Please don’t think I am just labelling your dd, but your post just sounded familiar. Girls are (nearly always) diagnosed at a later stage because they hold it together at school but the stress of that is too much so they release it the minute they leave.
I would speak to school anyway. Even if they’ve said it’s nothing, I would point out that it could be something.
Please also be kind to yourself. Do you have any friends that can help you out?

Totally normal to feel this way. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it must be to do this alone after it was in many ways pushed on you. You have my sympathy but I do think you could work on the relationship with her to make it easier on the both of you.

i think you might be holding a lot of resentment to your ex. Maybe get some counselling to help move past this. I know I pass resentment to my partner onto my kids sometimes and I’ve been better now I realise this.

On her behaviour, this is fixable. If she’s good at school and a nightmare at home then maybe have a think about how you can build a better relationship.

what does she like doing.
what activities do you do together.
can you introduce some fun routine (involving cooking and cleaning)
can you work on a reward system for good behaviour.

have a proper think, and even talk to her about it. You could open with telling her how much you love her, then address how some of her behaviour makes you feel and ask what you could both do to change this. Ask her what’s going on. Be communicative.

if your disconnected, she will play up. As much as it can be hard at times, you’re in the now, so it’s up to you to make it work. I do think you need a break too. As pp say, get ex to have her and get away. It will give you the space to reflect.

you will get there, but if you let this sit, you’ll only make both of you more miserable. Like all relationships, sometimes it takes work.

sending hugs

PP just breezily suggesting respite care and MH support are living in cloud cuckoo land. It’s pretty near impossible for even parents of children who require 24/7 nursing care with to obtain access to respite services with the state of things. Do you seriously think OP can just turn up at the doctors and say “my child has no diagnosis and attends mainstream school successfully, but can you please get someone to have her at the weekend for me?”. And OP has already said she’s trying to get help for her depression but, as we should all be aware at this point, MH services have been stripped to nothing.

OP, this sounds so tough. I think you have to try and let go of the bitterness about the choices you’ve made. There is no pill; you can’t go back. Don’t waste the headspace on regrets. You need to just deal with the life you’ve made and work on getting the best out of it. Try and press the school again because it’s possible that there is a children’s MH service that they can refer you for or a parenting workshop. The squeaky wheel gets the oil so it’s possible that you just need to keep chipping away at it.

Contrary to PP, it’s not a given that just because DD can behave at school that she could therefore do the same at home. Girls with ASD are notorious for masking very effectively at school which is partly why they are often diagnosed so late. They can’t (and shouldn’t have to) mask 24/7, which is why behavioural problems happen at home. If you feel that there are additional needs, keep pushing at the GP and at school. Tell them exactly how difficult it is and how it’s affecting both you and DD.

As others have asked, how do you manage the behaviour at home currently? What kind of boundaries and consequences do you put in place?