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If you worked full time when your children were young…

42 replies

CokeZeroPlease · 21/05/2023 07:28

Can you please share with me what wondeful/well rounded/secure adults they are now ?!
After doing the same easy but not particularly stimulating PT job for years to work around my DC (Now 10 and 5) I applied for, and have been offered, what is basically my dream job. It’s term time only but no real capacity for WFH. Older DS I am fairly confident will be fine as he has had me at home / pretty much doing most of the schools runs for the whole of his primary experience but I am worried about younger DS, it almost seems unfair in a way, will mean he is in after school club / at the CM most of the week , but we need the extra money (not desperately but it would just be a nice to have!) and I am just frustrated and feeling a bit stagnant in my current role. I want to take the job so much but am having absolute mum guilt. Please share with me your reassuring stories of how you worked FT and it was all perfectly fine !

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Hedjwitch · 21/05/2023 09:25

Worked FT with 3 kids as needed the money,including school holidays which was the hardest to manage! Its exhausting but needs must.
Dd1 is just starting her Masters
Dd2 has 1st class degree and well paid job in private sector
DS is a musician.

Dont beat yourself up. If they are loved,clean and fed they'll be ok.

euff · 21/05/2023 09:30

I did the reverse and went part time while DC were in primary, DD was upset that she wasn't going to after school club until 6 with her friends everyday!

CokeZeroPlease · 21/05/2023 09:34

Oh my goodness I have just come back to the thread to see if anyone had replied
thank you , thank you thank you for all these positive , encouraging stories . So lovely to hear about the close relationships with adult DC as well. I want them to grow up confident and independent, they are so loved.
DH is away a lot for work but very present and helpful when he is around IYSWIM and they adore him, it’s just I have always been the one who is “there” so it’s letting go of that a bit .
The extra money will all pretty much be spent on them !
I am excited now and feel so positive. I am going to screenshot this thread and will keep returning to it if I ever have a wobble.

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VisionsOfSplendour · 21/05/2023 09:45

My parents worked full time, I did, lots of my friends do/did with young children and I don't think that it can be correlated to how the children have turned out. It's only one of many factors that shape a child and their relationships

Inkpotlover · 21/05/2023 09:47

I can give you a flip-side scenario, which I also hope helps. I quit a full-time position to WFH as a contractor to make childcare easier when my DD started primary – and there's a part of me that wishes I hadn't for her sake. Having me available all the time was too much of a safety net for her and made her too dependent – as a teen I can see she's not as resilient as her friends whose parents did work FT and used wraparound care. I wish I'd gone for some middle ground, so I think you should go for it and accept the dream job. Congrats!

WinterStar1 · 21/05/2023 10:11

Both my partner and I worked full time Mon-Fri. I returned to work full time when he was 6 months. He was looked after by granny at her house until he was 1. He then went to granny in morning and nursery in the afternoon until he started school. Then he went to breakfast and after school club, and holiday club right through his primary years. No option for this when he went to secondary (aged 12), so we gave him a key so he could let himself in before we got home from work. Sometimes he got home after us due to after school sports etc which he had to get himself to and home from as I was at work.

School was about 3 miles away from the house, there was a school bus available, but he also knew if he missed it then he would need to walk to school.

Fast forward to now, he is 21 year old. Finished school, went to local college. Then started uni in a different major city about 80 miles from home in September 2020. Decided 2 years into uni that the course wasnt for him. Came back home and is working hard to get enough savings and hopes to move into his own flat again soon.

He has grown into such a confident and independent young man.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 21/05/2023 10:21

DS is 19 Dd is 17 I went FT when they were 8 &11, DS went to a superselctive grammar and continues to play about 5 competive sports at his Oxbridge college( where he is regularly top of his year) he has a lovely girlfriend can cook and most importantly is kind to his younger cousins and grandparents. His says his mental health is better than many of his contempories.

DD is nearly 17 doing her GCSEs, wide circle of friends, part time job and able horse women (the stables were my childcare) she is slightly less academically able than her brother and is dyslexic but still on course for sixth form. She is independent, resourceful and loyal. I am so proud of both of them.

Cloudburstings · 21/05/2023 10:27

@CokeZeroPlease if your job is inflexible during term time you need to talk to your husband about stepping up

he needs to be going to the ‘parents come and watch’ things they offer if you can’t.

could he finish early on Fridays and collect them himself when in the U.K.?

when he’s not travelling (and helping to smooth things before he goes / doing more when he gets back).

DH and I both have full on jobs. DH travels and the times when he’s away and it’s all on me - beginning and end of each day whilst working are A LOT.

though I also enough the alone time those evenings.

id suggest a child minder rather than after school club as better more personal support for your younger one. And then your kids can be together.

certainly in our after school clubs it’s arranged by age so older and younger dc are kept apart.

we’ve had a tough time with childcare this year and struggled to find someone kind and reliable after our long term nanny left.

but the changes have brought my two similarly aged kids closer as it’s really shown them they’re together even if the person collecting them
was someone temporary/ that they knew less well.

you should take the job. As a family you can make this work.

but you need to sit your husband down and get him to commit to stepping up. Things will have been easy for him. They can’t stay that easy with you working and still doing everything at home.

look at other stuff too. Eg Get a cleaner if you don’t have one?

order pre made meals from Cook or get your DH to batch cook so that’s covered, especially when he is away.

making it work requires a big rethink of prioritise and who does what for you as a couple.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/05/2023 13:47

Take the job!

I don't have any personal stories of grown up children because I still only have a baby but I went back full time at 3 months without any guilt because my career is important too and I don't believe it is good or healthy for mothers to give up everything for their children.

It's difficult because society likes to try and make mothers feel guilty but there is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

mintbiscuit · 21/05/2023 13:55

My Nan worked full time (post war)
My mum worked full time
I work full time

My mum was fine
I am fine
My kids will be fine.

I really don’t understand all the worrying that women have about this subject. Research the gender pay and pensions gap. Teach your children to be financially independent.

Gettingbysomehow · 21/05/2023 14:07

I had to work full time as a single mum. DS is 40 now. He loved his childminders. I chose them very carefully. I didn't use nurseries.
When he was too old for childminders he got home 2 hours before me. I rang him to make sure he was OK. I paid a neighbour a small amount to check on him and be around in case he needed anything.
We talked about it recently. He said it just seemed normal because that's what he was used to. He loved having pets (cats) because there was always company at home.

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 21/05/2023 14:08

I worked FT for 35 years. Both DC went to nursery full time. Both went to university and have good careers. DS almost 30, just buying second house and got engaged, managerial position. Lives close by, comes for tea, asks advice, affectionate and kind. Spends Christmas and holidays with us. DD a bit younger, senior HCP, owns first house, also in a long term relationship. Lives a bit further away but see each other weekly, FaceTime weekly and text all day every day. Shares her life with me. Also comes at Christmas and on family holidays through choice.

Neither remember much about nursery or summer holiday clubs although they have happy memories about tea after school at their grandparents.

Proud of both and we all have a good, close relationship.

CokeZeroPlease · 22/05/2023 09:13

@Cloudburstings
I took your advice and sat down with DH and we did a big map out

we have agreed to start using a cleaner
huge whiteboard family planner in the kitchen
DH to do pick ups and drop off x2 a week when he is not travelling, when he is we will use clubs or grandparents . However his travel is general pre planned rather than short notice so we can diarise it.

DS2 off to secondary next year and is pretty good at taking responsibility for own stuff
use half terms to pre prep as much as possible, cooking etc
buy some xtra uniform to save on washing

I feel excited, motivated and positive about my career for possibly the first time since having DS1.

I can’t thank everyone enough for their helpful , encouraging and supportive comments

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Retire50 · 22/05/2023 09:15

I’ve worked full time, part time, self employed and not at all. Kids cope. Go for your dream job.

XelaM · 22/05/2023 09:19

Both my parents worked full time and actually both had to travel for work fairly regularly. My brother and I stayed with nannies or grandparents. Both my brother and I have always had a very close relationship with my parents and now we're both adults we are still extremely close with them. I honestly think I have the most amazing and supportive parents in the world and there is nobody in the world I trust more than them.

XelaM · 22/05/2023 09:23

I also call them every day just for a chat 😃

XelaM · 22/05/2023 09:59

ohfook · 21/05/2023 07:47

Not me but my friends dad had a very important job when she was younger and was away during the week most of the time.

They're incredibly close now and have always had a lovely relationship. He's told me in the past that he actively decided if he was going to be away a lot he had to make the time he was with his kids count and not just spend his weekends recovering from a busy week at work. She's told me that she doesn't particularly remember him being away a lot but she does remember him always playing in her Wendy house, having pretend tea parties etc. She's told me before that if she thinks of her childhood she thinks of her dad sitting on the floor playing with her. So I think the key is just being really present when your not at work.

This really resonates with me.

I am super close with my dad, but when I was little he had to work abroad a lot and actually lived away from us abroad for months on end. But I don't really remember that because when he was home he was the most amazing dad and what I remember is him reading to me every night and taking me on long walks to pass on to me his incredible knowledge of European history (he's like a walking encyclopaedia) and me never being able to remember the names of the Kings/heirs he was trying to teach me. 😂

I'm in my late 30's now but he's practically my best friend and I love hanging out with him/calling him up gor a gossip or to discuss football 😃

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