Feels like I’m failing my second child…

[Dav87]

Hi all,
Sorry for the long post - hoping for some reassurance or solidarity or maybe just to be told these feelings are normal!

For context, my oldest daughter is turning 3 in July. She was born in 2020 during lockdown and I took a full year off on maternity leave with her. My second daughter is 6 months, born in November during the same week we moved house and I’m halfway through maternity leave.

My toddler is super bright, funny, her conversational skills are really advanced, she’s the loveliest kindest big sister, really resilient, smashes all her milestones and will be starting school in September. We’ve never had any issues with her, and even moving to a new house, potty training and becoming a big sister all in the same week didn’t phase her. She’s my little shadow, we have an amazing relationship and - despite the occasional toddler tantrum/meltdown - she’s just a dream. I hope this doesn’t come across as boasting or showing off, I’m just trying to give the full picture.

I’ve always thought a lot of this is due to the fact when she was born it was literally the two of us, in lockdown, couldn’t leave the house. 24/7 I would play with her, singing, dancing, practicing her new skills, talking to her constantly.

Now I am a mother of two, my second daughter doesn’t get a look in. There’s no time for baby classes or one on one time, and the time I do get when it’s just me and her I’m so tired I can barely get the energy to do anything. I can count on one hand the books we’ve read together, and there’s certainly no sensory play or nursery rhymes - I’m just completely wiped out constantly.

She sits in her bouncer or lies on her playmat, she’s the most happy and contented little thing. Always smiling, which makes me feel worse!

I’m terrified I’m failing her - and keep thinking she’ll be behind on her speech and development because she doesn’t get enough attention or experiences. I look at her and feel so sad, I don’t want us to waste my maternity leave together but there’s just not time or energy to make it as wonderful as the first time around.

Sorry for the long post and thank you if you’ve read this far. Being a mother is the best thing I’ve ever done and I love my girls more than anything in the world - just struggling with this constant nagging feeling that poor second daughter is going to be left behind.

Any thoughts would be gratefully received! X

I have a June 2020 baby and a November 2022 baby. I do feel sometimes guilty that DD2 doesn’t get the same things as DD1 had. I can’t take her to swimming lessons or to baby sensory but she is a much happier and more content baby than DD1 ever was!

I was looking at videos of DD1 the other day who started talking a number of words at 7 months old, DD2 doesn’t seem like she’ll quite manage that but out of nowhere the same day she started crawling, DD1 didn’t crawl until much later! I think it’s made me realise that whilst maybe she won’t get the same experiences, she’ll do things in her own way! Plus she’ll always have a big sister to play with!

You’re not failing her.
I’ve had the same thoughts but the other way around. My eldest got taken to every group going and had loads of 1-1 time with me. My youngest was born November 2019 so the times I would have spent taken him to swimming and groups was lost due to covid. He also had to go to nursery earlier as my parents were unwell and couldn’t provide the same level of childcare my eldest had.
I think it’s about recognising that different experiences doesn’t necessarily mean worse or better.
can you sing to her while changing her nappy? Or do a book at bedtime? Or have her sat with you while you play with your eldest and speak to her as a way of involving her in the game?

I think that you’ve given yourself too much credit for your older daughter’s successes and are being too hard on yourself re. your younger. Children have their own temperaments and abilities and as long as their needs are being met will develop at their own pace; you can’t sort of supercharge one into being advanced! You won’t be holding your youngest back.

I had three under four. DC1 got loads on one-to-one attention, while DC3 inevitably got far less as I was running around after a nearly 2 year old and a nearly 4 year old when he was a newborn. They're all teens now and, on balance, I think in many ways it's harder being the eldest child and having to do everything first.

I've been told loads of times that a younger sibling will pick up skills far more quickly because they have an older child to imitate, and there's more motivation to communicate - a sibling won't try to anticipate needs or try to interpret sounds like their parents will. So there is that benefit to being the younger sibling.

I did read a study though which concluded that the eldest in a family was commonly the most successful, because of the extra years of individual attention before siblings arrived. That's been shown repeatedly in studies, and it's hard to do much to improve the situation.

Personally we had a bigger age gap so DD1 was in nursery and about to start school when DD2 was born. I was able to do most of the classes with DD2 that I did with DD1, and I do think they've helped her development, despite MN always being skeptical about them. And DCs certainly do need parents to sing to them and read to them to thrive. You don't need to be going to classes to do that though.

Are you not able to get some nursery hours for your eldest? She is at the age where she would benefit from that kind of interaction.

I think second kids will always get a different experience to first borns and there are pros and cons to that. It is hard not to feel guilty or compare. But if you are concerned about developmebr, could you narrate what you're doing as you go about your day? Carry baby in a sling? Or get your eldest involved in singing nursery rhymes with you both? Do you read a book as part of bedtime routine etc?