Fed up with wasted food

[Eggfriedbrain]

Money is tight at the moment and we have to be careful occasionally having very basic meals to get by. It works well for us as we don’t go without food, but treats are far and few between now.
My husband has an 8 yo from previous relationship and when she stays with us she demands food constantly but doesn’t eat it. She’s very small for her age so she struggles to finish a full meal, but she definitely has eyes bigger than her tummy and wants as much as she can get during her stay as she claims to be ‘starving’.
DH will give in knowing most of it will go in the bin. On the times he challenges her to wait for the next meal as she won’t eat what she’s asking for, she will beg and promise to finish it, then after one bite she bins it.
I’m getting very frustrated and quite upset, the food she takes and doesn’t eat could quite easily keep us fed for a couple of days. I have a 12 yo from a previous marriage and I feel awful as it is that he can’t have luxury food on demand anymore, so the fact she wastes so much he could have eaten instead makes me feel worse.
I told DH it needs to stop and she can only have meals with the occasional snack of a biscuit or fruit, but he gives in time and time again as otherwise she threatens she’ll tell her mother we don’t feed her.
We had a lovely weekend with a surprise refund on a large item we’d given up on chasing a year later, so we went to a theme park then restaurant for tea. SDD asked for ice cream and candy floss at the theme park which we did buy for both children, however as expected she threw it away after one lick. DH told her she’s not allowed one again as she does this repeatedly and wasting food is unfair. She cried and said she’d tell her mum.
We moved on and went to the restaurant where she thankfully asked for a child sized meal, but again she ate the tiny portion of chips and left her main. On the way home she asked for a treat from a bakery. We said no as she didn’t finish her meal or treats from earlier in the day. This lead to sulking then hours of crying she was hungry, despite turning down what we had available. My son offered his left over candy floss, she said no, he finished it and she cried she did want it after all.
This is a situation that happens every stay, I’ve pondered on the thought it may be stress related and the risk an eating disorder may come into play. I think deep down she is testing boundaries and being disrespectful for control. DH doesn’t like to tell her no and of course refusing food is not ok, but this wastage needs to stop somehow.
It’s been happening as long as I can remember, before DH and I married and lived together she would come to my house and take food from the fridge without asking. I was pleased she felt comfortable and didn’t see the warning signs at the time. She’s stolen sweets from my sons birthday jar (he would have shared if she asked and he’d already offered some), taken a bite from an apple and put it back in the fruit bowl and recently ate DH (vegetarian) meal after changing her mind about chicken nuggets.
I think it’s time she learned about cost of food and how we have to share and not be greedy, but DH doesn’t want her mum to think we are holding back food from her. It’s making me all quite resentful as the money could go on extra food for us in the week. I’m sick of scrapping poked and chewed food into the bin. I’ve tried rationing and giving her half a portion at a time but nothing has helped. She’s never finished a full meal before. Outside of eating she’s absolutely fine.
Any advice please?

Hi, I’m not a parent and don’t have huge amounts of advice… but I’m curious about why you’re worried about her telling her mum. You seem ready to set the right boundaries but stop when she threatens this.

Could you (or your partner!) talk to her mum to explain the issue, including her threats, and tell her before you start that you’re planning to set these boundaries and you expect it to cause some tears. And then start taking more control with her.

digging beneath the surface, could it be that she feels a lack of control when she’s with your family / she’s an outsider? And this is a way of testing and confirming to herself that she’s able to get what she wants?

What's the big deal about you/her father caving in when she's threatens to tell her mum? If I was in this situation I would happily justify what I was doing and stand my ground to mother if it was brought up.

Sounds like she rules the roost! This wants nipping in the bud, sharpish! She's 8 not 28. Give her a child's portion of food and maybe a pudding if she eats the main. If she doesn't, then she gets nothing else, simple.

There are 2 separate issues here.

1. with ice creams, candy floss etc it is not about hunger - these are treats and should be given in the spirit. It makes no difference if they eat it or or is binned. We used to do 1 treat per child per day out - at the end of the day. It could be an ice cream, a balloon or other to a fixed cost - say £3. Then let go of the whole thing. Do not punish a child for not eating a candy floss.
2. Asking for food and rejecting it is manipulative and wasteful. What is she being given? I would prepare a small selection of acceptable snacks - cheese, crackers, fruit and she can chose 1. If she does not finish it pop it in a tupperware and re-present when she asks again. So if she faffs over breakfast then asks for a snack offer her an apple. If she takes a bite and leaves it next time she gets 1/4 of the apple with the brown bit cut off etc. If she whines ignore.

and when she threatens to tell mum say "Yes, we must all communicate well to check you get a good diet, I'll message her now"
That'll take the wind out of her sails 😂

We ignore the threats of her telling her mum but DH doesn’t like the thought of her thinking we starve their daughter. She has told her mum twice we didn’t give her tea, (we did) and she wasn’t too interested, but by ignoring the threats we hoped she would see we wouldn’t react to that. DH gives in as he’d rather she had more than not enough, but at the expense of us. I don’t agree with it but as I’m not her parent I don’t have the final say. Overall she’ll eat the equivalent of one meal per deal (at our home and at her mums) but attempts to consume the diet of a body builder. I’ve suggested we don’t offer treats anymore and stick to basic meals as we would ourselves but he likes to spoil her with sweets etc which doesn’t help. Surely an 8 year old knows if they are full and how much they can consume at any given point or am I being harsh?

Holding back her left overs is a good idea thank you. I think she fills up with sugary treats as she knows DH will give in then realises it’s too much for one girl to eat. It’s no longer a treat if she expects several and never finishes them which is why I don’t agree that he gives her what she wants.

I'd have a few weekends away from zoos and bakeries. Go places where there isn't anything to ask for and give her meals that you know she will enjoy and eat. Buy a bunch of bananas or something for snacks.

When my dc said they were hungry I'd say 'good, because it's nearly lunch time.'

If her Dad wants to give her sweets and treats why are you bothering? You're on a ride to nowhere. This is a manipulation issue - not a food issue.
She knows she can have a tantrum and deregulate you all and get what she wants so this is what she will do. Only stopping the cycle will change her behaviour.
Her mum must know what she is like and surely this is no surprise. You should all be discussing it or good luck when she is 11-15 and realised the power refusing to eat has.
I work with challenging behaviour and this is very common.

It seems to me that the problem is your husband, not the child.

If he isn't truly on board with setting realistic boundaries regarding food and treats, you're going to get nowhere.

It sounds like he is still feeling guilty about the split and is compensating his DD by letting her have sweets and chocolate.

Your and your DH need to sit down and talk about this. The girl's mother must know what she's like and I doubt if she'd blame you or her ex if the child was taught a lesson.

You're right - you can't keep wasting food and throwing it away because your husband is incapable of managing a small child's manipulations.

I would let her tell her mum, she has separated parents she had no say in that so all the control she has at her dad's is food, and telling her mum on him,

he needs to stop just giving her stuff say she can have this or that not both and I'd she's "starving" she can have a slice of toast till her next meal

".......................say she can have this or that not both and I'd she's "starving" she can have a slice of toast till her next meal"

I would actually be inclined to give her nothing until the next mealtime, so that she builds up a proper appetite.

Her stomach can never be really empty if she's constantly grazing.

Is she drinking enough? Is she confusing hunger with needing a drink?

Thanks everyone, I’m half tempted to show DH this thread so he can see it’s not ok to pander to her demands.
Even if she doesn’t snack all day she still won’t finish a meal. She’s either truly never hungry or she’s starving herself to make room for a chocolate bar that DH will no doubt give in to. She’s the same at home but will finish all meals according to her mum.
Is this common with petit children in general? She’s the same height as my 4 yo nephew and wears 4-5 year clothing. It can’t be healthy for her having such a poor diet.
Would it be unreasonable of me to suggest we only give her basic cheap meals that aren’t a big deal if they aren’t finished? Such as beans on toast, pasta etc. and save our better meals when she isn’t around to avoid waste.

Actually, no.
I think you're still skirting round the main issue, which is DH giving her rubbish to eat when she refuses to finish a meal.

I believe that this issue will not be solved until you sit down with him and tell him that it isn't cruel to not give her sweets. And that it isn't cruel to pay no attention when she whines for food and then doesn't eat it.
It's good parenting.

The fact that he's feeling guilty about the split is behind all this.

He somehow needs to step up and be a good dad.

Giving her sweets and chocolate instead of actual food is bad for her teeth and general health. She'll be sleepy, irritable and anaemic if she doesn't eat properly.

You do need to talk seriously to your husband.

Next time she threatens to tell her mum, call her bluff and say yes let's call her now.

I'd also make a note of everything she's been given, and what's been wasted. It's really not fair on your DS, but she is only a child

Separately, I'm a very petite person and was a tiny child. I ate next to nothing and was never really hungry. I used to "boredom eat" which drove DM mad because it was so wasteful - which sounds similar to DSD

And you might be ignoring the girl's threats to tell her mother, but your husband is reacting to what she says, all the same, because he just hands out sweets chocolate and other crap.
So his DD knows how to push his buttons and get her own way.

She is controlling him through food. That is not healthy.

You don't want a teenager with an eating disorder.

Definitely don't want her with an ED you are right.

I don't think it would be right to serve her something cheap like beans on toast unless you're all eating it for that meal - but fine if you are (and save up your more expensive meals for when she's not there).

I agree with pp about having a range of snacks that you can serve in small quantities - how about nuts and raisins? - and keeping any leftovers in a Tupperware to offer again later.

I also agree that the main issue here is your husband and you need to have a chat with him to agree an approach that you'll both stick to.

I believe that the most important thing to get a child to have a good relationship with food is to take the emotion out of it. The reason she's doing all this is to push boundaries. So whatever approach you take, bright and breezy is the way forward. No begging or bribing her to eat or getting cross with her for not eating or reminding her about previous occasions when she didn't finish her ice cream. Just a cheery "ok let's pop that in the fridge, you may want it later" or "no snacks now as it's less than an hour till lunch". Act as if you don't care how much or little she eats!

I'd reduce her portion size if she's not finishing a meal...fewer chips to veg etc....she can always have seconds. One treat snack maximum a day save if not eaten but only at end of day before that if your hungry you can finish your apple etc.