Is it a good thing

[WinkyWinkola]

for kids to be scared to get into trouble and be told off? Or is it better for them to simply think they shouldn't do something because it's not right or will hurt someone.

Today, for example, when I was driving down a motorway, DS1 (35 months) said, "Look at me, mum. I'm standing up," He'd undone his seatbelt and was standing up on his car seat.

I got a real fright and in this massive, booming, Dumbledore-in-a-rage type voice (I shocked myself!), told him to sit down. He did instantly. But he also buried his face in his hands and said, "Oh please don't, Mummy,". I felt terrible because he didn't know he was doing something dangerous. But then I thought he'll never do that again. I told him normally never to do that again when I got the first opportunity to refasten his seat belt.

It led me to think about how to be effective when telling him off - I usually take away something like a bedtime story (one of three) or we leave the play date if he's shouting and screaming. I keep having to do this over and over (yes, this is parenting!) but he's not that bothered about it really. Does he need to be scared to get into trouble?

I've been feeling a bit lost with him and his constant defiance, contrariness and anger since he was nearly two.

I think if it is something serious like the car incident then yes he should be scared if that is what gets the results. Don't feel bad about today.

With day to day things though I would hate to think DD would be scared of me. Hopefully she will respect me and therefore not want to get told off but there is a line where a Child is truely "scared" that he or she might be harmed. Not sure I am making sense. I think a Child is only scared if the reaction is unusually forceful - like today - or if they are scared of Physical violence. They could be worried they will lose a toy or have to sit on the step etc but that is different imo.

DD is only 17m so I am not experienced and I am happy to admit I am wrong if anyone has more sage advice

Message withdrawn

it is a good thing when it involves something like a taking seatbelt off - basically anything immediately life threatening. YOu have to stop them immediately whether they realised it was that dangerous or not.

But you should save it only for life-threatening occasions as otherwise it stops working as child gets used to it.

But everyone should have a voice that stops the kids from doing something that is v. dangerous - hopefully never have to use it. Most people do though. It comes from fear not from concious effort.

Being effective without terrifying is worth learning for the rest of the time (I have not even nearly managed it yet) but don't punish yourself for today. It was a good thing imvho.

I don't see any problem with you scaring him because you shouted, what else would you try, calmly reasoning him to sit down and put his seatbelt back on? This imo would be far worse and dangerous than temporarily making him feel bad by shouting. Safety should always come first, you did the right thing, you didn't threatenen him or smack him, you just shouted and it's obviously out of the ordinary for it to have such an effect.