I am finding ds1 extremely difficult to deal with at the moment

[colditz]

When he listens, he is a delight.

But when he runs off, ignores me when I call him to come back, jumps on the sofa, bullies his little brother, tells barefaced lies that "Daddy hurt me!" (His daddy was visiting, and Ds1 didn't know I was watching, Daddy had just told him off, and ds1 suddenly shrieked "Daddy hurt me!" Daddy bloody well did not!), ignores me when I tell him to get OFF his brother until I have to physically intervene then screams that I have hurt him...

I am not coping very well with him to be honest. I bought the boys a new toy to share (a ball popping game that I thought they would both love) and it's been taken away already because he was being violent about it.

He's nearly 5. I am starting the ball rolling to get him assessed at school. All my friends say "I don't know how you cope with him"

the truth is, I often don't.

I really am a shit mother sometimes. I hide in the kitchen because interacting with him is such bloody hard work. Even getting him to make eye contact is hard. I dress him because although he is perfectly capable of dressing himself, he can't focus long enough to put even one sock on without being nagged.

I have failed this child, I am failing this child, sometimes I watch him rocket out of the reception playground and all the other children are walking nicely up to their mothers, and he whooshes everywhere, and I blame myself.

Aww colditz, first off you are not a shit mother, and I understand about hiding in the kitchen.

Now, practical things - do you live near enough to school to walk? We walk half a mile each way, DS2 was walking this distance from very young, so is do-able. All that pent-up enery needs a safe release.

Hvae you thought about trying to change the focus, to spotlight the behaviour you want. All very difficult, I know, when caught in the spiral of negativity.

And finally, what about you ? You sound, to be honest, a bit 'down', chat with HV/Doc might be in order.

Just waffling really, sorry

I am ill, that's why I sound down, I will feel much better when my voice comes back! LOL

We already walk to school, and we try to go the way that means he can run as much as possible, but it's a main road and he has stepped out onto roads before, so I'm scared to let him truly go. He has very little impulse control.

You are right, I am too negative. I know how to be positive but it slips when I feel ground down by all the destructiveness and disobedience and I end up nagging and harping. I need to remind myself he is only 4. 4 year olds are like this.

I think I should post this in SN too, to be honest.

4 year olds certainly are like this - well, mine is.

Have you tried 1,2,3 magic. There's a book explaining the theory, but basically, you stay calm, and if he is misbehaving say his name followed by 1, then 2, and then if you say 3 something unpleasant (for him) happens. The book recommends time out if you get to three, but that has never worked for us. Loss of a favourite activity or treat does work brilliantly, when I remember to do it! You need to explain to him that you are going to start doing it, and to be consistent, but it really is rather magic. It works on the theory that they know when they are misbehaving, so you don't need to explain or argue. Just count.

is he special needs colditz? Has he been diagnosed as such?

Oh, I hope you can shift this throat infection soon, Colditz; they do pull you down. I don't for a moment believe you're a bad mum, but the truth is that you could probably do with some mothering yourself just now.

None of the things that you mention sound that unusual in themselves (lots of little boys are very active, start day-dreaming mid-sock, bully younger siblings etc), but of course it's a question of scale, how much more he does these things- and only you can judge that.

Though it might be well be worth having him assessed, that way more people's experiences of him will be weighed in.

Anyway, you are not failing him because he is a lively little boy or because you hide in the kitchen (I used to hide in the loo) or because you still help him to dress (I did with ds too at this age for the same reasons). He's only little- he doesn't need to go for that job interview this year.

i only ask because he sounds exsactly like mine who is 4.6.
My family comment that they would bury him in the garden if he were theirs, and how do i cope with that all the time???

Donbean, last year the preschool had him assessed, and the result was "Borderline" (WTF?)

His speech is immature and delayed, and he is on the schools SEN register - but he doesn't have a medical diagnosis (except of delayed speech) - but the speech therapist's opinion is that his speech would have developed fine if he looked at people's mouths more often - but then, she was Odd.

I look at him sometimes, and I think "He's perfectly normal, and I'm a paranoid nutcase" and other times I don't even know what planet he's from.

I do use 1,2,3 magic - unfortunately at the moment I can't use anything because i struggle to make him listen at the best old times, he certainly doesn't if he finds it easy to block my voice out.

how very confusing for you...
is his speech delayed for any particular reason?

he is EXTREMELY literal, doesn't understnad that sometimes if someone hurts you it's on purpose, and sometimes it's an accident. He doesn't understand jealousy, or other complex emotions - people are either happy, sad, angry and really that's about it.

He is prone to toddler-like fits of sobbing - toddler like in that they are sudden, often inappropriate, and stop within seconds.

Burt again, he's not even 5. someof tyhis behavior will be grown out of, surely.

Counting is good and time out too. BUT concentrate on the good things and make a big deal when he is good and listens. Praise praise praise!!! good luck

Reason - I don't know. It's 'mushy'. He speaks quickly and sometimes indistinctly. But I speak quickly too. It's possible he has learned that speed from me.

My ds has always been hard work as well Colditz. It might sound a bit daft but I do 'role play' to get him to do things like get dressed etc. It's difficult to explain really, but we started off with a hand puppet which we used to speak to him when he wouldn't do things like do his teeth etc and it worked really well.

is this not normal 4 year old behaviour?

They are the centre of their world till they are 7 or 8 i think.

i feel that i need to teach mine about how what he does feels to other people.

he is absolutely unable to hear my voice till its very loud, then he takes no notice.

i get in his face..."X, look at me, look in my eyes i need to tell you...."

he cant follow instructions and has very little sense of danger.

all normal i would say.

Cornsilk, he doesn't really get puppets, he just laughs at silly mummy playing with toys like a little boy

But I like the idea of it.

Donbean, I don't know if it's normal, to be honest. he is also unable to hear my voice until it's loud (and really just loud, not aggressive - and I've had his ears checked)

I might get his ears checked again, thinking about it.

Beautiful children colditz.

You sound like a really caring mum who could do with a hug

I think you are doing a great job.

Thank you bellavita

He has got a sticker chart with the potential to 'earn 3 stickers a day.

he has lost two already.

the whole chart is based on 'listening' ie when I tell him to stop doing something (like being vile to the cat, or swinging something around the room in a dangerous manner) I expect him to stop. and if he doesn't he loses a sticker.

Well, he hasn't earned one yet and I am trying so hard to be positive.

What normally triggers him being horrible? I've seen it mentioned on MN a lot that people equate a child being horrible to them not getting what they perceive as enough attention or rewards, maybe he doesn't care about his stickers but instead wants some extra interaction with you (hard seeing as he's being a pain in the bottom, so good luck with that idea!!).

See, this is the bit where I would go wrong with sticker charts. I would take away for something trivial rather than focus on the positive and then get myself into a complete tizz.

My DS2 8 is sometimes a nightmare. If he is in one of those moods, he can trash something in seconds. I know it is attention he wants and you know when he is being like this it is hard for me to like him.

DS1 10.5 has his moments, but overall is such an easy child and I think maybe DS2 thinks I favour DS1 more because he is no bother.

DS2 needs to be kept active all of the time - which can be draining and when helping me round the house or is asked to do little jobs he is lovely and when I say oh you are great at doing so and so, his little chest puffs out in pride. At school (yr3) if bored, he tends to faff with things, so the teacher has given him some blu tack to pull about and a small teddy to hold when he gets bored.

I really feel for you Colditz.

I feel for you too Colditz.

My Ds was a nightmare aged 4. Really impulsive and got into rages very easily. We discovered only just over a year ago, that hunger drives his moods. He is a natural "string bean" and doesn't demand a lot of food.

I feel guilty that we overlooked such a simple solution for so long.

Of course, sometime he is a rat bag, just because!

I am cross about your friend's comments. . . I feel they should be a bit more supportive.

Don't blame yourself, you are doing fine.

Is there anyone who can give YOU some TLC?