MIL is ruining my life!!

[Emmamc93]

I’ve posted a couple of times before about issues with mil but it’s all came to a head over the weekend. She’s very manipulative and controlling over her family and they never speak up about any issues or tell her no. From ds birth we got off to a rough start, she always wanted the baby never wanted me around as I would tell her no to certain things, she’s huffed with us if we only stop in for 20 mins, fell out with partner when he called her up on asking for the baby up when the whole household was sick. I let her away with all this behaviour with a simple no don’t do that I never called any of it out until recently if I don’t give her a time straight away to come down and visit ds that day she will now huff with me. Me and ds attend 5 baby classes a week and I take him out walks with friends from these classes and to the park regularly so we’re not always free straight away. When this started I said I couldn’t cope with the behaviour anymore and partner communicated all my issues to mil and fil. Fil came down and spoke to me and understood all my issues then a couple of days later mil came down and me and her spoke alone and she attacked me completely as a person when all I had stated to her was incidents that annoyed me. She denied them all even though fil and sil backed them up said she can’t remeber anything including screaming over my 8 week old baby to get him in the f***g car when he was crying and they couldn’t settle him. I told her to get out as I wasn’t being attacked like that in my own home and that her reaction to me confirms every snide comment and eye roll this last year has been intentional as she told me she wanted my partner to find a lovely girl and she’s so upset he ended up with me.

is there any coming back from this? I’ve made it clear I need an apology from her before we’ll talk again but can this be fixed for the sake of my partner as he feels stuck in the middle

Yikes. I'm afraid you've got a live one here and there's nothing you can do about her behaviour. (It's the old saying, you can't change someone else's behaviour.)

So it's essential that you put in place rock solid boundaries and don't let her trample over them. She is obviously used to getting her own way by behaving like a banshee. Fine if her other family members are prepared to put up with it. But you're not, and it's okay to say no.

I would recommend that you have very little to do with her. Leave her to your DH to deal with.

You do not have to subject yourself or your child to her behaviour. If she wants to go into a massive sulk about it, then let her.

She's not your mother. You are not obliged to spend any time with her.

It's highly unlikely she will ever apologise to you. People like that refuse to accept any responsibility for their behaviours or the effect they have on others.

If your DH feels "stuck in the middle" well that's not your problem either. I bet he knows exactly what a nightmare his mother is, but is afraid to speak up because he knows she will kick off. Again, not your problem.

Make it crystal clear to her that you will not put up with her behaviour and that you don't subject your child to it either. And if she doesn't like it, she's welcome to bugger off.

He has refused to say anything to her for the last year or even let me sit down and approach it with her until I had enough of it, she controls them massively and uses guilt constantly. For example she had cysts last year and still continues to tell people it was tumours, she can’t take any criticism like I’m controlling because I want them to work around me and ds schedule when they come to visit, both are retired and less than 10 mins up the road or when I want them to wash their hands between playing with dogs and the baby

See now my issue is partner wants to take ds up to her regularly since she won’t be coming down here but I feel like that’s rewarding her bad behaviour again as she can see him, not have to leave her house and nobody will tell her no to her behaviour as partner is scared to offend and she doesn’t have to deal with me. How little visitation is reasonable

An apology is pointless she doesnt mean it.

I have one like this but mine is more tears and histrionics to my DH
my DD's birth escalated it.

I had zero tolerance from the start.
example: she invited herself to stay friday - tuesday when we invited for the weekend. On monday dh went to work and i took the baby and myself out from 9-6, same on tue.She sat in an empty house all day twice. Crying. Because i had plans and didnt chang ethem because she overstsyed her welcome.

We dont reward bad behaviour became the mantra.
And eventually she got the message: she could do it our way and have a nice/agreeable time or push her agenda and it would be miserable for her.

Part of the problem was me though. She was living rent free in my mind.
I now just view her as something vaguely annoying i have to deal with. I feel beige about it.

That’s similar to us she was told she could have the baby for a few hours in the beginning then she tried to push it to an overnight and two afternoons a week so that was stopped and now she kicks up a fuss about having to work around ds classes but she’s never been told no she can’t come visit but doesn’t like being given a time to come down at. Before ds was born partner I think overplayed the involvement they would have, they thought they needed a room decorated for him from birth and when he was 1 week old I could hear her downstairs complaining about how she needed alone time with him she’s been given an inch and repeatedly took a mile.

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

Honestly just say "hi mil, happy for you to come mon wed or friday 2-4pm next week. Let me know whick ones work for you"
mil: " blah blah blah"
You: " okay well thats a shame. We are around sunday am so if that works dh and i can pop over with DS for a coffee. Otherwise let me know if you want to meet next week. I am around tue morning until 11 or thu and fri afternoon - if any of yhose work let me know!"

re: the room. Its bonkers but not that unusual and have a child friendly room is really handy once they start crawling and walking

People have been advising you about this for months and months. Have you actually taken any of the advice given? Because you’re still getting what you were getting.

I would like to hear the MIL's version.

It's always the case on MN that the DW is blameless and the MIL is batshit but I would imagine it's six of one and half a dozen of the other in many cases.

I wonder how many posters will end up being the batshit MILs themselves one day?

OP, in the end, you can't stand each other. So don't see each other and keep well away. But it's still your DP's DM so I would have no problem with him seeing his mother with the kids from time to time.

I'm a people pleaser though and like an easy life so I'd probably call a truce, agree to disagree with my MIL and just be polite with all future dealings.

You have a husband problem, he won’t back you up, your doing all the the right things with boundaries etc but to keep the peace with his mum he is going to take baby to her and let her get away with her behaviour. He is allowing himself to be piggy in the middle instead of insisting she sorts out her behaviour. It’s not actually keeping the peace as it erodes your relationship together. He can visit his parents alone and hold his hands up and say he is not going to go against the family he created when you have done nothing more than set boundaries. It’s up to her to try to build bridges and keep the peace if she wants to be part of grandchild’s life.

DH should be more concerned about your feelings than his mothers. If he wants to continue having a sex life with you ,remind your DH who he’s married to and who he sleeps with at night and that ain’t his mother. He’s a father now and should act like one, you and your shared child are his primary family. If his mother wants a relationship with her grandchild then she accepts your boundaries.
Keep going to your classes, meeting friends,

Oh you poor thing
. Just ignore her, don't have her in til she changes her behaviour, if ever. Dont argue with partner or anyone about it just do it. My guess is she will need you before you need them.
A MIL speaking here btw.

Block and ignore. Let dh deal with her, but I wouldn’t be letting my child spend time with this woman without me present, and that would be non-negotiable

This is the kind of toxic behaviour which will get worse over time. If she is used to controlling everyone then she'll be trying to turn your kiddie against you a few years down the line. You hubby shouldn't be on the fence, ,he should man up and choose which side he belongs. If he is still ties to her apron strings then I wish you luck!