Help, my 2.5 year old keeps hitting and shoving.

[Jennyferrer]

Recently my son has taken to hitting when he’s overwhelmed or isn’t getting his way. It’s becoming rather upsetting for both my fiancé and I.
We hold his arms down to stop him hitting and tell him to use his gentle hands, acting out what we want to see. We’ve tried a time out but this seems to only increase the hitting and I’m not entirely sure how you would approach this at bedtime, as I can’t imagine getting him out of bed would be productive. We’ve taken his favourite toys away for a period of time and yet he doesn’t seemed bothered, he just starts playing with toys he hasn’t touched in months 🤦🏽‍♀️. I‘m a first time mum and would gladly take any advice. I feel like I’m messing up somehow. 😔

Hi, I understand this is upsetting. It hurts and also you worry your child will keep hitting.

Two things I would say though - firstly is that at 2.5 it is not easy to take away toys, he doesn't understand properly. Also I don't think you should hold down his arms as you are using strength which doesn't really teach him to be gentle.

I would stand up if he's hitting as he then can't reach sensitive areas (it especially hurts if they hit in the face), say 'we don't hit, because it hurts other people' and start to talk to him about feelings e.g. 'are you feeling angry? I understand' as presumably he is trying to express a feeling. Then ask if he'd like a hug.

It is a very common phase, but at 2.5 it is important to get the balance between saying no but also not over reacting - loads of young children go through a hitting/biting phase.

It's just a phase. Most two year olds do this.
Say no firmly. If he continues, put him somewhere else (time out, naughty step, whatever you want to call it) and wait for him to calm down. Then have a cuddle and carry on.

If he hits you tell him firmly “use your words! No hitting!” If he continues to hit then remove him or yourself to another room. Explain you cannot be with him if he’s hurting you.
Needless to say if he hits another child you remove him immediately and then make a fuss of the other child.

Work on his language and how to talk about feelings.

Different styles will suit different people but I really like Janet Lansbury and think she has some really good advice for this stuff. Basically try and let him know that you're 'on his side', let him know that it's ok to feel his feelings but be firm that it's not ok to hit etc and you won't let him do those things and physically stop him if needed. Be a gentle leader who gives him the boundaries he needs to feel safe. She explains it all a lot better!

It's very normal at that age as children have to learn it's not all about them.

It also needs firm, easy to understand, stopping. Remove the child from the situation not the situation from the child. "no" is easier to understand than "gentle hands"

Agree 'gentle hands' is very hard to understand, needs to be clear - 'we don't hit' or 'no hitting' are better.

My DD went through a bad stage of this, only ever directed to me and DH.
In the end if she hit we would just sat, mummy / daddy doesn't like to be hit so we are leaving now, and walked out the room for a little while. It soon stopped

Big little feelings on Instagram has some really good tips on this topic. It’s very normal. we’ve come out the other side fairly recently. At just over 3 we started a new daycare and I was terrified of being kicked out for the acting out. She hasn’t done it once since the new setup (thank god). I used to genuinely worry we had a child who was a sociopath. But fingers crossed we don’t and that stage is behind us!

Imagine how powerless he must feel to have his arms pinned down by someone 10 times bigger than him.

You’re teaching him that to get your own way you just need to use greater force. And presumably he then fights against the pinning his arms down, so you’re getting into a dynamic of fighting against each other.

Thats not to say you should let him hit you, but you need to de-escalate rather than engaging physically. I would say “no hitting” or “no that hurts me” and block his hands/stand up/ move away.

If my DS hits I say “No, That hurt me”. And then “what can you do to make me feel better?”. And he’ll usually gently stroke where he hit me (hasn’t grasped the word sorry yet).

Highly recommend How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen. It really gave me a new perspective on parenting.