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Original poster

Accidental Hit on the head and smacking

25 replies

Heron23 · 19/02/2008 14:07

Hi, our DS woke up this morning at 5am and insisted that he was not sleepy anymore etc. He normally wakes at 6.30am. I was getting ready to go to work so I let DH rapid return DS to his room. I am not sure what happened exactly, but DH's fingers got caught on the door of DS's room and so he pushed the door open, forgetting that DS was on the other side of the room. Result was a big bump on his forehead. I was furious with DH. we all went to the A&E at 5.30am. Luckily, DS is alright, just a bit shocked really. Kept him home today.

i am still shocked at what happened this morning. i felt that DH should have controlled himself? am i wrong ? is it too much to ask?

What about DS? he seems fine, playing etc. he was completely back to normal in no time, not angry with his dad or scared or anything.

Please anyone with personal experience of something similar, advice?

PS: DS is 3 1/2 yrs old. DH has once smacked DS when he lost his temper with him because DS just would not listen. I am very upset about this as well.

OP posts:

SuperGrrrl · 19/02/2008 14:11

it's easy to lose your temper with a LO, especially when tired.

How does your DH feel? If your have different ideas about what is and isn't ok, you need to reach an agreement.

Are these the only 2 times?

NatalieJane · 19/02/2008 14:13

I don't get what happened?

Did DH accidently catch DS's head with the door? How did he manage that if DS was on the other side of the room?

Did DH do it on purpose, is that why you are angry with him?

Think I might need a coffee....

NorthernLurker · 19/02/2008 14:15

If you get through your child's early years without several bumps to the head you would be doing very well indeed. From my knowledge of three year olds I would rather think that after your dh escorted ds back to his room, ds slammed or tried to slam the door. It is pure instinct to push back at something that is hurting you. It is too much to ask in my opinion, for your dh not to have done this.
I wouldn't expect your ds would be angry or scared - I actually suspect he may have had a lesson today in the fact that if you kick off there can be unexpected, unintended and unpleasant consequences.
If you have made a united decision not to smack then of course dh should not have smacked him previously - having said that you need to let that go now and dare I say it relax a little?

WigWamBam · 19/02/2008 14:15

Unless I'm missing something, I don't think your dh has done anything to deserve your fury, to be honest.

If I read your post correctly, you husband couldn't see that your son was behind the door - he had put him back to bed and had no reason to assume he would be behind the door. It was an accident. We all have them.

He's also not the only parent to have smacked a three year old in frustration because the child would not listen. It may not be perfect parenting but it isn't that big a deal. He made a mistake - you need to move on from it.

Unless there are other things going on which are causing you concern?

GooseyLoosey · 19/02/2008 14:17

Did DH kind of fling the door open in his frustration - is that the issue? If so, whilst its obviously not good as ds got hurt, I don't think it was deliberate and dh will have learned from next time. At most an off hand comment to him along the lines of "that just shows how reallly careful we have to be around doors".

MAMAZON · 19/02/2008 14:17

Your Dh got his fingers caught in the door, its quite a normal response to push teh door open to relieve them i would have thought.
maybe i am misunderstanding what happened.

Your Dh may nto be as good at parenting and therefore will resort to smacking.
if it is something you do not wish to use then you will need to discuss what your strategies are.

i can understand that you were frightened for your Ds this morning but i really can't see why you are angry at Dh. have you never had an accident with your ds? because no doubt you will at some point.

im afraid this just screams PFB syndrome to me. sorry

S1ur · 19/02/2008 14:18

Firstly, I hope your ds is feeling better now and you too

I may be misunderstanding. But. I wouldn't be too harsh on your dh. It sounds like he did lose his temper a bit and pushed the door when he shouldn't have, but he didn't do it to harm your ds deliberately.

He's probably feeling very bad for bumping him. I'm assuming he must have thrown the door if you were worried enough to go to casaulty? Slamming doors or throwing them open and catching kids as a consequence is guilt-inducing stuff but not a hangable offence.

Your ds would of course not be scared of his daddy, I'd have thought. Seeing an adult lose their temper once or twice is unlikely to scar him. Hell, my kids would be petrified of me otherwise! Which they are not.

IOW.

I don't think this incident is all that awful.

It sounds like you are more generally concerned with idea that it links with general approach to physical discipline ie smacking. I would say, deal with that by talking to your dh. The door thing can happen to anyone, especially at 5 in the morning, when you've just trapped your fingers int he door!

lollipopmother · 19/02/2008 14:18

No Natalie I'm the same, I don't understand it either, but I think the 'other side of the room' is a typo and should have been 'other side of the door'. But the OP clearly says that the DH's fingers got caught on the door. Accidents happen Heron, it doesn't matter if you know your child is on the other side of the door or not.

If you're saying that your husband did it on purpose then did you see it? I'd be feeling really horrible if it was just an accident and my partner was furious at me.

Original poster

Heron23 · 19/02/2008 14:19

DH was on one side of the door, DS on the other side. so it was an accident, but i feel that if he was more careful and aware, he would not have opened the door with so much force. He definitely lost his temper.

DH feels very very bad and was so apologetic to DS. tried to explain to DS about it.

This happened for the first time this morning. i am in such shock. DH and I NEVER smack DS. i know that a 3 yr old can be very frustrating. BUT i feel that there is never a good enough reason to smack.

i love DS so much and i feel so sorry for his sore head.

What should I say to DH?

OP posts:

Original poster

Heron23 · 19/02/2008 14:21

Sorry All, i meant "other side of the door"

OP posts:

NatalieJane · 19/02/2008 14:21

It sounds like a pure accident to me, I don't see why you are angry at all.

I think you should say sorry to your DH TBH.

S1ur · 19/02/2008 14:23

Wow, slow typing today x posts with everyone else

So yes echo sentiments, sounds like emotions were running high this morning in your house, but in cold light of day. Not that bad really, and everyone is ok and feeling a bit guilty.

You asked if this has happened to anyone else.

Yes, I have bumped my child inadvertantly by losing my temper and being clumsy, I too, shoved open a door, meaning to sweep in dramatically and lay down the law, but dd was behind door and I caught her foot (OUCH!) cue me being very apologetic - and then laying down the law

ConnorTraceptive · 19/02/2008 14:23

It was an accident you are over reacting. No one can be aware and in total control 100% of the time. If your DH feels as bad as you say then I don't think you need to keep on at him.

Original poster

Heron23 · 19/02/2008 14:24

Thank you all for your words, i have a lot to think about...

It was a first time, and you are all right, it was an accident.

I am finding this all so hard to deal with because i was quite beaten up as a child. and so were my brothers. so anything that even remotely brings back memories, i am super jumpy. and i swore that DS will never get treated like that.

i am over-exaggerating i think

OP posts:

NorthernLurker · 19/02/2008 14:24

I'm with Natalie! It is absolutely vital that you do not allow your child or your parenting of your child to be a wedge between the two of you. If you let that happen - you will not make it as a couple in the long run. Unless there is more to it than you have said - what you have here is an accident - in which your child was not notably hurt. For goodness sake let it go.

lollipopmother · 19/02/2008 14:25

I'd say that you're sorry to have got furious at him, because at some point you're going to have an accident too and feel his wrath.

Accidents are accidents at the end of the day, it doesn't make your DH a bad parent because he accidentally hit your DS on the head with a door, neither are you better than him because it didn't happen to you. I'd apologise and let it go, he didn't do it intentionally and the smacking doesn't come into it, that is a different issue that you can't hold against him and bring up every time something goes wrong, as you've already told him that he's never to do it again.

As an aside - my friend's baby fell out of her high-chair whilst being supervised by her dad, she fell on her head and he was devistated, absolutely gutted. The baby was fine, the dad was far more shaken up. Accidents happen shrugs.

NorthernLurker · 19/02/2008 14:26

x posted with you - right well your experiences do explain a lot - that must have been very hard for you - then and now - but it really sounds like this was just an accident. They happen to everyone.

fishie · 19/02/2008 14:27

i don't think it is that big a deal unless there is more to it heron.

ds once thumped dh, who retaliated by a wee smack on the hand. result i went bonkers and said that nobody hits anybody ever, which they have both stuck to so far.

Kindersurpise · 19/02/2008 14:27

I think that you are overreacting, but that it is perfectly understandable, given the circumstances.

I assume your DH knows that you were abused as a child? Perhaps you should have a word with him and explain why you are reacting like this, I am sure he will understand.

lollipopmother · 19/02/2008 14:27

Woops, my post sounds massively judgemental, I didn't mean for it to be so harsh, sorry, totally out of order.

S1ur · 19/02/2008 14:28

I think you should say sorry to your dh for not being at all understanding of his feelings.

You're furious with him for losing his temper and making a mistake. That's crap, sorry.

He didn't smack you child, or hurt him on prupose. He just was human and misjudged opening a door.

Imagine if you ever lose your temper and say something you regret or slam doors or do any one of a thousand things in anger, you'd feel crap, AND THEN your partner makes you feel ten times worse when what you need is understanding.

fishie · 19/02/2008 14:28

sorry heron, x-post dull work intervened.

sometimes these things can be quite useful, you could point out to ds that if he'd been in bed it woudln't have happened.

WigWamBam · 19/02/2008 14:29

You have to remember, though, that your husband is not the person who beat you and your brothers.

Smacking once in frustration does not make him the same as someone who regularly beats a child. Neither does accidentally banging his head.

You can't use isolated incidents like these to beat your husband with every time he makes a mistake - let them go.

S1ur · 19/02/2008 14:33

Right, just seen your experiences. Obviously it will colour your feelings about parenting, which is good I'm sure for the most part.

Maybe it is time to consider how you parents were together too. Because I bet you want that differen also.

By being forgiving of dh's mistakes you create a much stronger and stable environ for your ds. You have an agreed, gentle approach to parenting so maybe its time to trust each other and acknowledge that you will both make mistakes but that you will muddle through together imperfectly but lovingly.

Original poster

Heron23 · 19/02/2008 17:39

I like that Slur, "muddle through together imperfectly but lovingly"

OP posts:

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