Anyone else hate their husband whilst on maternity leave?!

[EL8888]

We have 2 months old twins, we are 1st time parents, lm on maternity leave and he’s back working full time. I know part of it is tiredness (and probably hormones!) but he’s driving me insane. Fair amount of performative parenting, says l don’t do enough around the house and lots of waking me up. Gets annoyed when l ask him to not leave them unattended in the feeding pillow (twin 1 fell on the floor the other week when he did this) and actually use the baby monitor. Waking me up happens when he takes the babies out of our bedroom, puts them in the nursery, leaves all doors open and then wanders off for his coffee / cereal routine. I appreciate he is involved with them but when the shoe is on the other foot. l take them out, close our bedroom door, close the nursery foot and get on with changing them etc

A couple of weeks ago he said in some ways he wished it was like the “old days” I.e. traditional gender roles and me doing all baby stuff with him bringing home the bacon. Looks all wistful and sad, then he said at least l would make his dinner. I had made his fucking dinner! I was gobsmacked he had forgotten that within an hour or 2 of him eating it

I don’t think he realises what it’s like for me. Recovering from a c-section, stuck at home, my body isn’t quite how it was before and the babies can be demanding -there are 2 of them. I see on Facebook twin groups there are mums who have people coming round most days to help them. I do it all on my own, unless he’s back from work

Wow I'd be giving him a dressing down. Thinks he's the hero does he?

You have just had two babies, body and hormones adjusting, life adjusting. He wakes you up... Why? Sounds abusive to me.

says l don’t do enough around the house and lots of waking me up

I'm sorry... what?!

You're an absolute champ having twins. I'd feckin murder him. Plain and simple.

Maybe suggest he stays at home with them for a day on his own while you go out and have a well earned break so he can see how much work it involves when you're doing it alone.

I have considered murder! It’s not Home and Gardens here. But l do a world of washing, make all lunches, make 50% of dinners, some cleaning (we have a cleaner who comes fortnightly who does a big once over), food shopping etcHis main responsibilities are washing up, feeding the cats and putting the bins out.

He had the cheek to moan about putting their mobiles up in the nursery and said l was “rushing”. They’re 2 months old!!! Should we wait until their 15th birthday?!

I did this the other day as l had a long medical appointment miles away. He was frazzled when l came back and went on about them being sick. They are babies and have reflux?!

No housework or cooking had been done 🙄

Oh and his attitude towards my c section is l have had my 6 week appointment so it’s all healed and back to normal. Probably cue me painting the house or re-turfing the lawn. How could l be completely recovered after 2 months?!

He does think he’s a hero. I think his mummy has also been in his ear. He’s started nonsense about me going back to work part time -lm not. We are both going to reduce our hours a bit and use a child minder, well that’s scar we originally agreed

He’s got a dressing down and it’s been a weekend of arguments.

I have lost all my baby weight and finished off a level 3 course the other day (the pregnancy and twins bit was unexpected so l had already started the course. So lm not doing nothing. Everyone else seems impressed about how lm getting on

I've a space under my patio with his name on it. What a twat

When my DC was born we had takeaway every night for 4 months straight. The fact that you are cooking at all is very impressive to me. Stop doing his laundry, doing things that only effect him and he will soon realise how much you do!

@QueenBitch666 I am happy to provide an alibi, can’t help dig, as I have a dodgy back.
@EL8888 I think you are doing amazingly well for 2 months in. I did go back to work at this point ( only 1 DC and no c section) so DH had to cope in the evenings on his own. He soon learned what was involved.
Can you divide up your weekend to a sleep in for you, a sleep in for him, family time and a couple of hours of me time?

I'd either be looking to husbands of friends who aren't being cunts to their wives to give him a good talking to or, more likely, I'd leave him.

And we’ll all provide you with an alibi!

You sound amazing. He is a dickhead.

What a prick. He needed a dressing down. You have two month old twins, you are doing so well. My youngest is a pre-schooler and I still haven't lost the "baby" weight fwiw. The early days are hard enough with one, and you have two. It's difficult enough keeping the house tidy with one, let alone two small babies.

We are both getting up in the night to them. But l think he is working up to weasling out of that -there have been major hints about how tired he is and how long it can continue for. He’s very keen to say “but l need to get up for work” and obviously my counter is l need to get up to care for twins. It’s all well and good saying sleep when they sleep but with 2 there are no guarantees they sleep at the same time. They often don’t!

What frustrates me the most is l set my stall out. I made it clear l am on maternity leave, not being a house keeper / domestic goddess leave. They have run us ragged today and that is with 2 of us here

In all honesty lm not especially enjoying maternity leave. Part of me is wondering if that is due to me not meeting his expectations? I mentioned the idea of going back to work early and he was super unhappy with this. I got accused of “threatening him”, when in reality l was discussing options

Physically l haven’t been too well but he hasn’t been that supportive about. He just minimises and expects me to push on -which l have. Needless to say if he’s ill any time soon, he won’t be getting any passes

I went back to work early as I could not handle staying at home.
Work was much easier than being a SAHM. (I got a toilet break at least).
Push back at the suggestion of him sleeping all night (unless he is a surgeon).
We divided up time so I handed him child when he walked in the door, then I went to bed (around 6- midnight). I then got up and did midnight to 6 am so we both got some sleep.
Could he handle both on his own?

I am so sorry. This must be so frustrating.

I told my husband if he doesn't want to help with the cleaning and cooking that is fine, but he needs to get an other job on the side, as I will need to spend money on paying a cleaner, nanny and a cook.
Tell him he either uses his free time doing parenting (which he should anyways and that's includes house work) or bring in more money and you get help.
Having twins and no help? I am sorry but he must be insane. Unfortunately, his mindset isn't right and you won't be able to convince him asking nicely.

UPDATE: l am moving to full on loathing of him. It was my turn to have a lie in but babies cried from 7.30am to 8.10am with the nursery door open. I have enough at 7.50am and get up to close the nursery door. We then have a row as l did it loudly apparently (doors handles are rubbish design where they don’t have a turning mechanism and you have to push doors open / pull them shut with the handle). Then they cry for another 20 minutes, with yes you guessed it the bedroom door open again. I have politely told him about this a number of times and l have had weeks of him doing this. That’s before we even get to their crying -l have food ready normally before bum change to try to minimise them being agitated

@Tina8800 literally no help or babysitting from others. We did have a fortnightly cleaner to try to keep a minimum standard of cleanliness but we’ve recently parted company. She was frequently phoning in sick meaning it was more like a monthly clean which is kind of pointless

@Weenurse so tempted to go back to work early! I would love an uninterrupted meal -l only got to finish my dinner at nearly midnight last night and then went to bed

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I barely coped with having one baby with a dad who wasn't an arsenal, I can't imagine how you're dealing with two and a selfish man-baby.

I'd definitely stop cooking and cleaning and just focus on your babies and getting through the day. If he won't cook, order takeaway or do ready meals. Task him with finding a new cleaner.

Your right, he doesn't understand. No one can whose not been in your position but he does sound especially ungrateful

All I can say is I only felt human again when my son started sleeping through the night.

I work full time shifts and my husband got a total shock when I went back to work to how much full time child care really takes out of you (and that was when my son was mainly sleeping through). Got a few pictures from him of them both up at 3am looking miserable and tired eating snacks on the couch.

Cause I breastfed and didn't want us both grumpy I did all the night wakings. I swear when he mentioned being tired it made me physically furious and I'm not generally an angry person

My good friend learnt from me and after he had a baby and i asked if he was tired he said "no, Katie has been an absolute trooper up with George though the night and I get to sleep a decent amount so I have nothing to complain about". Smart man

I'm furious for you.

I'm so sorry you don't have more support and encouragement.

You're doing amazingly well.

Lots of twins in our family here, parents unanimously state that the first year is hell. It puts a lot of pressure on your relationship.

I really feel for you... no advice really except your need to tell him that he needs to take a growing up pill, and quickly.

Don't worry about going back to work early if that's what you choose. Twins are hard bloody work!!

Hugs OP x