How to explain autism is DS4 (being hurt at preschool)

[helpmeexplain]

DS4 is getting into confrontations with an autistic boy at preschool who has a fairly explosive nature. He's been bitten, scratched, whacked over the back with a big stick, kicked in the head ...

I'm working with preschool on it, but I also want DS to be able to 1) read the room (ie if you know someone is explosive and they're shouting at you over a toy, maybe don't stand your ground in that particular instance and 2) understand that not everyone is the same and some peoples brains work differently.

I asked preschool for them to recommend books etc but they haven't been much help. What they suggested re how to talk to him (people develop at different rates) isn't really working for me.

Can anyone recommend some books, techniques, good explanations etc please? I'm trying but failing.

So as not to drip feed, DS and I can both become hyper fixated on things and struggle to read the room (I'm in the process to being diagnosed myself! But it's a learning journey).

Wow that’s a lot of being hurt for a preschool! I think the first thing I do is let your son know it’s absolutely not ok for him to be being hurt like that. It’s quite a lot to expect a preschool child to manage interactions with another child on their basis of the other child’s needs. You can try but it’s a high expectation for your son.

We had a similar situation, but with a child with LD, when my son was little. I just told my son that this little boy was still learning how to manage his feelings in a way that doesn’t hurt others. Eg when he’s angry he doesn’t know how to manage feeling angry without hurting others. I explained that some people will always need to support to manage how they feel in a safe way or some might take longer to learn. It wasn’t an ideal explanation, but that’s all I could think at the time.

a while ago we had a book called “hey warrior” which essentially explained fight or flight responses in a child friendly way. That was useful and might be worth looking in to. It was about anxiety but I think would be helpful in exposing people reacting.

@Weallgottachangesometime That's great - thank you so much! Will look for the book now.

Wee bump in case there's any more advice out there

It’s not on your dc to manage this! I’d be wondering what pre-school are doing to keep them both safe.

If someone kicks your child in the head, they could cause brain damage. If someone starts attacking other children with ‘a big stick’ they could blind them

You need to protect your son, OP. It’s not up to a child of that age to de-escalate a violent situation.

That's absolutely not acceptable and you need to be complaining a lot to nursery that they are leaving your child vulnerable. It is not necessary to do anything to explain to your 4 year old to back down when someone is violent. That's basically victim blaming. If your son is also autistic he may be targeted in future and it's not helpful for him to think that's okay. Even if he isn't autistic in fact, that's still not okay.

There is a good book called the red beast, you can also find it on you tube, explains well about getting angry and the aftermath

I had the same with my child being hurt by a child who was being investigated for possible ND. I remember saying "look i understand what you are telling me and the child in question is struggling but it isn't my child's responsibilty to police that child's emotions. He's 4, he's got enough on trying to manage his own."
I don't think any pre schooler should be expected to know how to 'handle' situations like that. Blimey some adults struggle.

As above, nursery need to be keeping your child safe. That's the first and main thing.

The way I explained it to DD because she has a child in her class who has meltdowns that occasionally require the whole class to evacuate was like this.

• Everyone's brain works differently
• Some people the noise inside their head gets so loud they can't focus on anything else and it makes it hard to think. When that happens they just react and might get angry. They don't want to hurt you, it's not because they don't like you, it's because in that moment they just react.
• if you can see that they are getting upset, tell a teacher so they can help.

Nope. Your child is of pre school age and needs to be better protected by the teachers.

Thanks everyone. I'll try all of those explanations - trying to memorise them!

Got fobbed off a bit today but will make a proper appointment to talk about it. It does seem to be escalating

He’s 4, you teach him that you will protect him by ensuring he either isn’t hurt at that nursery or else you take him somewhere else.

I have an autistic child but the burden here is not your four year old’s.

4 is too little to read the room. He needs to be protected from harm. I do feel for the autistic boy too but your son can't manage this.

Stop teaching your child that violence can be minimised. Start teaching him boundaries, get some yourself, and either change nursery or get them to sort this pronto. It's quite possible your child is being targeted right now - not the fault of the other little child, but where are the nursery staff??

Absolutely this. Autism or not this is not on and your little boy should nothave to learn to manage this child's triggers