Another parent has twice accused my 6 year old of bullying

[DragMeOutOfIt]

As the title says really.

Yesterday was the second time the teacher has contacted me to say another parent has been in to say my child is bullying theirs.

Both girls are 6, and my daughter is undeniably bossy. The first time this happened I took what I think is probably too hard a line when I look back now. Daily reminders to be kind, quizzing her about who she played with, how she'd played asking questions until I was satisfied with the answers. I took their word for it rather than asking my daughter. Too much for her age I think!

I know for a fact this parent complained her daughter was being bullied once in school nursery, and twice in year one. All by different girls. The teacher told me today that all the children have been spoken to and while there's little things there's nothing more than what she would expect for her age group, although my daughter is at times too bossy. The teacher said she's going to keep her eye on the group - but this has been happening since the first complaint and she hasn't seem anything! She also maintained she didn't think it was bullying behaviour.

This parent however has used words such as controlling and manipulative to describe my daughter. She thinks she's something of a queen bee but I just feel so worried at pick up times etc. I've been reluctant to speak to her as she's definitely not going to listen to anything other than what she's saying. But who else is she saying it to? Would you approach her?

Hmm. The fact the child was bullied by other kids hasn’t much relevance I think, it sounds like you don’t believe that there were incidents with a few children bullying the child? I could be wrong but that was the impression I got from your post. It’s very possible they did get bullied in subsequent years by different kids, I think that’s pretty common, particularly if they were “an easy target” as such.
the fact the teacher does not see the bullying does not mean it hasn’t happened, I’d be a bit suspicious if she openly said your daughter was too bossy what was going on!

with regards to approaching the parent, I think it depends on what relationship you already have with them, if there is none I probably wouldn’t, but I would want to keep an eye on Things very closely and work on the bossiness if you can further as the fact it was highlighted to you, you might save your daughter problems down the line.
My concern would be the fact it’s a second complaint something must be going on, though you can’t be sure if it’s actual bullying without hearing the full story of what happened.

what are you worried about at pick up time, are you concerned the parent Is going to start trouble with you, or just that there might be more complaints?

i do sympathise, it sounds very stressful!

Thank you for replying.

Its not that I don't believe the others, or that I think my daughter hasn't done wrong, it's more that it all sounds like kids being kids to me. My daughter has frequently complained about this girls being unkind, but I just tell her to play with someone else. It all just seems to much to me and feels too much I think.

Regarding pick up I just hate tension. She fell out with the parents of the other girls and pushed them out. I'm not really in the circle, but I don't want to be talked about either, or my daughter being labelled something she's not.

I don't think it's relevant that the mum has complained before - some children do seem to be easy targets for whatever reason. I had to speak to DD's primary school about a variety of children being unkind to her over the years, whereas her best friends had no such issues - turns out she's autistic and I guess there was something different about her which attracted it.

It seems unusual for a teacher to describe a child as "too bossy" when they usually sugar-coat everything they say to parents nowadays. Do you know exactly what it is your DD is doing?

She's the same at home - Taking the lead in all games. We're playing this you're playing x or y character. I always remind her to be kind and tell her she can't always be in charge. It was me who used the term bossy to which the agreed. But she's also not the sugarcoat type.

They are in the same friendship group and they've all been spoken too, along with TAs lunch staff etc as the group has been watched since the first complaint.

Don't talk to the other Mum about it.
Tell her neither of you are there and it is up to the school.
Tell her you are in contact with the school and she needs to talk to them.
Maybe say if the school complains to me I will address it as necessary.

My daughter is now 8 and really struggles with the 'bossy' girls. She ends up being worried that she's going to be told off by certain friends for hanging out with who she wants or playing what she wants. If your daughter is dictating what games other children play or what they do then I would say it was bullying and you need to sort it.

From what I can gather though they're both exactly the same. They are both bossy and clash - but I do appreciate your point.

I'll talk to my daughter again, but apart from reminding her to be nice, share, take turns etc I'm not sure what else I can do, especially when I'm not there.

So two different parents have complained about your child being a bully?

No, the same parent twice.

Rather than just telling her, I would do some role plays with her to model how not to control each game.

Having experienced a similar situation where I had to say my yr1 daughter was being bullied (I actually said it was bullying behaviour rather than the other girl being a bully if that makes sense) it's really easy to say it's being kids when your kid is not the one on the receiving end.

I'm sure the other mum in my situation thought her DD was doing nothing wrong, but my daughter was the one being excluded at play time.

Don’t talk to the other parent.

Keep the lines open WITH THE TEACHER and check what’s going on - in a ‘ an i check there is no issue with dd potentially bullying another child’ way.

The reality is that you can teach your dd to behave at home but you can’t do a lot at school. That’s the remit if the teacher, who had a word with all the children etc….
Id carry on with what you are doing now at home.

Fwiw eldest dc has always been bossy. But because he us a boy, he has always been labelled ‘a leader’ rather than the queen bee or being too bossy.
Ive tried for many years to temper that. I tried to calm down his competitive streak. He is 22yo and he is still competitive and still ‘a leader’. Polite and caring but bossy and competitive.

What do you mean by bossy? Surely you mean she takes charge - in which case 100% she is being controlling.

Bossiness & the need to control usually comes alongside perfectionism and anxiety and even high IQ with girls this age. So if I were you I would take this very seriously and try to understand why she’s doing it. I would bet 100% at this age she’s getting frustrated by the other girls or maybe doesn’t understand (or try to understand) their perspective - which is natural at this age.

Sorry, I got confused with the first sentence.

I suppose it depends on the level of bossiness. If it a case of taking leadership that is very different than taking charge and it being "my way or the highway".

When a child won’t stand down, or won’t take direction from another child or adult, if the actions can’t be modified – this can be a sign of bullying. The bossy kid doesn’t learn how to behave, and “the bossed” doesn’t learn how to stand-up for him/herself. Everyone loses when authority figures don’t take a vested interest in this situation.
It’s actually really important for children to exert their will, and it’s incredibly important for other kids to fight it, and it’s of paramount importance for adults to regulate it. Bossiness, and how to react to it, is a normal part of growing up.

If your child cannot handle someone else being in charge for once you need to do something about it. Entitlement tends to go hand-in-hand with bossy behavior. If there are no repercussions for her bossiness, especially when you see it at home, well then you have a problem.

If your daughter is bossy that’s the equivalent of what that parent said. There were girls in my class who were bossy but nowadays I would probably say they were controlling and manipulating because that’s what bossy is really, isn’t it? I don’t know that talking to the other parent will help much, it’s more about figuring this out with the teacher and your child?

Sorry if I missed it, but how do you know she has called your DD controlling, manipulative and a queen bee? Did the teacher tell you that? That seems like a bit of an over share if so

I’d leave it to the teacher. If the teacher and no TAs have seen an issue I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do? Beyond the usual of encouraging your child to be kind and helping them develop social skills. No point quizzing your child on how they interacted with people because they’ll only have their own perception. At 6 they’re unlikely to give an accurate account of their relationship with others.

my daughter is 6 and is also quite forward and could be described as bossy. At one point there were issues with her and another child who is more quiet. No “bullying” but a clash of personalities according to the teacher. At this age they’re still learning a lot of skills about friendships etc. I think there’s a difference between bullying and usual difficulties in social situations with young children.

as I say. I’d leave it to the teacher to manage. Just ask the teacher to inform you of there are issues you need to address with you child at home.

As for play ground parental issues- I’d not speak to the parent about it. If they approached me I’d say the teacher didn’t feel it was bullying but to speak to the teacher again if she feels there are still issues.

Sorry I meant I’d the teacher hasnt seen an issue

I think you are going to get a lot of projection here.

Let the school deal with it as that it where it seems to be happening.

Just as the posters on this thread are not witnesses, neither are you or this girl's Mum. Support the school, discuss at home, advocate as necessary.

Yea this^ I’d expect the teacher to manage the situation more delicately than that.

Both my quiet kids were bullied at various times in school by various children - turns out they were also neurodiverse with inattentive ADHD. Its very plausible that some children do get bullied more than other children. To be honest I was quite shocked when my kids were younger about the things other kids did and said...I think its partly the age group who have not yet developed empathy and understanding of their actions. All you can do is do what you are doing...if the other mum approaches you I would take it up with the teacher as she should be letting the school handle things.

Thanks all - definitely a different perspective to bossy. Yes I suppose it is controlling I'd not looked at it that way.

I think because I just see them one as both the same, they're both head strong I don't see it as bullying, although I can see what what you're all saying.

The role play is a lovely idea thank you I'll try that!

Thank you for all your advice - I'll leave it with the school rather than speaking to the mum and look into things at home that can help.

Agree with this.

This is happening at school, you aren’t there to witness anything, and you are receiving a biased account of things from a parent who ALSO wasn’t there.

You need to deal with the class teacher only OP. It’s their job to manage petty squabbles during the school day, and god knows they must be used to it. We’re talking about six year olds with a lot of learn when it comes to social skills.

@RemainAtHome you’ve also make a great point about girls being labelled as bossy and manipulative when a boy rarely would be.

My daughter had an issue with another girl. She phrased it quite well I thought- she said 'XXX always wants to be in charge of me and I want to be in charge of myself sometimes.' This meant XXX chose the games, upheld the rules and decided if she was bored then the game was over.

This is a brief example but you get the gist- it wasn't bullying but it also wasn't considering that the other child (my daughter) could have her own thoughts and ideas.

Telling her to be kind is too generic. You need to be specific- 'do you let XXX have a turn in what games you play?' What happens if the other child doesn't want the same?

It's difficult- I am all for girls being allowed to be leaders- to be confident. But the aforementioned girl ended up with no friends by the time she left because she just couldn't allow anyone else to make their own choices. She even banned the other girls from wearing pink because she hated it. It came to a head when my child refused to wear a perfectly good winter coat because XXX didn't allow any of her friendship group to wear pink.

Hmm... I'd be VERY CAREFUL labelling your dd abusive @DragMeOutOfIt .

Abusive is a very strong word and implies she
1- wants to be control of other people - they want people to obey them wo discussion
2- the wish to be in control is INTENTIONAL

Do you really think that this is what your dd is doing?

Or is she a leader, as in she has a vision (for her, a game maybe?) and she is taking other people with her?

In the case of @FofB dd for example, what about another answer to the one girl being 'a bully' for always being in charge
For the child who 'wants to be in charge of herself' to actually do so. Saying NO to the proposal of the game and stepping away. Or proposing something else. aka becoming the 'leader' herself.

When there is a dynamic of a child being 'bossy' and 'not taking the others into conisderation', there is always on the other side a child who doesnt dare speaking up, aka holding boundaries. One who won't say NO but resent having to do what others are proposing.

This imo is very different from bullying.
Bullying is about threatening, insulting, cruel. It's to coerce people to do things they don't want. I havent seen anything the OP's posts about that.