Whingy, shy toddler

[Housenoob]

Hi, I'm looking for tips on how to manage this. My 22 month old daughter is usually an absolute delight around me, DH, and family she knows well eg grandparents, aunts uncles that she sees often. Very playful, loves her books and toys, knows her own mind, etc. For context she has no siblings or cousins but she goes to nursery 2 days a week and loves it. Developing really well, speaking in 2-3 word sentences, loves singing and dancing.

She's always been a tad shy or hesitant to get involved at baby classes/soft play at first, but usually after a while she'll get into it and for some reason older kids (like 3-4 year olds) tend to take a shine to her and she'll happily play with them when she warms up (it's usually her trying to copy what they do 😂).

However recently she's become ultra shy, clingy and whingy. She whinges straight away on waking regardless of how well she has slept. Whinges for food/toys out of reach before asking. And the shyness around people is worsening. We recently went away with a few friends who have toddlers similar age (a few months older) for a few nights. She knows the kids and the parents but the entire time she'd barely play with them. Any time an adult tried to speak to her she'd turn away or just ignore them. Didn't play much with the kids at all unless they were out in the garden which is when she did come out of her shell. The whinging was also really bad the entire time and no one really got to see how much of a happy, bright child she usually is.

I appreciate every child is different and I myself was painfully shy as a child. I don't want to force her to play or interact when she doesn't want to, but equally I'd like to encourage her to play with other kids etc. I get that it was quite a noisy environment with so many kids/adults when we went away so she must have been overwhelmed. I feel a bit bad about constantly trying to get her to join in as I know I hated people doing this to me when I was young- maybe at some points I could have taken her away into a quiet area to read a book etc. But then equally I don't want to always be doing that as surely it would then perpetuate the shyness if I'm always removing her from the social situation? I want to support her as much as possible and continue to be a safe space for her but also encourage her to socialise a little more. Even on a playdate at ours recently (so obv an environment she knows very well) she became very whingy and wouldn't play, just wanted to sit on my lap all the time.

Any tips for handling/encouraging a shy, sensitive toddler? And also getting a handle on the whinging? We're quite lucky that she's only had a couple of minor tantrums so far but sometimes I'd rather face a tantrum than the constant whinging 😅.

Anyone?

she's really young still. I don't think kids really start to play properly with other kids until 2.5 ish, at the earliest. I was chatting to a friend yesterday who said her kid was super shy at playdates up until they started school. and now they love playing with their friends. My youngest is a similar age and in situations like those you describe is likely to seek out my lap as well. I think it's also quite a whingey/tanrtumm-y age generally. But they get better I promise.

Thanks, it's just hard when you see toddlers of a similar age talk to anyone and everyone but I know I shouldn't compare. I just hope it doesn't get worse, I suppose.

Like recently I took her to a parent and child gymnastics class which was coach led, so there was a bit where the coach was helping kids on the apparatus but DD wouldn't go anywhere near her or even acknowledge her, even though I was right there with her. I just wonder how I can gently encourage her to be bolder without making things worse or saying the awful 'come on now don't be shy' type stuff which I know used to make me even shyer when I was younger!

Bumping again just in case any others have similar experiences or words of wisdom

My DS was a shy toddler too. People used to say that awful expression "what's the matter, cat got your tongue?" which really didn't help at all. As he grew up, he grew in confidence and meeting him now as an adult, you would never believe he was a shy toddler. I never forced him to do things, just used to gently encourage him and his confidence grew.

It's really tough isn't it. Our 21 month old is pretty confident in settings she's familiar with, and an excellent communicator, but similarly has shy phases when she gets clingy and whiney. I just repeat 'it's a phase' to myself whilst breathing calmly and trying not to lose my temper 😂 it will be a phase and it will end. I wouldn't put her under any pressure, just lean into the behaviour and give lots of cuddles whilst not making a big deal about it/saying she's shy. I'm sure in a few weeks she'll have moved on to something different!

Sounds exactly like mine. It's also hard not to think we've mollycoddled her a bit, as we're very cuddly towards her. Can't help it, she's just so cute!

I'll have to go against the grain here. I had a preschooler who wouldn't talk to anyone, wouldn't get involved in party games, whinged about anything and everything and wouldn't give anything a go even if I knew she'd enjoy it really. Bloody stubborn too!

I decided that letting her hide behind shy and whingey, although they are some of her natural characteristics, wouldn't serve her well in life, so I did make her do stuff. Tiny stuff.

E.g start the sentence in a cafe "please may I have an...." for her to fill in "apple juice".
If she wanted something from grandparents / aunts / friends parents, she had to ask. I'd have to approach with her, holding her hand, then repeat at an audible level so the person could actually head the request for a biscuit, but she did say it.

She's 7 now and still a tad whingey and shy, but she has learnt to marshall her hesitancy to get what she ultimately wants. Sang a solo in the school choir last week in a public park. I cried.

My old school motto was "vincit qui se vincit"... she who conquers herself conquers all. Its my job to give her the skills to do that in a healthy, slow and steady way.

@WineIsMyCarb this is good advice and sort of what I was looking for. On the one hand my fear is that if I lean into the shyness and never push her out of her comfort zone she'll always stay shy, and I don't want that to hold her back as it did me.

But on the other hand I don't want to push her too much which also creates problems. You sound like you struck a pretty good balance, I like the starting sentence thing so will try that when she's a bit older. That's an amazing achievement regarding the choir solo!

I think the shyness can come and go, so I wouldn't push that too hard but I'd put my foot down on the whingeing. So "please use your normal voice, ask nicely" basically making it clear that you don't respond to demands and a whingey voice only politeness. If doing this stick to your guns!!

She’s soooooo tiny still.

Hold on…she’s 22 MONTHS! Give her a break! She’s basically a baby. Of course she’d rather play with you rather than a load of random other toddlers. Give it maybe 2-3 more years before expecting much more than parallel play with a lot of adult intervention.

Shyness is totally normal and developmentally appropriate at that age. Whinging sadly par for the course too. Mine respond well to having their feelings named and acknowledged - eg you are sad because you got the red cup when you wanted the blue cup. It must be so annoying to have the wrong colour cup. You really wanted that blue one etc etc.

I know, I know she's tiny! I'm not aiming to do much at all yet but just getting a bank of useful tips 😊 believe me she's growing up far too quickly for my liking so I'm savouring all the cuddles and lap sitting while I can!

Oh, and she's also heard me loudly saying that I don't like Bing (the cbeebies cartoon) because he's a whingebag 😂
Presume that message stuck a bit as well.

I also do very loud, firm "good girl for asking for yourself, good on yer" and give her a squeeze when she rallies herself and sticks her neck out.

I don't disagree with a bit of gentle nudging in a more confident direction when they're older but 22 months is so small. I personally wouldn't be adopting those kind of tactics for at least another year or so yet.