Stuck in a cycle of spoiling

[Screwingitallup]

I have 2 kids, ds 4 and dd 1. After a tough first year for health for ds with no socialising bar nursery (which he started very young out of necessity) followed by lockdowns, I've become trapped in a cycle of spoiling. It's not that he asks for much beyond a chocolate, it's that I see things and buy them and don't save them for birthdays/Christmas. It's the same for dd. I'm talking about things varying from new books, little cars, character toys etc. It's very frequent if I'm honest. Tomorrow amazon is bring bubble blower wands (like a bubble machine but in wand form). We're big fans of a bubbles and music party to let off steam...

I think it stems from growing up very poor (black mould, no heating, hand me down clothes etc) and being subject to regular beatings and verbal abuse/being told I'm worthless by step dad.

I know that what ds wants most is my (and his dad's) time for playing, reading etc. He makes this clear. But it's tricky when we both work full time (no family support) and dd is very demanding of me specifically (still breastfed). I feel such guilt. I'm struggling to find any kind of balance and holding back on buying things I know he'd love. But I know it needs to be reigned in before he becomes entitled/spoiled, and we need to be saving for a garden, which would benefit them both immensely.

Any thoughts/wisdom? I feel like I'm over correcting my own childhood.

Buying stuff doesn't spoil them. Then demanding, you giving in and then not being appreciative is what spoils them. If you can afford it, and they're delighted with the things and having fun that is absolutely fine!

Good I've done this for years and mine are 24 and 16 and lovely kids

The main thing is that they're not demanding brats. But I've always been of the opinion that I like to spoil my kids and that's exactly what I've done and still do. They're always grateful and they're decent people

So just have some faith in your parenting

Well they don't know any difference at the moment so they aren't spoilt.

To me it sounds like you are doing it to stop feeling guilty for something that you shouldn't be feeling guilty about in the first place. Working.

I think you should try and stop if you are saving for a garden. It's OK to not buy someone something just because they would like it.

What you describe sounds very normal? You don’t have to feel guilty about or have to justify little things like that.

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with them having things as long as those things are experiences you can share with them.

I've always taken the line that I'll buy things for them while the interest is there to capitalise on it rather than waiting for an arbitrary date! If you have the money and the space and it isn't the result of the children demanding things and you acquiescing for an easy life, crack on and enjoy your purchases together 😊

It's hard to have faith in your parenting without solid examples, if you lack confidence!

A lot of the purchases are things I tell myself are to help with fine motor skills (his less developed area), his general education as he's quite clever (but not a genius!), and sensory things.

We don't have many friends with kids so there's not lots to compare to, and I don't know where we should be landing. I reason that I want my kids to have a better life than I did, and make heavy use of the kids only charity shop round the corner to reduce the actual costs. But also our large flat feels cluttered with toys.

And saving for a garden, I'm not sure will make any difference. We'll be moving in 4ish years, probably to a cheaper area. There's just no way to get a house with garden where we are now. So we're waiting out the loss of double childcare costs really!

Is buying stuff causing problems for you (financial perhaps) or for them (overwhelmed by toys/unable to tidy up)? If yes then it’s a problem. If no, then crack on.

Is it @Jellycats4life ? I read on the Xmas threads about the kids getting 4 gifts (want, need, wear, read etc) and how some don't get anything except necessities between birthdays and Xmas. Mine have January birthdays though and that's a long time if someone wants number blocks or we need a new water doodle mat due to overuse... I'm just never really sure as neither of us ever had much.

@Partytastic Not really, although there is too much stuff. There's plenty of space and storage but for example, mu mum says it looks like a toy shop... I try to filter stuff out, especially the younger toys with little educational/skills value. Dd seems to be less interested in toys beyond the basics of building blocks and books, she just wants people to play with!

We buy toys regularly throughout the year as we see things they need/ would enjoy. We don't go mad for birthdays and Christmas because we get them bits and bobs as and when. I wouldn't worry if I was you.

I always bought stuff throughout the year to assist with developmental skills. It sounds like you're a great parent, so don't worry.

Lots of people work full time but it's always possible to find time to spend with your children. Quality over quantity and actually making the effort is more important. An hour before bed of books/games/no screens/chatting is not a big ask.

Ours get toys throughout the year as and when I see stuff they might like. If it's within a few weeks of a birthday/Christmas I'll save it for that mostly, and use those as reasons to get bigger or more expensive non-everyday things, but stuff like puzzles, books, garden toys, board games, little play figures, etc. I'll just pick up when I see something they will enjoy or a good deal on Vinted etc.

I understand where you are coming from, I feel I'm always overcompensating for my childhood (extremely strict mother). I felt extremely guilty returning to work when my daughter was only 7 months. I worked full time because I was worried about finances.

Reducing my hours at work (not an option for everyone of course) helped me massively to find balance in my life - but it took 3 years of my colleagues persuading me for me to see that it was the best option for our family (just be and DD)
It sounds like the garden is a real priority for you though so maybe save for that first..

Spoilt children demand things and behave poorly when they don't get things and generally expect things their own way. Your children don't do that.

I generally bought DD gifts 4 times a year but would ration them out so she wasn't overwhelmed.
September - her birthday - focused on new books and rainy day activities ready for the autumn weather.
December - Christmas - a little bit of everything
March - Easter- New wellies and splash suit, a few outdoor toys / bug hunting bits.
June - Summer - garden/ beach toys, bubble machines etc.

If buying is the issue due to space then when you get the urge put some of the money in a SIPP for them instead.

Although growing up in poverty impacts your buying as an adult it might help if you frame it to yourself to cut back for environmental reasons, I found being in a big BM type store stops me buying tat as their is just so much wastage and the piles of it on shelves which will be in landfill soon makes me almost sad now - hand me downs and charity shops are fine, toy libraries are brilliant.

@Assignedtoworryyourmother Absolutely it isn't! We have 1-2 hours after nursery pick up before bed, but it's joint time with both kids. And what ds wants is alone time with me. We have that after baby girl goes to sleep, which takes a variable amount of time with her teeth and 1-2 naps per day... We do puzzles or build lego usually pre-bed once dd is down.

@ohwhatalark me and dp are both on compressed 4.5 days per week already so only 4 days at nursery. I wish I could drop more, but I'm the higher earner.

I also regularly buy my daughter little toys. I economise on clothes - when she was small second hand and now she's older just supermarket clothes. Small children really don't care about clothes but the toys give them lots of joy, my daughter loves sensory toys - slime, kinetic sand etc and I don't begrudge paying for them at all. It sounds like you are being sensible buying from the charity shop and age 4 is peak toy - your flat won't be cluttered forever. My daughter is 7 now and her toys are much smaller- craft kits etc.

At this age I found rotating toys and not having everything out all at once helped contain the clutter and keep them playing more

@Screwingitallup - the compressed hours is a fantastic way to squeeze in extra family time. You can also take unpaid parental leave - 18 weeks per child - in weekly blocks. Is that an option for your partner to take ?

You won't spoil them by buying a few things they want? Especially with a January birthday, it's a long long time to wait...
Also buy them lots at Christmas if you want? They'll be fine.
People on Mumsnet are weird with their four presents 🤷‍♀️

@Screwingitallup - when DD was 4 I took a morning off each week to take her to a playgroup and a ballet class - really helped my mum guilt to meet other mum's juggling work and childcare and discuss things like this

Firstly, you have ALREADY dome something very few people are able to, you've broken the pattern. They are safe, warm, loved and free from abuse. So relax.

Second, the competitive misers on here, you can safely ignore. There is a sensible middle ground between a disgusting pile of presents to show off on SM and only four things all year. Most of us are in the middle.

Thirdly, Buying a bubble wand won't hurt them. However, you can make all this teachable. Give them their age in money each fortnight. They can then spend it on treats, toys etc. Obviously the little one is too little. Teaches them delayed gratification, money skills, the worth of money. I was VERY strict and didn't ever deviate except for birthdays etc. DD is now really great with money. And not spoiled.

It’s not the norm to only buy things at birthdays and Christmas, nor is it the norm to adopt the MN puritanical approach to Christmas presents.

What you’re doing sounds perfectly fine. A bubble wand never hurt anyone! Hope you have fun

A bubble wand sounds like a great toy now the weather is warmer! What you are describing doesn't sound like spoiling to me, it sounds like buying a bit too much stuff. If you are buying it because your kid saw it in a shop and screamed until you bought it, that would be spoiling.

It's a tough time when you have a preschooler and a toddler so don't be hard on yourself. If the bubblewands get you 10 minutes peace then great, enjoy your well earned rest!

@ohwhatalark We go to playgroup on my morning off, but sometimes ds wants to go collect shells instead! I think the guilt will be less when he starts school - shorter days will be easier for him, and he'll get more 1 on 1 time with me. I assume I'll be able to do more work after bedtime then as dd should be sleeping better! My work is very flexible but the work does need to get done alas!

@MrsTerryPratchett Thanks :) I'm hoping they don't inherit my severe allergies/asthma by growing up somewhere dry and warm.

We haven't decided when to start on pocket money yet - ds is very young in some ways! But he does 'help out' around the home, helping pair socks, tidying up etc. He thinks it's fun!