Abusive ex demanding more visitation time - scared

[happylittletree]

My ex literally only cares about money. I think that he is mentally unwell and has an obsession with it.

When I left due to coercive control and financial abuse, he said that he could not possibly care for our child for more than an afternoon at a time. Then he realised that he would pay less maintenance if he had overnights and he eventually forced an arrangement where I had our child every working day and he got more weekend time.

Fast forward to two years ago, when he got a girlfriend. She didn't like having to look after our child during unless her own child was also there. Within the past six months, he forced me to change the days again, so his girlfriend could take our child to an evening activity with her child.

Every stage of this has been characterized by lots of harassment. Both my ex and his girlfriend make dropoffs so unpleasant that I dread it. My ex sends many, many emails intimating that I am a bad mother and he and his girlfriend offer a better home life.

The girlfriend just had a baby a week ago. My ex has just sent the first email in his new harassment campaign saying he wants another night with our child.

My child strongly prefers being with me and often cries about having been away so long after visits with the father. But my child has been brainwashed about the new family and at the moment desperately wants to spend time with the baby.

I am terrified about what my ex has up his sleeve. I don't want to lose time with my child and I don't think that my ex's home is a good environment. He and his girlfriend are unstable and mean people.

You dont have to do it just because he sends a letter, the only time you do is if it is dictated by the courts.

Is contact formalised through court or do you just negotiate between yourselves?

@Boardname it's informal.

I am not sure whether he would take me to court because he is so cheap. But he is a lawyer and may be nuts enough to represent himself if he perceives that this will save him money.

He and the girlfriend harassed the shit out of me to force me to agree the last change. I don't know how I can bear it again.

Just re-read his email (it's very long).

He says he will be applying to the court to have my child most of the time.

You need to record all the harassment. You can show how well you've done being accommodating despite all this and you can show how they use your kid with the girlfriedns. You're in a great position, there's no way he will get the majority of the time. Also he will have to have set days that can't be changed if through court so he won't like that. And set maintenance. If you dint want change just stop giving into this piece of shit. Let him take you to court. He does this behaviour because you've shown him it works. Just stop and he will get worse at first I'm sure. Stand your ground, you can do this.

@Morechocmorechoc

I had been keeping very good records but I fell off of it a bit recently. I'm filled with regret.

They all say that. Honestly don't give it another thought.

My court experience was fantastic, I laid out the contact I thought was in DDs best interests, the court agreed, I was praised and ex was massively told off for his behaviour towards me. Now not everyone has that experience ofcourse but it's not always the end of the world. As it is DDs dad now barely sees her, just once a week after telling me he was going for 50:50. Still begrudge every penny in CSM that I get but so what.

What you do need to do is start putting some strong boundaries in place regarding contact. Swap your number and email address and stick your current sim in a phone you only turn on the night before contact (incase of cancellation) and during contact for emergencys so you can control the barrage that you get from him. On handovers do it on the doorstep, have DC ready and then just say goodbye to them and shut the door, don't get dragged into a conversation.

I think you need legal advice on this, make it all official at the moment he’s calling the tune you need to stop that.

I would let your daughter go see the baby, but have a commitment so the visit will be short. Then first thing Tuesday get your own solicitor

@Singleandproud my ex has a list of things about me that he claims mean I am not a good parent. I don't think any are actually true, but it's the narrative he has built. I'm so afraid that he will represent himself and slander me, force me to answer his insane charges

You can’t live your life like this, it’s not fair on you or your child I think it would be better going to Court and get a fixed timetable of visits sorted out. What’s to stop him asking for another day in 6 months time, then another.

That’s good advice single and proud

Thanks, I will probably get in touch with my lawyer.

@Mindymomo

@Singleandproud

Thinking about it, maybe this is a good opportunity actually. If we have a court-ordered schedule, at least I won't have to deal with him as much.

Do any of you know whether the court would make an order regarding school holidays moving forward? I tried to ask my solicitor this but got no response. My ex basically refuses each year to agree anything in advance so I can never plan my life.

They can do, but a court order just sets out when you have to make the child available it doesn't make him take the child at those times.

I'll list my original order below, I worked termtime only until very recently so it has flexed over the years if ex had special occasions or his work pattern changed and once DD reached 12 she organised contact directly which she generally only does on a Sunday now.
First we built up contact at a contact centre and then once she was with him for a full day this is what I put forward and the court agreed.

Contact midweek 8:30-6pm Wednesdays (school pick up - 6pm once she started school)
No overnights until DD is 4 years old.
Contact EOW 8:30 Saturday - 6pm
Sunday (this never actually happened, DD didn't like sleeping over so he'd bring her back Sat night and pick her up again Sunday morning)
Contact 8:30-6pm on the relevant parents birthday / Mother's and Fathers day.
Childs birthday and Christmas alternated each year.
Christmas contact 12 noon Christmas eve to 12 noon Boxing day (I wanted this so DD could enjoy the full Christmas experience with whichever parent and then we just recreated Christmas eve / Christmas later in the week).

Ex moved 45 miles away when DD was 11 and has a new baby, so lots of the flexibility we had has now disappeared. She dropped the midweek contact on starting High school as it was pointless.
Now she sees her dad every Sunday after rugby which means she's only with him from 1pm - 8pm now.
She doesn't see him as a parent and described their relationship as him being like an Uncle which is fine.

When we were going through the courts my ex was telling me how hed get 50:50 and I better get used to not seeing her and I'd never get a penny out of him. In reality even with the above schedule he couldn't stick to it, work got in the way. I was happy to be flexible as I had all the school holidays with her and after job hopping to avoid paying me for a while I've got my £200 CSM a month every month for years.

Go back over all the emails and any messages and make a timeline, what he said, what prompted it, your reply, when you've been accommodating etc.
You need to show that you have tried to maintain the status quo.
Then see your solicitor, you can apply to court for access to be set up / formalised.
People like your ex are used to getting their own way by bullying.
There are steps you can take to protect yourself, separate SIM card, emails checked once a week, say goodbye to your DC inside the house, open the door to let them out then shut it at pick up, open the door at drop off then immediately close it even if the ex or girlfriend tries to speak to you, say "any conversation needs to be conducted via email"
Your ex doesn't get to call the shots, he thinks you're weak, that's why he does it, prove him wrong.
Remember that people only treat you how you allow them to.

In terms of school holidays you could have it written that Parent A has child Sat - 12 noon Wednesday and Parent B has 12 noon Wednesday - Sunday during half terms. Or split it by whole half terms, personally I found DD exhausted and needed lots of down time during the first part of the hols so wouldn't have agreed to that as she often got run down.

Summer you could alternate whole weeks or split the hols in half so 3 weeks each so you can book holidays away.

@Singleandproud oof, sounds like your ex was extra terrible if you could push those kinds of arrangements from early on.

Mine is mentally unstable (I honestly think this) but maintains a veneer of respectability. He's Oxbridge educated, has a fancy job and very posh accent, etc

I am foreign and I work full time. The new girlfriend doesn't seem to work at all. I am afraid that he will use the fact that I use after school club as an argument why he should have our child more (even though he doesn't personally care for the children - it's all his gf)

@Singleandproud honestly I would accept whatever a court would order regarding school holidays. My ex wants full flexibility and refuses to agree anything in advance.

@Campervangirl there is a lot of wisdom in your post!

The emails from him are so extensive that it will take months to catalogue them. He writes multiple paragraph messages several times a month. We recently exchanged 100 messages over the course of a month when I was trying to agree the school holiday schedule.

I'd Copy those then op, or.screenshot and print and highlight the important bits and add the whole lot to your records... Be faster that way and you can have everything to hand when needed... Good luck xx

He has just emailed demanding mediation. He's serious.

Mediation is fine, you go with what you are comfortable with offering and make sure it is in the child's best interests. You offer a little less initially, he goes with his demands, you barter a bit and if you don't come to a reasonable conclusion then you go to court.

What are your actual current arrangements right now? Do you have actual concerns over how he / his gf look after and treat your DD other than that they can be mean?Unfortunately some people are mean but she will be with you most of the time. Are they unkind to her?

The standard starting point for the courts is one midweek and EOW ranging to 50:50 if appropriate.

If you currently do Mon-Fri and he gets all weekends then that is not fair. So I'd want to redress the balance there. As I mentioned above DD prefers one weekend day with each parent and this works well for us as she didn't like EOW.

Although you will have less time with your child you actually gain in quality time. All your chores can be done when your child is with their father and you get some me time to rest too which is important. I completed an OU degree by studying during the time DD was with her dad.

Yeah.. every weekend would be so so so unfair. Perhaps he can have DD Mon-Fri and you can have her every weekend. Hmm, maybe he'd reject on the basis it's so unfair.. orrr....

Courts will look at what is in best interest of the child, not what one parent wants to happen. If he wants mediation then I’d agree to it. Get yourself prepared and I’d create a spreadsheet for the next year with all the dates for each of you. Include term time and holidays. Definitely don’t just give him each weekend. If he wants models then he is responsible for collecting DD and providing childcare if he’s working.

He will be thinking he can use mediation to prove how unreasonable you are. Use that to your advantage. Draft a reasonable contact proposal then watch him provide a variety of reasons why your suggestion is utterly ridiculous 😃 He’ll have to show why an equal, certain and reasonable contact schedule isn’t in the best interest of your DD.