Can't force someone to be a parent but...

[CadburyDream]

How can I get my ex to see he needs to be more consistent? He is basically once a month contact and no overnights the last time he saw the children was 3 weeks ago despite living in the same city and not working but hasn't found the time to see them in 3 weeks? He last took them to the cinema and brought them straight home after but that isn't really quality contact and the kids said he was asleep the whole time and obviously you can't chat in the cinema anyway. He's now messaged again after 3 weeks asking if they want to go to the cinema again 🤦 the kids don't want to go and they don't really have any bond with him despite having their numbers he hasn't messaged them for 2 weeks going so long without speaking to them means the kids don't really feel like he is their father (my son said he doesn't have a father and doesn't like him). I'm at a point now where I really need to have a conversation with him about being more consistent and seeing them more often but this only seems to them into an argument. Any advice?

Do you mean you want him to see them more? Because you say he sees them once a month, hasn’t seen them in 3 weeks but has text to arrange a visit, which is still once a month?

Id reply and say they don’t want to do the cinema and suggest something else they’d enjoy doing with him like McDonald’s and a trampoline park or something. Because he may choose cinema as an easy entertainment option as he’s clueless and doesn’t no them well enough, but that doesn’t mean he won’t be open to other easy options that allow more communication for the kids.

On wether to discuss it with him it’s hard to say, depends if itl make him worse or better really.

Yes he doesn't work lives in the same city and doesn't have them overnight I feel once a week would be more reasonable given the situation. The kids are struggling having a relationship with someone they see once a month for a few hours. They are not even speaking in the monthly visits as this is the second time he has suggested the cinema where the kids said he was asleep during the film. I want to say he needs to see them more as it's now at a point where the children feel no bond with him don't consider him a father and don't want to see him.

Also this weekend will be the 3rd weekend and he isn't seeing them this weekend (He didn't ask this weekend and he makes no plans when to next see them Its just as and when we hear from him) it's just today that he has texted about it but didn't say when

How old are the children? Sounds like they are seeing him for what he is really and maybe that’s ok. Painful but ok.

I think it would be fine to suggest to him that weekly visits, with more meaningful interaction, is likely to mean a better relationship with his kids. However if he’ll hear that or not is on him. I think you need to be careful not to step into trying to push a relationship that their dad just isn’t capable of having. If he won’t step up you can’t make him.

That's it really I just don't want to force him to see them more when he clearly doesn't want to? I've have suggested in the past that he calls them to keep contact up when he doesn't see them but he wouldn't (He will only message on WhatsApp) but I also don't want to force them to see him when they don't want to 🤷 but this is down to his lack of effort.

Kids are 12 , 11 , 9 and 5

That’s so sad. Given their ages and that you’ve already tried to ask about calls I don’t think suggesting more contact is going to be successful. He’ll reap what he sows as they all gradually choose to stop seeing him. In all honesty if they were adamant they didn’t want to see him then I’d allow them to make that choice. He doesn’t sound like someone with enough where with all to bother going to court.

He is the absolute epitome of deadbeat. I think I’d stop making the kids go into the ‘care’ of someone so utterly pointless and disinterested in them, even just for an hour and a half.

Thank you that’s what I needed to hear really that I wouldn’t be wrong for stopping it, my kids don’t want to go I don’t want to make them. I was reading another thread where the father is seeing the child once a week and people saying that isn’t enough yet my ex is basically one a month (and sometimes longer if I’m honest) he has spent some time absent and has only been back in contact recently so really once a month is like seeing a stranger to them they feel like they have no relationship with him he is some man that picks them up once a month for a couple of hours then goes home. I thought after the cinema he could have taken them to McDonald’s to have a chat or something but nope straight home. There is no meaningful relationship at all.