High needs vent

[nicesunday]

I love my daughter to the ends of the earth and back, but I am simultaneously finding myself burnt out and depressed with how draining being a parent to a high needs baby and now toddler is.

She spends time alone with dad and PILs but it hasn't helped her to become any less attached to me. The whinging (which started at 4 months thanks to reflux), the sleep, the fussy eating, the new tantrums in frustration... I feel mentally and emotionally battered.

I'm supposed to be retraining (off of my own back) as I'm simply not capable of returning to my old job, and not only is the opportunity to do so scarce, I'm finding myself completely unproductive when the chance is there because I'm just exhausted. This is adding a lot of stress to my bucket because my employer thinks I'll be back in a couple of months time and unless something radically improves, I know I won't be up to it.

Mostly just a vent because it's been one of those nights and mornings I guess.

You have my sympathy as my first was very high needs. He's turned out to be the most chilled and lovely teen, so there is hope

How old is she and which bits are you particularly struggling with? For instance if she's over one, is night weaning a possible help?

Thanks @SiouxsieSiouxStiletto .

She's 13 months. I just struggle with the cycle of how short my fuse has become and then the guilt of the fact I have a short fuse. I really try to remind myself constantly that she is still little, still does not have the comprehension to understand her own mind and emotions, let alone how they impact on me.

She wants to be with me non stop. Sometimes she'll be wriggling to get out of my arms if I'm carrying her and then she'll cry if I put her down. If I even so much as nip out of a room for 20 seconds to get my phone or a drink, she cries. I know separation anxiety at this age is normal but I haven't had proper downtime since she was born (I've always breastfed too and she was a bottle refuser when young), and the inability - logistically, financially and physically - to just go and be some of my old self is really starting to take it's roll on me.

As for night weaning, arguably it's a chicken and egg scenario but gets hardly any solids in during the day at the moment (even when she's not had a feed for say, 8 hours) that I'm really reluctant to drop them. Plus I have no other reliable method of getting her back to sleep and don't have the mental strength at the moment to try and introduce something different that'll inevitably resort in her distress.

I mean this with kindness but if your fuse is super short, do you think you could have PND?

Yes that has been crossing my mind lately. Albeit delayed PND. It's part of the reason why I don't feel up to going back to my normal job as it is often times very mentally and emotionally challenging, and I get overwhelmed at too many different simultaneous noises these days let alone an intense and stressful scenario I'm in charge of dealing with.

I have spoken to my local NHS counselling service but the wait time is six months or so (I've joined the list but it's not going to be of help before I'm due back at work). I think this is compounding how I feel about dealing with my daughter.

You do sound absolutely overwhelmed @nicesunday.

I think phoning the Pandas Foundation today might be helpful. It's staffed by Women who have had to deal with PND too.

I'd also talk to them about trying something like Sertraline. You may not have to take it for long and it's safe when BFing.

Are you getting some time alone as well? She'll be fine if your DP/DH takes her out for a few hours at the weekend. If they do something like swimming and a cafe, she might even eat a bit more if you're not around.

Once you are feeling a little stronger, perhaps consider some gentle night weaning. Being able to share the night wakings and sleep a little more might help you to cope a little better too.

Good luck OP. I hope you get the support you need

Talk to GP.Sounds like PND.No shame in admitting you need support.Clingy babies are hard work.My 2 nd was clingy child,I was exhausted.

I think in situations like this it’s difficult to say whether it’s PND or whether you’re depressed because you’re having an absolutely shit time at parenting. I remember seeing my GP when my child was 2.5 and saying “I don’t know whether the problem is me (that I’m depressed) or my child (that she is really really hard work).

Either way the GP was useless and offered counselling. I wanted antidepressants or something. I remember thinking “How is talking to a counsellor about how difficult my toddler is going to help me”. I never went back 🤣

Anyway, I digress. And I really sympathise. I don’t think I understood at the time that my children were high needs. I had no barometer of “normal” and intended to blame myself for being a crap mum and not being able to cope with the daily grind of motherhood.

I think some respite would have helped me. I craved time alone to relax and recharge and didn’t get any, ever.

Was just coming on to make a similar thread, my DS2 (18m) is the same OP. Just incredibly hard work all round, doesnt sleep well, doesnt eat well and is just very bad tempered and also clingy. Lots of crying from both of us this morning. Caught him jumping on my bed like a maniac (there is a head shaped hole from the last time he did that) so removed him, he went ballistic and tried to yank a 5ft mirror off the wall. Its a lot.
The thing that helps me personally when I am feeling at my limit is time away from him. Do you have support to be able to do that?

Thanks all, I'm sorry you have also found yourselves feeling similarly. As you summed up perfectly @Jellycats4life , I don't really feel like counselling is the answer because although I evidently do need the occasional vent, it doesn't change anything. And there's also some "Isn't this just what being a parent is?", it's not really a scenario with a fix, it just is what it is.

@Newperson4 I do get a few hours a week when she goes to the PILs, and again a few hours when dad looks after her, but I spend all of my 'child free' time training (or trying to). In terms of "no responsibility time", unfortunately we don't have the support to mean I don't have to worry about contributing financially.

It’s so hard. Unless you’ve lived it, you can’t understand how miserable it is. It does get better, although that’s no consolation when you’re in the trenches and surviving day to day.

Can you start putting her in childcare - even if you have to put it on a credit card?

That sounds tough, does she use a dummy?

@Jellycats4life No but that reassurance coming from someone who has been through it rather than a well meaning friend with a laid back child just trying to restore hope is meaningful so thank you ❤️

@SeulementUneFois Unfortunately not, we already have debt on a credit card due to some unforeseen expenses during my maternity leave that we're trying to get on top of.

Nope. Never a dummy, bottle, comforter, teddy, blanket... literally her only source of comfort is the boob (I've even ordered some really expensive, handmade "realistic boob like" dummies from America back in the day) 😣

It's so so hard. And nobody understands, and it seems so unfair. I have no words of wisdom, the only thing that helps with kids like that is more time away from them, and that's often not possible. I was as overwhelmed as you, I didn't have PND, anyone would have been the same. My husband and I still look back in horror, and wonder how we got through it.

We did, though. Our little ball of needs is 5 now, and it's so, so much better. And for us anyway, his intensity came with gifts too. He's still hard to manage at times, but he's also an absolute joy.

I would say it started to improve, very gradually, from 2 on. You'll get there too.

You have my sympathy. I agree that you need to explore some way to have more time out.