Teaching toddler to share with baby

[Mamabear04]

DD (3.5yo), has just started nursery and is having trouble figuring out sharing. She tries very hard but has always struggled with kids taking toys from her and has got to a point where she will hold onto toys or take them back which is good. Howeverrrrr she has started to take toys out of DS (10mo) hands and will throw a tantrum if she has to share her favourite toys. She treats the baby’s toys as if they are her toys and gets upset if the baby wants them and then if the baby even picks up her favourite toys she go ballistic.

I've tried getting her to take turns, say everybody needs to share in our house, told her not to take toys out of people's hands etc but she just isn't getting it and I just don't know what to do or how to help. She also is at the age where she likes to set up her toys the way she likes them and gets very upset when DS comes and knocks them all down. She tried to put them out of reach but when she is told no ie lunch is being served at the table, tidy up the toys or not to put them on the coffee table because there's hot drinks there she gets so upset. She doesn't like to be alone so won't go to her bedroom to play by herself and then if I go with her I have to take DS and again it just ends in tears. Any suggestions or advice?

Also forgot to mention if the baby picks up any toy 9 times out of 10 she will stop whatever she's doing and go and try and take it and then start having a tantrum if she's told to give it back. Its honestly doing my head in!

How long has this been going on? It's fairly normal (although she's at the higher end of the age range, I think). In my experience (I work in a preschool), it takes quite a few months for some children, especially only children or those who are the eldest. If she's only just started nursery it is going to take time. If she takes the toy from DS just tell her, "You would not like anyone to take a toy from you. It's his turn and in a minute, if you still want it, you can have a turn too." 3.5 is plenty old enough to understand that. You need to use a firm voice. If she has a tantrum, so be it, she will be waiting longer for her turn. You could get her an egg timer of say 2 or 3 mins and she can set it so that it's her turn when the time is up. You can't have a tantrum and set the timer!

The good news is your DS will be very used to sharing!

You can get the sand timers so all you need to do is turn it over.

Have a look at the Heather Shumaker book it's okay not to share.

This is really really normal OP, and one of the joys of having two children! You just have to keep on as you're doing I think - there's no magic way to make her enjoy sharing. Distraction is good - maybe suggest reading a book with her, or doing a jigsaw or something, when you want her to give DS back his toy. If it all gets too much than a trip to the park might help.

We get dd1 to see if dd2 will swap with her if dd1 wants what the baby has. Often the baby will swap quite happily, but if not, dd1 has to wait for a turn, tantrum or not. That said, we also don't ask them to share special favourite toys. They sometimes choose to, but the most loved cuddlies, for example, are theirs, and it's completely their choice to allow someone else a cuddle.

For the setting up toys, we had a similar situation and used our footstool and similar to divide the living room. Dd1 could climb over it and set things up behind the barricade, free from marauding baby sisters.