How to encourage good sibling relationships?

[Babyflow]

I’m currently pregnant with my second child, DS will have just turned 7 by the time they’re born.

I have a few siblings but barely spoke to them at all growing up as my Mum discouraged us from having a relationship. I haven’t seen any of them in over a decade because they’re basically strangers to me.

I really don’t want this for my DC, I want them to be really close. How do I encourage this? DS really wants a sibling,
we actually decided to have another because he was asking so much (we didn’t mind either way) so that’s definitely a good start.

Any tips?

A big thing that I’ve learnt from is that my mother used to always give the youngest child their own way, so that the older children resented them because they were constantly told off for having boundaries and had to hand all their stuff over to the youngest without complaint.

Encourage their own activities and friendships. Have fair rules - no hitting, no leaving people out. Mine had a few special toys each everything else was shared and just "toys" etc.

Listen to them, don't favour either. Get them want they need to always get them both something.

Read how to listen so kids will talk and talk so kids will listen, siblings without rivalry. Both excellent books based on research.

I worked really hard to foster the relationship between mine. I think you can brief all visitors to focus on the older one first. My dd liked it when people said "Can you show me your little brother?" Another thing I think helped was allowing the older one to see that I found the baby a bit of a pain in the neck too. I used to (on my MIL's advice) say things like "Oh dear, he's crying. I'll just feed him quickly, then we can do [something more interesting]" Remember, the baby really just needs to be fed, safe and comfortable in the early days. The older child has emotional needs that should be met. This is a subject very near to my heart!

7 years is a big gap so I think you have to be very aware that there's not a lot they can do 'together' and potentially split the pack between you and DH quite a lot. By the time the baby is walking, your elder child will be 8ish and I suspect would very much resent a small toddler being in and out of their things - so you need to baby-proof their space and also be very encouraging of them setting kind boundaries. Things like 'all toys are just toys and belong to everyone' just won't work with this age gap.

The best advice I've ever got is be a commentator not a referee when they're arguing so they never feel like you're taking sides.

So if they're arguing over the tv instead of solving it in 2 seconds by saying right X you choose now and Y you can choose tomorrow. You'd sort of say 'right X wants to watch Mr Bean but Y you want to watch Barbie that is a problem. Luckily you're both really clever I'm sure you'll come up with something'. Then you wait 45 minutes while they come up with a solution similar to the one you would've said anyway.

It's frustrating as fuck but it does work and helps develop their conflict resolution skills too.

Just by doing things together. Do not force it. Do not make the older child responsible for the younger. Do not say things like 'why can't you behave more like X', or 'X likes this so you will too'.
Seven years age difference and they will be into different stuff. Do not make the older kid HAVE to include the younger in their activities and play dates. It's doing stuff together as a family that will encourage their relationship.
But some siblings just don't get along.
And be prepared for some jealousy from the older child - be sure to do one to one things with him that do not include the baby too.

With a 7 year age gap it could go either way - some I've known to be quite close others not at all as it's akin to a second family situation with that kind of gap. You can't force them to bond - they are going to be at totally different stages in life with little to no shared interests

Make sure eldest gets plenty of 1:1 time. Babydom/toddlerhood takes aaaaaaages from the perspective of an older child, it's such a long time until they can really do things together. So a bit of tag-teaming is necessary, and make sure you take it in turns as much as possible (something we really haven't managed!!!). Nice family time helps sibling relationships - outdoor is great because little one isn't as likely to be wracking eldest's stuff! E.g picnic with some of eldests favourite treats. Can also be very good to take your kids out with a friend for eldest so they have company to compensate for getting less of your attention/conversation. So if you go swimming you'll have to hang into your little one soinvite a friend along.

As a previous poster said above, the age difference may mean that their bond/relationship will not be as close as you may like.

By the time your youngest turns 3 and starts being aware of forming strong relationships, your eldest will probably be out with his mates every waking minute, or hiding upstairs in his room watching films or playing on the play-station etc

Atleast you won’t have to worry about them fighting over toys and having to teach them how to share as I doubt a 10 year old will want to play with toys meant for a 3 year old 😂

You shouldn’t really have any sibling “pushing and shoving” to worry about or tantrums and arguing either as your eldest will be long past that stage by the time your youngest comes of age when those behaviours typically begin.

I imagine there are different kinds of challenges that come with harnessing good sibling relationships with bigger age gaps, as opposed to situations where the children are off similar ages (1-3 years age gap etc).

There are 3.5 years between my two children and thankfully they are incredibly close despite that gap, which I would have preferred to have been smaller. The first 12 months were tough in terms of sibling jealousy from my eldest but it was hard for him being in the house all day with me and wanting my attention but me being unable to give it as I was stuck to the baby. When my eldest started school and had his own time and space it definitely made things easier, so you have that benefit too I.e your eldest will be occupied with his normal daily life of being at school with his friends that he probably won’t have need to feel like the new baby is taking you away from him as I think this can be a huge factor in why some sibling relationships don’t start off too well.

I think it helps as my two children are of the same sex as they have identical interests so it’s very easy to cater to them both at the same time.

One of my good friends has two siblings, one who is 2 years older than her, and one who is just under 8 years older than her. Although she didn’t really ‘grow up’ with her eldest sibling because of the age gap, she has the best relationship with him as a result of it. She and her other sibling (the two year age gap) aren’t close at all because they basically squabbled their way through their childhood and jealousies arose for various reasons. She wouldn’t say she is particularly close to her eldest sibling because of the age gap, but she gets on far better with him because that same age gap meant they didn’t have ill feelings towards each other when they were children because they were always at different stages of their childhood and teen years etc.

All this is just my own thoughts and musings though as I can’t really give you any valid advice as I do not have any experience of parenting two children with a larger age gap so I don’t really know what challenges arise from that.

I hope some parents come along who have children with a similar age gap so they can share their experiences with you and give you the guidance you would like.

And huge congratulations on your pregnancy - no matter what future challenges may arise, a new baby in the household will bring you all much happiness I’m sure.

Encourage lots of interaction between them, let your oldest help with feeds, bathing baby etc.. as they get older the little one will probably become that annoying younger sibling you just have to make sure there are boundaries and the older one has personal space but still involved with the younger one.

Im NC with one sibling and LC with my other so I know how you feel, I desperately want my DDs to be close.

We have a very strict no fighting rule, if they have problems we try and let them sort things themselves, I constantly tell them they are sisters and they are the most important people to each other, one day when DH & I have gone they will be the only one who will remember their childhood together. Of course there are moments, lots of bickering and why has she got xyz we explain how ultimately they get treat the same just might get things at different times. We don’t accept rude behaviour towards each other, I try and teach them to speak to each other the way they except to be spoken to. We talk about respect a lot and always looking out for each other.

Having one on one time each with you and DH is important. We try and make sure all ours get some one on one parent time just for them so they don’t feel one is getting it more. They obviously see things differently through their eyes, they see my youngest getting more attention and things, I explain that they got the same when they were that age they just don’t remember.

They get things at the same time for the most part, at certain ages they get certain chores, ears pierced, phones etc.. so they know they are treat equally in those regards.

Last year I watched 2 sisters from my DDs school punching and kicking the shit out of each other on the park, they mum just rolled her eyes and shouted oi stop. These girls were 8 & 10 and in my DDs years. I told my DDs afterwards if I ever saw them do that to each other I’d be ashamed and would never forgive them. They looked at me and I remember my oldest saying I know DD2 is a pain mum but I’d never do that, she was mortified her friend had. Don’t get me wrong my dds aren’t angels, I’ve seen a sly dig here and there but I call it out before it escalates, most of the time they’re just messing anyway.

There is a 6 year gap between mine and, now in their 20's, they are unbelievably close and always have been.The reception teacher had to ask me to speak to DC1 when the younger one started school because they kept popping over at break time to check DC2 was ok!
I agree with the poster who suggests "allowing the older one to see that I found the baby a bit of a pain in the neck too". I think DC1 quite enjoyed choosing which bedtime story to read or TV programme to watch 'for the baby'.
Mine have always enjoyed the same activities once the younger got to around 4, although this always seems to be stated as a problem on MN. Riding, theme parks, dog walks,swimming, cooking...everything really.
I am 10 years younger than my next in age sibling, and we are also close although, when I was between 8 and 19 we didn't do much together.

I'm in a different situation because my older child is 2 and a half, but if they're both crying and the baby is safe I go to the big one first. We also talk about "our" baby a lot and he adores her. At least with a seven year old you probably won't have to stop them waking up the baby by poking.

We have a 5 year age gap. Older one adores the baby. It might change as the baby becomes more mobile (and "annoying"), but things that have helped are the following:

• DC1 being at school all day and having their own separate friends and activities.
• Baby brought DC1 a lovely present when they arrived.
• School and friends made a huge fuss of DC1 when the baby arrived... they got a certificate for being a great older sibling and all their friends were really interested in the baby. So lots of positive attention and they were very proud of "our" baby (as someone above said). "Isn't our baby good?" "Isn't our baby cute?" "Our baby has learnt to smile".
• Trying not to say "no, don't do that" too much if there isn't an immediate danger. Instead, I say "I'm not sure DC2 likes that, let's be a bit more gentle". DC1 has never ever been deliberately rough to the baby so I've not had to deal with that, but we've had overenthusiastic hugging and tickling. DC1 is not allowed to pick the baby up, obviously (and cuddles under supervision) but will play next to the baby's playmat/bouncer and the baby watches and smiles. Although now the baby is more active we have a "no small parts" rule and have moved some of older one's toys upstairs/ to the kitchen table out of reach.
• They have bedtime stories and cuddles together. DC1 chooses a story for them and one for the baby.
• DC1 is great at helping and being an extra pair of eyes and will fetch me if, for example, I'm having a bath and the baby wakes unexpectedly. DC1 will also amuse DC2 in the mornings for 5 minutes so I can get ready for the school run. They get lots and lots of praise and "DC2 likes you so much, don't they? You're one of their favourite people".

DC1 does miss out on a lot of attention due to DC2 and I find balancing them tough as DC2 is quite needy and a poor napper - DC1 is often left to play alone and get on with it. But I do try to make at least half an hour a day to do things with DC1 (read a book, a game) and I let them know how great I think they're doing the rest of the time. DC1 has had extra treats and days out with both parents (separately from the baby) "for doing such a good job helping to look after our baby".

We have a 5y age gap, and it is great. They love each other so much. I think a bigger age gap helps with rivalry, jealousy etc.

I don't agree with the advice from some posters to be disparaging about the baby as boring etc. You can show your DC1 that he is a priority without being negative about DC2. Don't make him always let DC2 have their way, even if he is cooperative and it would be easier!

Just let DC1 share in the excitement, talk about "our baby", let him have baby free time, and it will most likely all be great.

Thank you, 5 years is the perfect age gap imo but DS loved his own space so much that I was convinced he’d be an only child😂 Does DC1 enjoy playing with DC2 even though they’re less ‘good at stuff’ due to being younger?

Thanks everyone, some really great tips and it’s encouraging to hear about other siblings with a similar age gap getting on so well. DS is really looking forward to having a sibling, he loves making babies laugh and loves it when you get kids look up to him so hopefully all will be fine

I think mostly it will come down to personalities and if they feel like being close when they are older. Do your best when they are young but accept they are not obliged to be close later on. I’m speaking as someone whose parents are obsessed with us all being close - as a result of the pressure i’ve withdrawn from my family. If they’d been more relaxed about it, i would probably be close to a few of them.

I think 7y will have many of the similar advantages to 5!

Yes, they play together really well. They are 11 and 6 now.. will do stuff like lego and Sylvanian Families together. DD1 will video little scenes that DD2 acts out with her toys and make videos. Also play Switch games like Minecraft and MarioKart. DD1 will read to DD2 and teaches her to draw.

We have to be careful to make sure that DD1 gets time with her friends and to watch tv for her age, but they do most stuff together. Like your son, DD1 really wanted a sibling. She's never looked back!