My mum and sister since becoming a mother myself

[Piggy1995]

I wondered if anyone could offer some support as I feel like I’m loosing my mind to be honest. I have always had an often challenging relationship with my Mum and sister where I have had to be at their beck and call for many years from a young age. They have needed lots of support (mum is anxious and sister is a single parent) which I have never ever had a problem with, they are family after all.

I had my beautiful little girl earlier this year and it’s been hell with them ever since. It’s been argument after argument between us. They are often incredibly rude about me as a person, my appearance and my relationship and it’s had recently gone on to slate my parenting to my face and behind my back. I have had zero support as a first time mum, they haven’t offered to come round and help. Have only demanded time with my baby when it suits them. They call my partner “controlling” because we work as a team and he’s honestly incredible and in no way controlling me. They can’t understand how I am happy to make decisions with him, leave bubs in his care at times and share his views on what they’ve said to me/ on parenting topics.

Recently all came to a head when they both shouted at me in my own home in front of my newborn saying how selfish I am for “living my best life” and “having another family” because I am so happy since having my little girl and they seem to hate seeing it.

I suppose I’m writing on here because is this normal? For a mum and sister to be so incredibly unsupportive? To slag me off behind my back when I’m trying my best?

My dad even phoned me earlier and said I was out of line and keeping my daughter from them which I’m not… I just haven’t actively reached out and neither have they. Any advice? Im starting to feel incredibly down about it all.

What does he mean by keeping your daughter from them? Have you said no, they cannot see her? If not then he is being an arse. It’s up to them to fit in around you now. I would pull back and concentrate on your own immediate family. You are not there to facilitate your parents or sister.

@Piggy1995 oh op I'm so sorry but they sound absolutely toxic and I think in your shoes I'd be keeping contact to an absolute minimum if at all to be honest. Your new baby is absolutely your priority now and it won't be good for her to be around that sort of disgraceful attitude they have towards you . They sound like they are very jealous of the life you have so are trying to cause you upset .

Yes sorry, I am keeping her away from them but I have never said they can’t see her. Nobody has come round or called in over a week so I guess that’s what he means.

Sorry to hear about what you're experiencing and congrats on your new baby. In a normal family parents and siblings should be so happy for you and doing whatever they can for you.

But sadly you grew up in a dysfunctional family (like me), and your family members do not care about you, only about what you can do for them. Instead of taking responsibility for things themselves, even down to their feelings, they will blame you.

This is not healthy and it is not normal, though sadly it seems to be too common.

Look up narcissistic abuse. From what you have written your mother is narcissistic and your father her enabler. Your sister is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. Lots of stuff available online about this and on the Stately Homes thread here.

You have a difficult road ahead, but the first thing is to realise their behaviour is not your fault and you do not deserve it and it is unacceptable. You ate a human being, a new mother who deserves to be treated with care and respect.

In my case my children were adults before I realised how badly I was abused. It has had major repercussions. I hope for you that you can clear the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) which would have been brought up in, and live a happy life with your family.

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Just tell them "Stay away until you can behave like adults".

Thank you all, it’s been so incredibly challenging and I was beginning to think it was me. I have been accused of it being my “hormones” or that I’ve changed since baby came along. I’m not sure I have, I’m just so happy and in love (which I’m so grateful for as I know others struggle). I will continue with minimal contact, I hope that might help with them realising but not holding out hope. Just breaks my heart watching my NCT group be wholly supported by their families and I have to lie.

Maybe they're angry that you're happy.

Do you want people like that in your life? Just cos they're related to you doesn't make them good people unfortunately.

It’s sounds like you’re just setting up your new family unit and they don’t like not being at the centre of it.

I would just be very firm with them (even if it caused an arguement) and tell them that you love them, their welcome to see your daughter but this is your family and you’ll do things your way. They will likely have a tantrum over it but persevere with the boundaries and they will soon realise they need to back off.

What sort of things are they unhappy about in regards to decisions you are making?

Theyre

First take deep breaths.

Then start to disconnect, emotionally and mentally, from your mother and sister.
You're a woman, a mother. Your opinions, your judgements on situations, your decisions, are all valid. In fact, they take priority. You can share that space with your partner, but your mother and sister have moved down in the pecking order.

What your mother and sister think doesn't matter so much anymore. If they behave badly, ask them to leave. Then don't invite them round and don't answer if they turn up unannounced. Meet them for coffee somewhere so you can walk away if you need to.

And don't believe a word your NCT group say. They're putting their best faces forward. The dark secrets of their home lives won't come out for a while, if at all.

These are just a couple of issues that have occurred since little one was born. I leave her buggy in the car overnight as we just don’t have the room in the house, my baby got a cold and Mum blamed me for it as the buggy will be ‘damp’. The guilt was unreal anyway without her saying that to me.

Both have accused me of dressing my daughter as a “boy” and that I don’t deserve one. My sister was desperate for a girl and never got one unfortunately.

Dress your baby how you like! What nonsense they talk.
Is your car 'damp' when you get in? Thought not. The buggy is fine.
Time to step back from these bossy so-and-so types.
'Piggy, you don't deserve a girl.'
'Maybe not, but I have one!'
'Piggy, your baby is in boy's clothes.'
'No, these are definitely hers!'
And so on.

Well it sounds like you are not keeping baby away from them, but I think you should. You have done so well to have a great family of your own despite your own being a shit show. Go forward with this and leave the past behind you. Go no contact.

NCT group members aren't going to admit partner having an affair, domestic abuse, mum is now a single parent. They want everyone to think everything is perfect.
I would meet your m and s on neutral ground and try to reach some compromise.
But when all is said and done do you really want this nonsense and drama in your lives? Your dc will see /hear all this rubbish as they grow up, is that what you want? I personally would cut them out of my life, but then I'm quite brutal I don't tolerate idiots and arseholes, and that has included members of dh's family.

They sound really awful. It is not you, it is them. I’m not sure if they’re resentful because you have less time to do things for them, or because you’ve had a girl and your sister is jealous, or because you have a supportive partner or some other reason but none of this is normal. I bet you’d be more polite and supportive to a stranger with a newborn than your family is being to you - screaming at a new mum, especially while her baby is there, is just awful. Your dad is also a disgrace for criticising you for taking some space from them. Please know that they are not good people and protect yourself and your baby from their influence. PS I also keep a pram in the car, it is not at all damp and won’t cause colds!

To start with, it looks like your relatives may be be jealous of you which would motivate them to behave the way they have towards you.

They probably realised that now you are caring for your baby, and of course doing really well with motherhood.....congratulations btw; that you will not be able to be as supportive to family members, like you did in the past.

Chances are, they are selfish and drain all your energy.

So long as your priorities are your new born baby as well as your partner, try not to worry about other family members, time really is the greatest healer.

Go no contact and if possible move far, far away. The whole situation is toxic.

They dont like your new confidence and happiness.
They preferred you at their beck and call.
Awful people

honestly join the stately homes thread on here. It will help you see the family dynamics clearly.
You need to stop them doing to your little girl what they did to you as they dont like you breaking away from.their influence.
You are obviously a lovely mum and going a great job so dont let them tell you differently x

Your mum and sister sound vile and toxic! I'm sorry you are going through this they should be showering you with love and support at a time like this. Sadly though from what you have said they have historically taken the piss out of you and bullied you into being their emotional punch bag and PA! Of course now that you have a baby and can't deliver their every need they are going to lash out at you 🙄. In my opinion your well shot of the pair of them as I would say this is just who they are as people and that won't ever change. You deserve to be surrounded by people who only want the best for you not people who call you names and constantly criticise you. It's so sad when the people who are meant to love you the most are actually the ones who treat you like complete crap. Enjoy your beautiful girl and please don't let them spoil this time for you anymore. P.s you do not owe them any contact with your daughter especially when they behave the way they do!

OP, it won't be long before your daughter is old enough to understand. Are you happy for her to witness the way they speak to you?

If not, you need to start getting some boundaries in place and fast.

I'm so sorry - they sound like horrible people! They should be happy for you if you're living your best life - isn't that what you want for people you love?

I would get over to the Stately Homes thread if I was you - I imagine lots of it is going to ring true for you.

Please don't pay them any attention!

You need to distance yourself from these toxic people.
It smacks of jealousy and trying to take you down a peg or two because you are happy.
You are a grown woman and a mother and deserve respect.

Crikey they sound several sandwiches short of a picnic.

See them as little as possible. Accept that it hurts not to have functional family.

Stop lying to your NCT group as they are unlikely to judge you and may be an alternative source of support.

Xxx