Is a good grandchild / grandparent relationship possible over long distance?

[KatnissE]

A new angle on my previous thread. My mum is so wrapped up in her new relationship that she is no longer spending time with my kids. Obviously if she's not interested, there's nothing that I can do, but I'm still hopeful that she might visit more once the honeymoon phase settles.

Has anyone managed a close grandchild / grandparent relationship over long distances (a days' travel)? If so, what made it work?

Of course it is if everyone puts the effort in. It's a different sort of relationship to the relationship you'd get with grandparents round the corner, but can still be very positive.

Calls, texts, updates, making the effort to visit each other and ensuring the visits include quality time just being together at home/locally. In other words not feeling that the visits with geographically distant grandparents need to be Disney Grandparents visits packed with activities.

My parents have a great relationship with my children, the closest we've lived was 3 hrs drive away and have lived overseas

It’s tricky, isn’t it?

my children only live an hour away from a grandparent, but maintaining a relationship is hard (especially when they put limited effort in!)

I’ve just contacted the grandparent to ask if they want them to stay for a couple of nights in half term. Will wait a reply. The ball is in their court as they say.

I don’t want to be accused of not making an effort with them, so will keep trying. My eldest children are teens now and are not close to my in-laws at all. Their loss.

At least I know I tried.

Good point on calls/texts/WhatsApp messages. Especially as they get older. A great way to keep in touch with teenagers from a distance.

Totally. DS was born and grew up till the age of 8 in another country to all of both our families. Lots of calls, Skype, a private Instagram with daily photos, visits where possible. Entirely possible if everyone involved wants it to happen.

Yes, if the effort goes in and is reciprocal.

My children are close to only one of their grandparents, the one that bothered to visit often even when they lived 3 hours away. They used to come straight from work on a Friday, we'd keep the kids up to see them and they'd spend all weekend with us and drive back after the kids were in bed on Sunday.

Agree it's the effort. My DC has no relationship with the in laws. They're only 45 mins away but never ask about them, so I stopped sending photos etc because sometimes they wouldn't even acknowledge them. They pipe up every few months about seeing us and how they've missed out on so much. But it's all lip service because they never bother again for a few months.

I've got relatives three hours away who DC have a much better relationship with. Purely because it's a mutual thing.

Yes :-) my children have a great relationship with my parents. They speak to them pretty much every day on facetime about school etc and my eldest loves sending/receiving post from his granny. We make the effort to meet up as much as we can.

On the other hand less so with my in laws who only ring for birthdays etc and we see them much less frequently. Like pp have said it is more than possible if everyone wants to put the effort in !

I have a wonderful relationship with my dgm (dads mum) despite long distance and my dad never being involved. From early toddler times I can remember her always making effort. It's definitely possible

How far away is it if it's a days travel? I think they definitely can still be close, but you both need to be willing to make time to spend quality time together. As children get older they might also stay with grandparents who live a bit further away during the holidays, which can be great for everyone and mean hey spend some really good times together.

I always got on fine with my grandparents and they were all long distance. Would chat on the phone to them as a child, text message my nan occasionally as a teen (other grandparent lived abroad and didn't have a mobile phone), enjoyed their company and felt comfortable with them etc. But what I will say is I noticed as an adult I definitely didnt feel a real sense of 'closeness' to them really even though I did/do care about them and even though I do still have regular contact with my one surviving grandparent. Like the deaths of the others didn't really affect me and my grandparents have never been people I'd think to go to for support with anything not even to talk about something. BUT as I say, two of my grandparents lived far away abroad and for many reasons we could only see them once a year max, one of those died in my childhood and the other didn't even have a mobile phone of any type til I was an adult. My UK grandparents, one was severely disabled for all my memory of them which even affected their communication abilities and my other grandparent was their main carer, has never been a particularly 'maternal' character and has struggled with mental health problems since being a teen. So with all that going on perhaps the distance is a red herring anyway.

I think so. I live several hours from both sides, so DD has never had very regular contact, but every couple of months. I think it makes a difference as to how DC feel about GPS depending on how they are portrayed. I speak warmly and frequently about my side of the family, so she's always felt the same about them. Her paternal GPS adore her and would love to see her more but unfortunately her dad's a dick so they don't.

It’s not the distance that’s the barrier; it’s your mums disinterest. I think it’s extremely unlikely that she’s going to go from behaving like a love sick teen and not bothering with her grandchildren, to being a doting and loving grandma. She either cares or she doesn’t, sadly.

I lived a few hours away from my grandparents for part of my childhood. Granted we had previously lived very nearby and were very close already. But during those years we spoke on the phone almost every night, wrote to each other and sent little gifts in the post, visited each other at least once a month. We remained extremely close. It can be done, but clearly only if the relationship is there to begin with.

I saw my DGM once a year for 2 weeks - she lived abroad and none of us could afford to travel more often. We did phone but again prob fortnightly as long distance calls were expensive. And DGM's English wasn't great.

And yet I loved her more than my English nan we could see regularly because DGM really really made the effort when we saw her and accepted me as I was.

My parents live 350 miles away and have a fantastic relationship with my son. It's all about the effort they put in really, you can't make them if they don't want to.

My nephews and nieces live either a 3 hour drive or a 5 hour plane ride away from my mum. We live round the corner so my kids see her all the time but when they're all together you'd be hard pushed as an outsider to work out who is local and who isn't. She's a fabulous grandma and treats all her grandchildren exactly the same.

My DH's family live a long way away and the journey involves a ferry so neither quick, cheap or easy! Our DS have a fabulous relationship with them even though we usually see them once a year. When we do see them we stay with them for a week or so and do loads of special things, whilst with my family we see them at least once a week but do special things every now and then. It balances out nicely!

Growing up I lived near my grandparents and my cousins lived in the opposite end of the UK.

So naturally I was closer to them, and 'knew them more' as my cousin put it recently. But they still loved each other very much. You lose something with distance undoubtedly. But you can still maintain a relationship.

SD and, perhaps more so her DH, are not interested in facilitating a relationship between DH and his DGS, who is 3. They are 150 miles away. We are never invited to visit and, if we invite ourselves, we are not allowed to spend any time alone with DGS and our day will be deliberately filled with walking endlessly round a tourist attraction with him in the pushchair facing away from us.

DH has tried so hard with FaceTime, but SD rarely answers his calls now. It's very sad, especially as her DH's parents provide childcare and see DGS at least three times a week.

As others have said it depends on the people involved. Our children had a very good relationship with one set of their grandparents despite us being a 4 hour drive from them. The other set of grandparents were not interested at all so the relationship is quite awkward.

My parents live in a different continent but they have a good relationship with our almost 2 year old. They visit twice a year (expensive to travel) but we Skype almost every day and our daughter loves chatting and playing with them. When she was much younger, they would sing to her on video a lot and read to her. Now that she's almost 2, they play with her over video (e.g. making a play cup of tea and cheers-ing mid air). It's definitely possible if the other party makes the effort too. When they come visit, our daughter takes maybe an hour at most to get used to them being physically there but no tears. She's all smiles and giggles but they can't immediately pick her up.

Yes-but both have to be willing! I never met my father's mother, and it was pre internet, but I loved her very much and treasure the memory of your relationship.

I lived in NW England as a child and my dad’s parents lived in York. I used to write to my grandad in the 1980’s. It was awesome, especially as he was quite deaf so telephone calls were very difficult. I still love writing letters to people now, and I always think of him when I do.