Partner angry and irrational…how do I help?

[spoons125]

Hi everyone! I’m hoping to get a bit of help and support. We have a dd who is now 8 weeks old. She’s an ok baby as far as it goes - she sleeps a bit and now we’re bottle feeding so we can share the load a bit. I went back to work after 2 weeks but am wfh a fair amount (2-3 days a week), so am pitching in as much as is physically possible around the flat. I try and do all the chores, take the baby out to give her time to rest, etc etc.

The issue is that my partner is so, so angry and upset at me a lot of the time. She is obsessed with the fact I text my friends (not a lot or anything, just checking in) and gets really moody if she finds out I have been. Her mood can turn on a dime for pretty much no reason, and when it does she becomes really cold - sometimes to the point where she becomes quite mean, saying horrible stuff to rile me up. I try not to bite because I don’t think she’s herself, but it’s becoming hard to know what to do. I try my best to be a good partner and parent, I tell her all the time how well she’s doing and how proud of her I am, I organise help from our parents and friends…but it doesn’t seem to help. It is starting to upset me now and I’m worried about seeing her in the morning. I never know which version of her is going to be there and I’m on eggshells all the time because I only seem to manage to piss her off.

It seems to be sort of connected to her hormones/periods, but not always, and I’m worried she has ppd. she’s going to talk to the health visitor when they come around in a couple of weeks but I suppose I am looking for reassurance that this won’t last forever. Being a punching bag is playing havoc with my own mental health, and I’m starting to become really stressed and anxious about being around her. Did this happen with anyone else? What can I do to help?

Are you able to have an honest discussion with her and ask her if there is something that you've done or you're not doing that is particularly upsetting her and if she thinks she might be struggling with PND?

Me and my DH find we talk best in the car or somewhere neutral, like a coffee shop.

And yes you're right, she will have had huge hormone shifts during PG, Birth, BFing and now baby is FF your DW's fertility will be coming back which again is a huge shift in hormones. Plus she's had the physical burden of all of that and now she has another human that she's responsible for.

You say you try to do chores, you take the baby out, and you organise friends and family to come and help.

Do you do the chores without being asked/ without it being pointed out that X or Y needs to be done?

Do you do any of the admin or planning that is involved in running the house? Checking when bills are due, paying them, being aware of annual renewals, keeping track of stuff you've run out of, compiling a shopping list, going shopping, ordering a delivery, putting everything away, deciding what's for dinner every day...
Do you ever ask her what's for dinner?

Do you seek grateful thanks or praise when you've done a chore?

When you take the baby out, what work does this involve on your part?
Do you organise the nappy bag, the bottle of formula, change the baby beforehand, dress the baby appropriately for the weather, get the baby's blanket, put the baby in tbe pram, and get the whole caboodle out the door all by yourself or does she have to do all of the above while you then walk around for a bit with the baby?

Does your wife want friends and family around to help? Is it convenient or pleasant for her to have these people in the home?

When you say you 'share the load a bit' in the context of formula feeding, does this mean you do night feeds?

If not, don't discount sheer exhaustion as the cause of your wife's mood.

@mathanxiety yes to all the above! I do all the cooking and handle all the admin for the house. We’re both women and have always shared the burden of housework evenly, and I have taken on extra so she doesn’t have to do any heavy lifting there. I take the point about people being in the house though - my issue is that she’s becoming quite withdrawn and isolated, and seems happier after we’ve seen people and got out and about.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto we have had a couple of frank conversations. All she has said is about being on my phone and talking to my friends, so I try not to use my phone in the evening or when she’s around. But I’m also feeling very isolated (especially when she won’t talk to me) and this makes me feel even more cut off. She also says it feels irrational and then apologises for being all over the place. I just don’t know what to do when it’s actually happening!

Also, be honest about the texting - how many times has she found you on your phone when she's looking around at a couch strewn with muslims, a sink full of dishes, inches of dust in the window sills, etc?

Is it possible your wife resents the fact that you can disengage your brain from all that's going around you when she may well be feeling overwhelmed with a sense of responsibility (and too exhausted to even think about texting, etc).

@mathanxiety honestly, I don’t think this is it. If anything, I do the vast majority of chores. The house is together, the laundry is done, the fridge is full, dinner is on the table. I do night feeds every night, though that isn’t to say she isn’t exhausted anyway…

Looking back at my own post natal days, the exhaustion really set in at 6 weeks and by 8 weeks I was like a zombie.

Does she get a full night's sleep? It might be worth taking over the night feeds completely for a while, just to let her get a decent rest. She might not even be able to relax and sleep through for the first few nights (I know it took me years to be able to sleep without waking at the drop of a pin).

If you are already doing house admin, most chores, taking baby out to give her a break and sharing the load (or possibly taking the load) with night feeds then I'm not sure what else you can do.

If you can have a frank discussion about the possibility of PPD and seeing a GP then definitely do that. I wouldn't be waiting a few weeks for HV visit.

Also make sure you take care of yourself. I know the texting annoys her so it's very good of you to try and make a conscious effort but make sure you are taking care of yourself. Don't isolate yourself. Do everything you can to keep yourself strong as she will need you to get better and DD needs you too. Keep doing your best to be the best partner and parent you can but don't neglect yourself completely in the process. You are doing a great job!

Are you sure ? I'm not sure if I can believe this if I'm being totally honest?! How can you do all of this and work full time ? It's not possible

I'm on mat leave baby is 10 months and some days I struggle to do what you have described and my partner works very long hours but when he's here he takes the load but I do most of the heavy lifting because he is at work

It just doesn't sound right to me because what you've described doesn't sound possible!

Your partner's entire life and being have been rocked to the core. Emotionally, physically, practically, hormonally.... in every single way her life has undergone a seismic change. Giving birth and having a new baby can be traumatic, ie actually cause psychological and physiological trauma, even if relatively"straightforward".
She may well have post natal depression too. Do not underestimate the torture that sleep disruption and deprivation bring- the havoc it plays on mind and body is so debilitating.
Your life hasn't changed that much in comparison. She is probably bewildered and still adjusting and it can be hard to see you (not your fault- you just weren't the one to give birth, and someone's got to resume working life to earn) just tootling along WHEN HER SAFE OLD LIFE HAS BEEN RIPPED AWAY and replaced with one of all-consuming responsibility, stretching off into the future....
That's not to say she'll always feel like this!!! But she needs EXTRA from you for a good while. She needs her and the baby to be your ONLY priority outside going to work. What's that terrible phrase? Lean in!!! Get your head down for some hard work and no pissing about on your phone. There's always something better you can be doing directly or indirectly support her/ the baby/ the home.- looking after your child, cooking, cleaning, running a bath for your partner, sorting out life admin, changing the bed. Be proactive ie don't ask her- these things are a JOINT responsibility.

You should be able to text a friend around your wife - my husband works very long hours but still manages to check in with friends and doesn't need to wait until I'm not in the room or when I'm not around - I'd see that as sneaky

Definitely need to have a chat with her and find out why she's so angry

I'd put a guess that it's down to resentment of some kind - she feels she has the harder role
What you need to do is figure out why this is?

This ! It really sounds like you are disconnected and having realised the absolute upheaval has has gone through....my husband didn't go back to work for ages because I was so unwell but I was lucky to be in that position I know but my god did I struggle
I hope you get it sorted

It's perfectly possible to work full time and do lots of chores...

How surprising that most people are saying he's the problem.

To me it definitely sounds like post natal depression. Cognitive behavioural therapy helped me massively.

Just wanted to add that maybe your partner will feel like she doesn't have PPD. I was surprised when I learned there are many different ways of it manifesting such as post partum rage or post partum anxiety. I don't think they are all officially distinguished in medical terms yet but its worth reading into the all as she might resonate with those descriptions better

@Onionpeel I didn't say he is the problem
Infact if you see the op has mentioned they are both women

I just think it seems unusual in some of what op has described that's all but yes of course it may well be ppd but I also think some of the scenario described doesn't seem real life

My partner works full time and does a massive amount I'm very lucky - but I still do the majority which is loads so I have no idea how someone who works full time can do all the chores and night feeds and work full time - it just doesn't add up - I think maybe ops wife is doing more than op has stated and is probably fed up
PPD or not

The only way this will get resolved is to talk to your wife and find out - everyone will deal with it differently but communication is key

My partner couldn't return to work as I was so poorly - without his understanding and looking after us I couldn't have coped

2 weeks is not enough off for dads/partners

Do not underestimate hormones!

I had days i was a total mess when our eldest was a few months old. My entire identity had changed. I had always prides myself in my intelligence and ability to be well organised, but with the hormones and the sleep deprivation I felt stupid and useless. My DH would bring me a puzzle when DD was sleeping, the sort of thing we would have enjoyed together a few months before. It would make me really angry because I felt stupid and not like myself. AND HE DID THIS SEVRRAL TIMES AND IT GAVE ME THE RAGE.

Does she have support/company during the day? It's really lonely with a little baby, especially if you've been used to being out and busy. Sometimes this is easier out of the house as things are chaotic with a little baby -sudden nappy leaks can make you feel like you're not in control of anything any more.

It could be something serious like PND. Talk to her.

I do think that this sounds like PND. Hopefully your partner can reach out for some help.

Will you be there when the health visitor is there? Essentially I lied to mine as I didn't want to admit I wasn't coping. Eventually DH made an appointment with our GP and came with me. DH told the GP what was going on, although I felt a complete failure, I was diagnosed with PND and given the support I needed. With this diagnosis DH felt better able to support me knowing what was really going on.

I was exactly the same with my husband. Just seeing him asleep at night made me feel furious. Not his fault - in fact I'd told him to sleep so one of us stayed sane! - but the sleep deprivation was just torture. The rage / anger was terrifying to feel but totally out of my control.

Best advice I can give... don't expect your partner to behave like the a rational human she was before having the baby, if she's running off hardly any sleep. It's a standard that's impossible right now.

It sounds like you're being very supportive. Prioritise looking after your own mental health too and do encourage her to have a chat with the HV about PND.

This won't last forever!

This mum isn't running on no sleep though.
She's not watching her sleeping husband and seething.
He's doing all the night feeds.

And yes if course it's possible to do night feeds/wakings and be functional enough to work, cook and do chores. It's hard, but it's what most single parents have to do as most babies don't sleep through when mum goes back to work. Many babies still wake up 5-10 times a night plus their parents are working and/or looking after other kids

Is SHE though?

And that's not the case for everyone so speak for yourself !

How do you not know she is running on no sleep ?! God this makes me so angry
Be very interesting to see her side ey

Well we know he's doing all the night feeds. I mean, yes it's possible she's either holding or staring at the baby all night (but not doing the feeding 🤔) but the must obvious reason he's doing the night feeds is to enable mum to rest.

It's a SHE !! And ok because she says she is im sure she is 🙄